5 year old struggles with emotional regulation

[lepotato]

I don't know at this point whether my son has SEN but thought this was the best place to post for advice. There are many little things about him that are a bit different from the norm but the significant one is his huge meltdowns when something upsets him & his inability to calm himself down. It's a lot like a toddler tantrum with shouting and hitting and throwing sometimes and can last a really long time. He always wants cuddles to calm down but then even with cuddles the calming down process takes a long time and he'll cling to me and often start up crying again. It's so draining and there are times I question whether I'm handling it right as at school (where they obviously can't sit cuddling him every time something upsets him) he seems to hold it together. I have tried being more firm and telling him he needs to go somewhere quiet to calm down but he seems completely unable and usually ends up wailing and kicking on the floor at that point. I obviously tell him off for hitting etc & we always have a good talk after - he's great at talking about his emotions after when he's calmed down. Just in the moment it's a mess. I feel so down about it because we seem to have made zero progress in years now. I really hoped he'd have grown out of it by now. Any advice or anyone in a similar situation?

🐛

How old is your son ? Has nursery/school picked up on anything.

Thank you for your reply sparkly. He's 5 and no problems at school.

(Year 1)

My son who is nearly 7 is like this, even now!

I know exactly where you're coming from OP because it's so difficult when they're like that and people can be so ridiculously judgmental! You feel you have to make a stand so that they don't turn into spoilt little brats but sometimes that approach doesn't help.

My son is very bright and very sensitive but he shows his anxiety through anger. He worries a lot. After a few years of being quite firm and matter of fact with him and not really getting anywhere we're now making lots of progress by being a lot softer and talking things though before he explodes. He's also not that good at opening up about things so it takes some skill to see what's bothering him! Like I said above, he's very bright but his understanding and academic ability seem to be totally at odds with his emotional ability. Part of it is an age thing I think but he's also made loads of progress from us laying the empathy and nurture on really thick! He's stubborn too though and won't give up when he sets his mind on something but as he gets older is starting to self regulate his behaviour a little better. It's really hard at times though, it really is !

When you say he has other quirks, what are they if you don't mind me asking?

I think if your son's behaviour is generally ok at school then it shows he does have some control over it which is reassuring. My son is the same and I think sometimes he keeps things in until he gets home and then explodes!

They do grow up a lot over those few years and lots of 5/6 year olds still need to work on self regulation. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though !

Thank you for your reply chicken, your son sounds a lot like my son! I'm glad you said layering on empathy and nurture has helped because that's what I feel helps my son too but like I said, I go back and forth because I do feel the pressure to toughen up and 'get him to behave' especially in public! The quirks - he's kind of just in his own little world. He has imaginary friends who he talks to and often when I try and speak to him he'll say 'hang on' then finish his conversation with them or he'll narrate what they're doing. He doesn't seem to care what other people think and doesn't follow trends, he likes princess dresses and will want to pick out a nice floral mug in the supermarket for example. He just seems to take an interest in things you wouldn't necessarily expect from a 5 year old boy.

I don't think I explained that v well, I'll try and think of some more examples!

Zones of Regulation!

There is a book but essentially there are colours ascribed to a mood. As the course progresses, you can add more subtle nuances about additional vocab to describe the word. You can also start thinking about what to do if you find yourself in the red (angry) zone for example.

For little ones, they often don’t know why they feel the way they do so to be able to say to you that they are in he red zone, once you have worked with them on what they would like you to do once they are in a particular zone, they know what to expect and it becomes more calming.

It works really well if you do it too. ‘I’m feeling like I’m in the blue zone now, I need 5 minutes to have a think’ etc. Just models it for them. Or ‘I can see you’re in the red zone now so we’ll give you xx minutes to calm down then we can have a cuddle like we agreed’.

The fact that he’s saving it up for you could be a good indication that he’s holding it in all day at school. Once he is a bit more familiar with the zones, see if you can get school on board to timetable up the day and get him to assign colours to time slots. They may be surprised at what comes up and it can help identify areas of stress.

I like that idea! Do you have a reference or should I just make it up?

The Zones of Regulation www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B008M7E0G8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hgeNBb8VQ186R?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It’s a well used system in my LA. The book is worth the money and even better if school come on board as well.

DS is/was like this
Also took ages to go to sleep
Needs routine
Controlling play with others/likes to be in charge
Meltdowns often over transitions eg going to school or bedtime
Anxiety over small issues

He was diagnosed with attachment problems

Niceupthedance could you explain a little more about with they think it is attachment issues. My daughter is very similar and I have wondered if it's attachment. Have they given any strategies to support you?

@Gillbillz a couple of reasons, I had bad antenatal depression (was single from pregnancy) then undiagnosed PND in the first year. I thought I was well, was doing everything I was supposed to but obviously I was not fully engaged due to the depression. We also moved house a few times in his early years.

Strategies. Not really, just said I had to "repair" the relationship. I looked up co-regulation, therapeutic parenting and made my own strategies. I have also told the school so they know as he doesn't show his feelings at school. They help him a lot with increasing his self-esteem.

Most beneficial has been to remain calm at all times, which helps him feel less anxious, so he doesn't have to control everything, which means he doesn't have a meltdown.

@lepotato and @chickenmayhem. Really pleased to have found this thread and was wondering how you were both getting on. My son sounds very similar to yours. His emotional maturity is really far behind his academic. He has huge meltdowns over tiny things, so we often feel like we're walking on egg shells. Like you we've found loads of empathy and "babying" helps, but now he is coming on for 7 I really want to help him recognise his own emotions and regulate himself more. I've read "The Explosive Child" and "7 days to a less defiant child" (think it's called that) both of which are brilliant and would recommend, but now he is nearly 7 I'm looking for any resources or help which will help him become more emotionally aware and regulate himself! The zones of regulation looks great, but more classroom designed and seems to be out of print. Did anyone on here find anything that worked for their child?