Ex doesn't believe our ds has Aspergers

[AlphaJuno]

My ds is 12 and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. At primary school he struggled with some of the school work and would never do any homework and has always found writing difficult.

On starting secondary school his behaviour became a cause for concern. He made friends but they all seemed to be 'trouble makers' and he was getting daily detentions and isolations for truanting lessons, swearing at teachers, messing about and being rude, things like that. They moved him from his tutor because of his friendship with a particularly disruptive pupil. The school suggested I got him tested for adhd and asd. My first thoughts were he had adhd.

I got him assessed which has been a long process, he's now half way through year 8 and finally they say he as Aspergers. I didn't know much about the condition but reading up on it, I'm understanding it more and can see how it relates to ds. His dad (ex) on the other hand (who I knew would be like this) says it's 'bollocks' and 'they haven't got a clue' . Says it's just too much screen time and Xbox and that they're all like it these days. I texted ds on the weekend and asked if his dad was saying he didn't have it and was he confusing him and ds said yes . On the other hand the ex was concerned about his behaviour at school and kept saying he was on the verge of being expelled! Surely he'd want a bit more understanding for ds from the school. He just thinks they 'label' everyone these days. I'm aware the condition is a spectrum so ds's symptoms can seem subtle. What are the chances they've misdiagnosed him? I think he probably has it though.

Hi there AlphaJuno. First of all I’d like to give you a big cyber hug. A diagnosis on the autistic spectrum rocks your world and makes you anxious about the future.
What you have emphasise to your ex is denial will not help your son. In fact, you have to embrace the diagnosis. Asperger’s is a part of your son’s character.
My son was diagnosed with high functioning autism when 4. He didn’t attend school until he was 7, but ended up at a top state school and is now at a Russell group University studying a proper academic subject.
One thing we always do is pro-actively socialise him-he would easily retreat into his room otherwise. Also, find special things that he can be good at-Daniel is a very good runner.
Lastly, Asperger syndrome is often a more difficult diagnosis than autism-they have a social motive and therefore understand they are missing out on social life more than classically autistic people.

Please message me on here if you want to know more or have any questions.

Thanks for replying @SingleDadReally. In a way it's a relief to discover there's a 'reason' for ds's behaviour. I supppose he's quite late being diagnosed but I never would've got him tested unless the school flagged it up, and probably not if I was still with the ex who dismissed it as him just being the way he was. He always seemed quite clever as a toddler (talked in sentences really early) but I remember coming away from every parents meeting feeling deflated and wondering what I was doing wrong and feeling like a failure because they never had anything good or positive to say about ds 😟. Only that he wasn't where he 'should be' or meeting targets.

The school he is at now do seem to have quite good support and communicate regularly with me, so we'll see where we go from here. I am still learning about the condition, thank you for offering advice.

Hi Alpha, I’d agree with what’s been said above, many people have to wait a long time before they have a DX and if be very surprised it the DX was wrong.
Firstly try not to worry to much, having a DX can very useful and it is of course up to you who you share the information with.
My son was given a DX at 6 and we had a lot of support at primary school, as he grew older he needed less support and by the time he moved for 6th form we didn’t even tell his new school as he no longer need support.
He is now in charge of who he tells and he doesn’t define himself first and formostly as having Aspergers although he is quite happy knowing that he does have it.
He’s now 18 and applying to university.
I would suggest you get some support for yourself, have a look at the NAS, I went on a parents course with them and it was so helpful, I also had support in a parents group run by the council.
We didn’t surround ourselves with other children on the spectrum, but doing thing with others, like going to a weekly club really helped as it made me/us feel less alone.
My DS has got friends but is not big on social events, doesn’t drink and hates parties (not a typical 18 year old boy) he’s a gamer and has lots of online friends. He’s happy in his own company and is generally a very happy person.
I think starting secondary school is a really tricky time (we moved our DS in year 8 due to problems) and their friendship group is really important, it’s very easy to be influenced in the wrong way, so I would try and get some support in place before thing get out of hand.
That’s why you need support, you need to become your sons advocate, you need to push for what’s best for him which can be hard at times, having a DX can be really helpful as without one it’s easy to just be labled as a problem, the DX will help to put the support in place.
Your X partner needs to get on board and wise up, you need to support your son together with this, their are lots of positives about having a DX and he needs to realise this.
Good luck with it all x

Thanks it's itscold. That is some helpful advice. I have been given some info on some support services, I will check out what's available. I'm going to try and get the ex on board, as that would help ds more.