DS not willing to socialise

[comebacksun]

Hi, ds- 15 was diagnosed with asd (Aspergers) last year and is getting support from school so everything is fine on that front. He is a gamer so plays with his friends online and goes out with them some weekends. He enjoys going out with his friends which I'm really pleased about.

The problem is when there's a family gathering or a lunch with our friends. He basically refuses to come out with us if anyone else is going to be there, and if anyone comes to our house, he refuses to come out of his room even to say hello (which I've said is all he has to do).

I do understand that anyone who is not his friend he finds totally boring, he hates small talk and hates even more to be asked how school is (which everyone seems to do! - understandably!)

So my question is, should I force him to be sociable with family and family friends? Is so, how?! And if not, what should I tell them? I feel very judged as a parent sometimes ( my son seems very bad mannered) and when I explain that he feels uncomfortable or anxious, I don't think they believe me.

My feeling is that he's going to find himself in social situations as an adult so he should learn how to behave in them, but I also feel that he should be allowed to be himself, no matter how judged or embarrassed I am by his perceived rudeness. ( the rudeness is not coming to say hello or if he does he just gives a couple of mumbled replies)

Thank you in advance for any advice.

What social situations is he going to have to be in? Do you mean weddings and parties or work? If he is happy to be alone I wouldn't force him to socialise. Maintaining relationships of any kind is exhausting when you don't have the innate ability to comprehend people. My dd doesn't like to socialise a lot so I don't make her. As an adult he could find a job that he does online from home. If he doesn't feel lonely then he may not care about going to bars or missing parties. Accept him for who he is. It'll be easier than stressing you both out in the long run.

Thanks for your reply. I meant social situations where we meet up with other families (friends or extended family). They always ask Where's ds? They literally never see him. It feels like we're a family of 3 instead of 4 sometimes.
But I get what you are saying. He's definitely not happy in these situations.

Is he ok to stay at home alone while the rest of your see family/friends? If so then when they ask where he is just be upfront. "It's not personal, he's rather be alone, he isn't coming". If he has to come then let him bring a device and a pair of headphones and find a quiet corner to be in and tell everyone to leave him be. This issue is more about other people than him. Other people want to see him, or other people are offended etc. But he isn't trying to upset other people he's just making himself happy so unfortunately it is other people who will have to adjust their expectations.

This sounds totally reasonable, thank you. He's definitely happy to stay alone, he probably prefers it that way anyway. He complains that being with anyone other than his friends is boring.