15 year old boy with severe anxiety

[magicmum0906]

I have a 15 year son who is suffering from severe anxiety which has resulted in him having a school phobia and refusal to go to school as diagnosed by CAHMS in May. He is on the SENCO register at school but I feel very let down by the school. When he is in the heightened state of anxiety about going to school it ends up in battle to get him there and once there he refuses to co-operate with anyone at school and because he feels that no listens to him in school he becomes very angry and aggressive. He has been badly bullied and threatened whilst at school. One pupil actually said to him ' fight me or I'll stab you'. My son told school about this but they didn't seem to take it seriously. When he is angry or aggressive it results in me being called back to school to try to calm him down or him being sent home. I am a single parent and need to work in order to keep the roof over our heads and work have been very understanding up to now but I am not sure how much longer they are going to be. Although he has seen CAHMS in May they in their wisdom discharged him from their care stating he has severe anxiety that would benefit from cognitive therapy but that could be sorted via school. But the old school did nothing about organising it. When he returned to school after the spring term break he only ended up doing 2 days in school because school put him on Fixed Term exclusion because he smashed a window in anger because no one would listen to him then following that he had another episode on anxiety resulting in angry they then tried to put him in isolation for a further 5 days but he point blank refused to go to school so they decided to move him to the new school for the respite care for 4 weeks only.
So he started this new school last week on the first day he did the whole day and went to all the lessons and had a positive day but there was one negative of the whole day when someone called him a real nasty name and the negative became the whole day. So the second day I struggled but got him to school but he was really anxious and really upset so the head of year spoke to him and asked me to take him to our GP to see if we could some help in dealing with his anxiety. So we went and GP wasn't really that helpful but did agree to refer him back to CAHMS but obviously there would be a waiting list to be seen again. The following day was even more of a struggle to get him to school and once we had got there he became very distraught, shaking and physically sick. So the assistant principle asked me to take him to A&E as he was having a 'mental health crisis'. So we went and eventually a CAHMS worker came to see us. She was really helpful and could see that my son was really struggling. So she has now put in urgent referrals for CBT therapy, ASD assessment (which hasn't happened yet) an support for me. So the new school decided that my son could do what hours he could do and just by getting into school would be a big positive. We tried and we managed to get in school every day but my son was not able to get in lessons due to his anxiety. So he had to have teachers sat with him trying to keep in calm and work with him on his anxiety. Now yesterday he had a total meltdown in school and lost the plot completely but managed to stay in school until 30 mins before the end of the day. But then I had a phone call from the school in the evening asking me to go into school this morning. The new school has decided that he can't stay there as they haven't the provision or staff to cope with my son and his needs and it has been agreed that he now stays at home. So now I have to wait for his old school to contact me for meeting to decide what happens next. Because it was respite care he has remained on the old school books. My son is point blank refusing to go back to the old school as he blames them for the way he is because they wouldn't listen to him. The respite school are of the opinion that he needs to go to a non mainstream school but my son is adamant he wants to stay at the new school.
I feel a total failure as a mother, I feel so alone and desperate and don't know which way to turn now. We have another appointment tomorrow with the CAHMS worker,who saw us in A&E, she has been to see my son in school yesterday and went again today but my son refused to even get out of the car to go into school to speak to her. So now we are going to CAHMS building for her to see him and also she thinks he needs medication to help with his severe anxiety. It's not something she would recommend but she feels it's necessary for my son at the moment. He feels that she listens to him and is trying to help him. He has even admitted to her that he sometimes wishes he was dead then he wouldn't have to go to school and his mum wouldn't have to deal with all this. That absolutely breaks my heart to hear this no child should be talking like that and I am frightened for him. I am not sleeping, eating and struggling to hold myself together in front of my son and now I have been signed off work for a month with severe stress myself.
I am so desperate and would be grateful for any advice that can be given.

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. This is a sadly familiar story as young people’s mental health services struggle to cope and families have to fight to get the help they need. I think it is admirable the way you are fighting for your son, and that you are seeking help through mumsnet despite being under such stress. I hope I can be of a little help with a few suggestions.

Firstly, I would take steps to steady your own wellbeing. Perhaps you have already done this to some extent, or perhaps you feel guilty prioritising yourself. Your fight to help your son is likely to be a long one, and so you need your stamina to last. Your son is also likely to benefit from you taking care of your own wellbeing as you can be calmer for him. Maybe there’s a relative who can look after the kids, or you can just have time to yourself when they’re in bed, or you can get therapy for yourself?

Medication may be appropriate, but make sure they offer therapy alongside as this will make it more likely to help. If you need help arguing for this, you can say it is in the NICE guidelines. Be aware also that medication can have significant side effects including suicidal thoughts.

I’d contact your local SENDIASS group. They can advise you on what to do about school. You could ask for him to be transferred on a manage move to the new school. Even if he doesn’t succeed there, at least he wants to go more, and it sounds like they are more proactive in trying to get help for him. If he was on role there, they couldn’t just tell him to stay at home. I’d ask school to get an educational psychologist involved regardless, to advise the school on strategies to support him. Also, your son may qualify for an Education Health and Care Plan (for kids who need a high level of support in school). If he gets one of these, you have more choice in the school you’d like him to attend. This might be a special school, so perhaps have a look at them in the area.

If you think it’s likely that your son has autism, perhaps it would be useful to read more about autism including sensory issues, as these may be causing or adding to his anxiety? You might have already done this though.

Hope this helps a little. All the best.