Concerned about niece

[Notatallobvious]

I'm not actually sure if I'm posting in the right section but I'm hoping for some suggestions. As the title suggests, I am concerned about my niece. She is now 13, and has had behavioural issues for as long as I remember. As soon as she hit toddlerhood, she started throwing massive tantrums that grew worse. As she got bigger they became more violent, she would throw things, kick anyone within reach, wreck entire rooms etc. My DSis and BIL have tried every approach over the years, ignoring her tantrums, then as she got older star charts, time out, spending time with her one to one, removing toys/devices etc. Nothing ever made any difference. Academically she has always been ahead for her age and was well behaved at school. Her tantrums lessened as she got past about age 9-10. They were gradually replaced with general surliness, no sense of humour or fun, being very antisocial to the point of rudeness (barely answering when spoken to, hardly ever smiling) since starting high school her school has deteriorated and she now regularly gets detentions for rudeness/answering back. At home she rules the household, they are so worried about upsetting her they let her get her own way all the time, she even tells them they can't go out in the evening and they've cancelled holidays and social plans due to her demanding that they stay at home. It seems clear to me and has done for a long time that she is a very unhappy child, but they have not sought help beyond seeing a primary school counsellor for a while. Anyone experienced this kind of behaviour/personality type? I wonder if she has some kind of mental health issue or if she is on the autistic spectrum but I don't know enough about it.

I have a niece and newphew on the autistic spectrum. Key things that stood out were:

-taking things literally
-missing social cues, not understanding sarcasm
-got along great with adults or young children but never with peers, classed as loners
-sensory issues, struggling with too much noise/smells/textures
-coming across socially awkward (described as rude for not getting invlolved)
-meltdowns
-high anxiety
-fleeting or awakward eye contact
-academically bright

No two autistic people are the same but some of the cluster characteristics can be red flags. It could be something else or she could be on the spectrum. If you want to know more about autism National Autistic Society and Autism West Midlands cover a lot.

The way we went about it was referral from GP to CAMHs and meeting within SENCO. Schools can be dismissive as they don’t often see the same issues at school as autistic kids mask a lot and break down at home, or in our case issues have to pointed out for them to see. My advice would be for parents to make a list of things that stand out and present this at school and the GP (cam do a log/ diary). Ask school to monitor/ observe and request education psychologist. We found problems got worse older my nice got, she wasn’t diagnosed until 15, the support since has helped a lot (wasn’t easy but being the informed with relevant law and info helped, IPSEA/SOSSEN as well as mumsnet helped us a lot). Good luck

Sorry spotted many typos😟

Forgot to add, when we got to CAMHS Parents did a medical history (missed milestones/ speech delay/ fussy eating/ issues with social interaction) from birth to present. This showed red flags when she was younger and helped paint an overall picture.

Thanks, it does seem like she has quite a few of those things on the list going on. Definitely the meltdowns/socially awkward/doesn't get sarcasm (or humour) I just think she's only going to get worse with hormones and her parents are stressed out as it is.

If they start now they can get the right support in place of she is on the spectrum. Things like quite place at lunch and a exit card for when she gets stressed ha made a big difference. Once you start the journey you start to access what’s out there. Mumsnet community is a great support, maybe try to point parents in the direction of support sites. More the family learns about the issues the better supported the child is at home and schools.

I played a support role for my sister, went to meetings and appointments so she had a support network too. It is a hard and stressful road but you get there, it’s gets easier as you pass each hurdle and get in touch with others who are or have been in the same situation. That’s where we got the most from, I didn’t really need to start my own thread as I would find people having been in the same situation right here on mumsnet. Many people on here helped us on our journey by sharing their experience/ wisdom/ advice. Special Needs Jungle is another great support site worth checking out.