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SEN

Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

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Original poster

daughter won't go to school

62 replies

Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 09:04

ANYONE got ANY idea what I can do???!

DD is in year 4 now. she was bullied badly through Reception and Year 1 and is left with horrible anxiety (PTSD/OCD). We moved school as they weren't protecting her and we have been through periods of school refusal over the last 3 years. I don't know what to do any more. I can't keep forcing her in. I mean, I CANT force her in. But I'm going to loose my job at this rate. Then I can't pay the mortgage. I have no idea what to do. do I just have to let that happen???

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 08/10/2019 10:33

Can you work from home at all? may be worth asking your company.This happened to a friend of mine .Home Education is the answer .So much happier Mum and child!.School doesnt work for everyone sadly.Could you move closer to your DP, and they can home educate in the mornings for example .Have you checked what kind of benefits you may be able to claim if you are at home with her .Also are there any sort of Schools nearby ,Rudolph Steiner for example these may help children who are a little shy and are not too expensive .

BarbariansMum · 08/10/2019 10:35

Depending on the size of your mortgage having a lodger might cover it. I get that you don't want one and it may mean you and your dd may have to share a bedroom, but it could be a stop gap whilst you sort something else out for your dd and it might help you avoid homelessness.

Nousernameforme · 08/10/2019 10:38

I took my ds out of school and my advice would be don't do it.
All help dries up instantly as it's no longer a school problem.

Keep on at cahms, keep on at school, keep on at mp. Do you have any savings where you can take a leave of absence for a bit to help dd work on this. Even two weeks would be better than nothing.

Try taking her to school whilst letting her know you will be waiting outside all day in case she has any problems you will be right there. Then when you get the phone call you go in get her bring her to the car/waiting place and calm her down resettle her then take her back in again with the reassurance that you will be right here waiting. Do that on repeat for as long as possible in the hopes that gradually she settles in.

In addition or instead of could you and school guarantee her the ability to check in with you at regular intervals throughout the day. Like if she is having a problem with the floor whatever she can go to teacher and they say right if you can manage for 3 mins then we can go phone mum or after every lesson and every break time.

Waveysnail · 08/10/2019 10:42

Firstly join some online groups for your mental health.

Secondly - seriously look at having her assessed for autism, OCD, sensory processing etc - you will have to be tenacious about it via your gp.

Thirdly - consider applying for echp. Check out ipsea to help with this.

She may not be able to cope in a main stream environment without a 1:1 or she may need a special school that can cater to her needs. Unfortunately you will probably have to fight for all this.

Waveysnail · 08/10/2019 10:45

Schools can be very unsupportive about applying for echp as they have only so many educational psychology hours per year. So you may have to do a parent application- and expect to be turned down at the first try and you will probably have to appeal.

Amazed school didnt agree to pt timetable as they usually jump at them where I am as means they dont have to deal with the child.

Waveysnail · 08/10/2019 10:52

Also look at groups outside school if she is well enough. Such as brownies. May help her form some out of school friendships to give her more confidence. Though it may be too much of an overload afterschool.

Her friend leaving will be a huge trigger.

Timeforanewname2014 · 08/10/2019 10:58

You have my sympathies this is horrible. My daughter went through similar. My approach with her has always been to say I have her back, will do whatever I can to help but the non negotiable is that she has to go to school. We can do it nicely or we can do it in a tough approach way but she IS going to school. And then I made a bit of a hassle of myself with the school to get their support for her too. It is so so hard though, and there were days when I just wanted to let her stay home but I think when you start on that path it makes it harder in the long run. Be kind to yourself though, it's such a hard thing to deal with

SilverChime · 08/10/2019 11:01

she has talked about killing herself since year2
This is so sad. How does a six year old even know what suicide is? If it is at all possible to take your child out of school, even part time, it would help. I was that child and being forced to school caused lifelong mental health issues.

Catgotyourbrain · 08/10/2019 11:06

OP try the special needs boards on here. Some incredibly wise women who know the law and what you can do to get help inside out. Lots and lots of single parents- partly because having SEN kids is hard on family life.
They’ve been there.
Glad you MP is on it though.

The SEN Birds here have lots of advice on getting EHCP too. If you can get it School will get specific funding for one to one or TA for her.

Tvstar · 08/10/2019 11:34

Really, she is 8. Staying at home will only make her school phobia worse not to mention putting your family out on the street.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 11:46

Why can't you force her in?

