First post - please be gentle.
We have son aged 8 with diagnosis for dyslexia, ASD and ADHD. Our expectations for him are entirely realistic and we know the road ahead for him won't be the easiest. He attends a small state primary school and is generally happy, getting on with his teachers and has some friends.
In yrs 1 and 2 he'd been really lucky to receive SEN support from a brilliant TA who just understood him and made him engage with work and want to be in school. This time was always his favourite of the week. Sadly this couldn't be continued in Yr3 and he was assigned to two other TAs who really struggled with him. As a result everything went downhill very fast including his emotional state. He said he hated his life and worse.
We were already on the SENDIASS waiting list and had a referral to CAMHS but we knew the wait could be a long one. We began discussing with the school other options such as him having the old TA back or us being able to indirectly sponsor a specialist TA. We appreciated that the school has limited resources and that they have other children with SEN, some greater than our son so there was a limit to how much they can do. But towards the end of year 3 we had a very unhappy little boy and the school was adamant that its approach was the right one.
Our son does not have an ECHP and the school didn't feel he would get one nor were they prepared to write us a letter of support in applying for one.
We decided the next best option was to seek out a private SEN tutor which we found and began two 30 min sessions a week, one which meant taking him out for the last hour of the school day. I accept we could have kept them out of school time but we felt he was already maxxed out in school and adding more time would put further strain on him.
We told the school what we were doing, we were totally honest about it. We thought we were actually doing them a favour. Initially their response was that they would record it as unauthorised absence. Shortly after they changed their position and said they had an obligation to report us to the LA Safeguarding team. Their justification being that they couldn't guarantee our son's safety whilst he was with the tutor even though either myself or his mum would be there and tutor has valid DBS.
Relations with the school have now deteriorated. We suggested numerous compromises such as the tutor coming on site but nothing we suggested was considered. Mum had on several occasions got upset at school with the staff following the safeguarding accusations and we later learned these incidents were recorded on the aggressive parents register.
I felt the only option left was to formally complain to the governors about the SEN provision and safeguarding reporting. We had the panel hearing last week and have yet to hear their decision but found the process heavily skewed in the school's favour and generally adversarial and humiliating especially for my partner who has battled with anxiety and depression.
Today we received the letter from the school warning my partner that she will be barred from the school if her behaviour continues. I know we probably made mistakes along the way but we haven't set out to escalate the situation. I firmly believe there is a difference between being aggressive and being upset and that if someone is upset the first thing you do is offer to help them.
We have tried to engage with the school throughout with the process, certain that a middle ground could be found. I think most people would be upset and distressed if they were threatened with being reported to the safeguarding team for trying to help their child.
I apologise if any of this is just incoherent ramblings but my partner is at rock bottom right now. The good news is that our son is doing better and much happier and that spurs us to carry on as we have been. I am desperate to de-escalate things with the school and will try my best but I feel they have lost sight of what we're trying to do which is to help our child.
If you've got this far, thank you.