Son with ASD refusing school - keep being threatened with a fine

[Blueberrybell]

Hi all. Hoping someone may have some advice for me. Will try and keep it short and sweet.

DS (13) was diagnosed with ASD and anxiety 3 years ago after a LOT of problems, and almost a year missed of primary school.

After refusing to go to school for most of year 6, he started at a local secondary and until now, made good progress and only required minimal input from the SN department (who have always appeared to be quite dismissive of his issues. He tends to become very withdrawn rather than outwardly disruptive or unhappy when at school but at home it has been a different story, with him having meltdowns from when he gets home to when he gets up, if he sleeps at all that is).

Over the last year or so he has become very unhappy. There have been a few problems - some bullying by a former friend which has upset him very badly, and constant problems with teachers (being eg, being told off for not looking at them when speaking, fidgeting, being unclear on instructions but dismissed as not concentrating enough when he asked.)

I have been in contact with the head of year about this, and we also have been having input from and meetings with the early help team. They have spoken too the children and teachers involved but nothing really changed. To complicate matters he has also been suffering from chronic tonsillitis and has missed a fair bit of school because of this (GP has referred him to ENT and we're waiting to hear from them).

It has now got to the point where he is refusing point blank to go to school at all. He is also deeply unhappy and quite depressed. He was discharged from the paediatrician he was seeing last year as he is now to old for the service. I have asked the school to refer him to CAMHS but heard nothing back. I also emailed and phoned the SN dept. 4 times before they eventually got back to me, and when they did they weren't any help.

We are moving house in 3 weeks, and DS says he wants to go to the school near there when we move, I have applied and am waiting to hear.

In the meantime though, I am really worried about the education he is missing, and also by the constant emails and phone calls from the attendance office threatening action against me. I have told them he is refusing to go, but that doesn't seem to be good enough for them. I honestly don't know what I am expected to do. Can anyone advise?

Hi there
I’m new to mumsnet, I’ve just joined to rant about the lack of understanding and help in schools across the uk for children on the spectrum and I noticed your post. I have been in your position with the EWO putting pressure on me for attendance. It’s disgusting and I want to tell you to ignore them! I did and I kept my son off school because the school were making him miserable, anxious and depressed. They were not equipped to deal with his diagnosis. So just keep him off and apply to the new school as you said. If anything that fact he’s off might get people to push for camhs to become involved more quickly.
I’m disgusted with the system, my sons 15 now and I’m still having problems with schools, he’s missed nearly 5years in total! He’s a bright gifted kid and it’s appalling that he can’t get the education he’s begging to receive.
The tonsillitis, I’m no doctor but I have read that anxiety can contribute to low immune, my son and many other children I’ve come across with anxiety also suffer with sore throats and tonsillitis, it’s how I know my son is too stressed when his throat is sore. He’s been poorly with it since November.
I hope you get some help
Kind regards

Thank you for the reply Jml23 - it is helpful. Very sorry to hear you are in the same boat.

I feel exactly the same - that they are not equipped to deal with his diagnosis. I find that because he becomes withdrawn at school when unhappy rather than disruptive (he saves that bit for home!) he goes under the radar until it's too late, and he has lost all faith in them as he has atm.

Just spoken to the new school, they are now saying that his poor attendance may mean they won't offer him a place anyway - talk about a catch 22!! So frustrating!

It's times like this I wish I had the money to send him somewhere private. I can't even home educate even though I would like to as I am a single Mum and cannot afford not to work. I'm also half way through a Uni course myself that will increase my earnings a fair bit, but am worried I am going to have to drop out as there is no one else to look after him now he is at home.

It's all so worrying, there just seems to be no help available whatsoever for them.

I really feel for you. It was the same for me, I could not work and was alone. My son used to withdraw, they would sit him outside classrooms with crayons and forget he was there. He said to me one day that he is getting bored of crayons so I started to ask what he meant and found out they’d been excluding him from lessons for things like asking the wrong questions, complaining of noise or getting upset when his things were moved around. He told me that he’s sat outside because he has autism! I hit the roof and he never went back. That was one of the top primary schools in Coventry.
He was 5. At age 9 and still out of school we moved to Somerset to try and find a better school. 4 schools later we are still fighting. He’s been assaulted by staff, told to eat dandelions on a trip by staff, tied to a chair by staff, put in cupboards to work, staff have asked me to door him with medication and he’s been shouted at by staff when they have lost control. He now has aggressive meltdowns and smashes windows, selfharms and shouts abuse instead of withdrawing. People just do not get it.
That will be why your getting the meltdowns at home, he holds it in all day and releases at home. That’s the stress coming out. I really hope you find a school that can look after him. If the one you’ve applied to is already giving you difficulty over attendance then I’d avoid that one and look elsewhere. Just take your time, do it on your terms and don’t let them bully you with attendance bull.
If I could help you I would, I’m hoping if I post on here more of us will come forward and we can create some noise

If you’re moving house and there are spaces in the school your son wants, is it worth simply removing him from the register and telling them you will home school till he starts at the new school?

Thanks again for the replies.

I did wonder about removing him from the register, but when I spoke to the new school they said it could complicate matters as then any application to them has to go via the local council rather than direct to them.

I’ve also been told the new school could be very reluctant to accept him due to his poor attendance. But he is adamant - he does not want to go in - he says he can’t stand the noise and chaos and is scared he will get more nasty comments from his classmates.

It’s tough isn’t it, I remember feeling like I wanted to support him and tell him he’s ok not to go in and shouldn’t have to feel this way, I would then struggle with the thought that he might withdraw more because I am supporting his anxieties, I’d wonder if I should push him to go and over come his anxieties.
I did push him to go in, even though it was tough not trusting the school or their capabilities to support his needs. It was only minutes later, I’d not left school site that my mobile rang to collect him with a member of staff saying she could not cope with him and he had been sick.
I kept him off after that.
My advice is to keep him happy and healthy, try to ignore the pressure from box tickers, have some fun with him and build his self esteem back up, move house and apply for schools when you have settled in, let your son take it slowly and keep the pressure off.
It’s up to you and nobody should pressure the situation. I think your sons happiness is more important than anything else
Jeni 😊

If the new school has a vacancy it has to accept him, it doesn't have a choice. Equally the council can't refuse to allocate a place there.

Does your son have an EHCP? If not, it could be worth starting that process.

I was coming on to say similar to Acis.

The application for placement is made to the school from the council and if they have a place, they can’t say no if he doesn’t have an EHCP. If he does, they have to prove beyond doubt that they are unable to meet his needs.

Do you have a parent advisory service? They could then come to meetings with his current school and ask what is being done to accommodate his needs.

I’m so sorry for the experiences you have had.