@Tvstar, I would have asked the same, before this experience tbh. but firstly I physically COULDNT, she is big and very strong (and I am disabled)

but more importantly, she experience very genuine and very extreme distress and it's not the right thing to do. she panics/melts drown/looses control. she has kicked out my car windscreen and knocked me out with a metal scooter before

OP posts:
catgotyourbrain · 08/10/2019 11:59

@TVStar I don't know if you have ever tried to get a child with any kind of anxiety or SEN (let alone PTSD like this child has) to do something?? - especially something that is a specific trigger?
It reaches a tipping point where to continue to push and 'force' is very counter-productive. being firm and setting up boundaries and expectations is fine, but it simply can't be done in a meltdown situation. My DS would have escalated to the point of self-harm in this situation.

Sometimes the best option is really to retreat and regroup. find a way to have a calm conversation with the child in a moment when they aren't stressed about what you expect and that you have a plan and agreement in place with the child.

OP you have rights here and the school does need to step up and protect your child and provide a pathway for her to attend school. If they can't provide ongoing help they have a duty to try and get an EHCP, and they should have availability of a TA or SENCO short term to facilitate getting her into school calmly.

I had 'some' luck with getting my DS in before everyone else so that it was calm.

Also - a suggestion: My DCs school changed their morning procedures (due initially to building work) and were surprised at teh difference it made to mornings fro all children. Basically they went from a bell, with lining up, and classes going in class by class, with all the stress of waiting and being made to wait even longer if someone misbehaved in the line - to children going straight in as they arrived and up to classrooms. (they didn't have room on the playground for queuing). There was a window of time (8.40 - 9.55) rather than 9.55 am for arrival. kids took to coming early so they could chat with teacher and read in the reading corner. Teachers found everyone much calmer - and there was room fro 15 mins reading before class started too. If you move her think about the morning routine of your chosen school....

Catgotyourbrain · 08/10/2019 12:00

Sorry to add to that - the school kept this routine even after building work and is committed to it now.

Earthandsky · 08/10/2019 13:03

I am a single parent and I did have to give up work when I was in the same position. My dc did part-time schooling for a long time and home tuition for an hour a day after that. It does affect family life completely and finances of course. I have not managed to get back to work in five years and I had a career I loved.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 13:50

@earthandsky, but how do you pay for mortgage/rent, food etc??

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 08/10/2019 14:17

Do you have space for an au pair? They could be an extra pair of hands/ babysitter if she wasn't able to go to school. They don't work full time but if they covered half the week it might help.

CTRL · 08/10/2019 14:24

Why can’t she change school ?

And if that’s not an option I’m afraid but you will have to home school or work and afford a tutor.

I hope this didn’t sound rude as I definitely didn’t want to come across as rude and I’m genuinely sorry for you and your daughter OP x

VividImagination · 08/10/2019 14:40

Have you anyone who could help with childcare, Granny, Auntie, friend?Could you afford a childminder? She shouldn’t be too much “work” for them at her age and she could do lessons at the weekends.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 14:47

I can't afford a childminder and don't have room for au pair or a room to rent out

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livinginthegreenfields · 08/10/2019 15:05

My DD was very similar to this all through primary school and into secondary school. It really kicked off when she started senior school, and then half way through year 8 she had a complete breakdown.

We tried 3 times to get into cahms; they would not accept her until she was actually self harming. Keep trying at cahms, if the situation gets worse refer to cahms again and again.

I really wish we had tried harder when she was younger. You know when you think something is not right but you can't explain it well enough? Turns out my DD (now 15) has aspergers which apparently girls are very good at hiding/masking the symptons.

BarbariansMum · 08/10/2019 15:16

So you're living in a 1 bedroom house?

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 15:18

@barbariansmum

2 bedrooms

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 15:21

@livinginthegreenfields I've just received the forms for community paed referral to assess for SEN, as anxiety and autism have similar symptoms. Current child psych doesn't think so though

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocktheboot · 08/10/2019 15:22

@lumpy76 I've joined the Facebook groups, thanks. I'm going to have a look around the website

need to start application for EHCP I think

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 08/10/2019 15:25

If either a lodger or au pair would help in the current crisis I would seriously consider sharing a bedroom with your dc at present to give you the space.
If she is very anxious it is also possible she might find it comforting as well.