My DS is 12, ASD, Year 7 at mainstream primary. He's also started puberty in earnest now.
In the last few weeks his behaviour, both at home and school has rapidly deteriorated. At home he seems to be just outright disrespectful of our living space, clothes and items just dropped where they fall, food and its debris left everywhere, things that he has no need to touch found elsewhere, often chewed and so on. He can't stay on track - I ask him to put his shoes away, 10 minutes later I find them on the kitchen countertop. He comes in from school and just sheds his uniform so his trousers will be in the hall, blazer in the bathroom, shirt and tie in the kitchen. On the counter next to the shirt and tie will be the milk left open (no cup) and whatever food he's decided to eat, ripped open and then left when he's finished. Around the rest of the house will be school bag/items and so on.
At school he's started not showing up on time for lessons. He used to get there on time, with a bit of help as he's definitely hot functional memory issues (school know this), but he should know where his lessons are now and has a timetable on him at all times. He's been caught swearing which is fair enough, but really not like him at all, and also lying about where he's been when late to lessons.
He keeps telling me his days are fine and normal and I find out all these things from school. In the past week he's gained 3 detentions for various infractions when he's never dove anything like this before. He had a slight propensity to lie, but only to me and not teachers, and it was more him saying what he thought people wanted to hear rather than calculated lying IYSWIM.
I've already taken away privileges at home over his behaviour there, and have him a very severe telling off last week over it, which could be why he's acted out at school.
One thing about him that's important yo note is that unlike many ASD kids, he doesn't mask or hold everything in at school if he's not coping. He's always been one to act out at school if he's struggling, hiding being one thing he does. He doesn't like the bustle of lesson changes - he says the bigger kids bash him or knock him because they don't see him as he is on the small side for his age (9th centile for height). He's also received punishment for not doing homework, but I bloody sat with him and did it, so his only knows where it went between when he printed it out and when he was supposed to hand it in!
Because this behaviour is such a rapid departure from who he normally is when he's relaxed and happy I'm worried he's not coping, but school seems to think he's just naughty and keep punishing, although rightly so in most cases, and I did sign up to their behaviour policy when I enrolled him, so I can't complain about that. But I'm worried about the root cause of the behaviour.
I've long suspected he also has inattentive ADHD, but don't know if that might be affecting things. He's highly anxious, a trait he gets from both parents - I'm currently sitting outside work in my car feeling sick and crying with worry because I don't understand why he's not the boy I know and love and know he can be. He's never had a bad word said against him by anyone other than school staff as he has a knack of making himself look very badly behaved rather than the nervous wreck I know he is.
I'm a lone patent, he us my only child and his father chose to have zero involvement in his life (contact, maintenance, anything) 3 years ago, when he decided to emigrate. We split when DS was 3. His Dad is strongly suspected of having PDA or ODD himself.
Even my (childless) sister is starting to compare him to her NT nephews and nieces on her fiancés side of the family and thinking genus naughty. My Parents are more supportive, but have their moments where they believe him to be rude although he's been making extra effort with them lately.
Schools not contacted me about the latest infractions yet. I have no idea what to do or say when they do. I don't want to get him out if justified punishments or excuse his behaviour, but if there is an underlying cause we need yo get yo the bottom of it, as I know from bitter past experience that just punishing him will make his anxiety, and thus behaviour, worse.
We've been refused a CAMHS referral several times as he's not suicidal or srlf harming, apart from pulling out his hair that is. I just don't know who to turn to or how to support him.
Sorry this is long, any advice really appreciated.