12yo really struggling with friendships, breaks my heart

[MerryMarigold]

My ds1 is not formally diagnosed with 'anything' but has had various issues (seen OT for a while, ADHD diagnosis but for ADD, slow processing/ working memory, been in groups for social skills at school). He gets on ok academically, though he has to work harder to be average than his siblings do to do very well. I am most worried about his friendships, which he's struggled with for most of his school life.

He was ok in Nursery, but very quickly in Reception he was developmentally behind (maturity level I'd say) his nursery friends and was bullied/ excluded by them in Reception. Most of this came out later and just manifested with really awful behaviour, lack of sleeping and eating problems. In Y2 I managed to get him moved into a different class where he found a friend, which was great, and he was separated from the 'cool' kids who had excluded him. He settled down and was very close to this one child in Y2/Y3 and Y4. It was always really this one child who he was close to, although he had a few more peripheral friends.

In Y5 we moved, and he started a new school. He took a very long time to make friends there and again was excluded/ bullied by being made fun of. I spoke to the school, but you can't force friendships. The more obvious stuff stopped (name calling/ hitting), but the general being left out continued for over a year. We tried play dates, birthdays etc. Only one child/ parents really responded a little. By the time he left Y6 he had a couple of 'friends' although I somewhat doubted their friendship to be honest.

Going into Y7 it was a new start and I was so relieved as he left most of that class and only moved up with a couple of kids in the school, one of whom is a very nice kid. He was so happy for the first few weeks as the school has a very big catchment and many children did not know people, so it was a bit of a free for all in terms of friends, and he felt included and seemed to be making friends with a few people. I was so so happy and relieved. Recently, the behaviour has gone downhill again and it has come out in the past few days that once again he is on his own all of lunchtime and does not feel he has friends, that he is not cool enough to have friends, he can't find anyone at lunchtime etc.

It breaks my heart to see his confidence plummet like this and I don't know what to do to help. I am posting here because I do believe he has some SN even if not formally diagnosed and because I know other SN do struggle socially. I just wondered what help you give your children to make friends, and if you think I should pursue a more formal diagnosis for my ds, and how I would go about doing that.

Firstly I'm so sorry....I know that this is very hard for any Mum to see.

Secondly, definitely look at a diagnoses...it can open doors to all sorts of help and also, an understanding for him if he does have SN.

The first thing to do is to make an appointment with your GP....you can go alone to talk about your worries and ask for an assessment.

The next thing is to make an appointment with his form tutor and try to establish some kind of support for him.

Is it a good school in general?

There may be some lunchtime clubs which can be a real lifeline for children who struggle socially...and he will there, possibly meet other kids who struggle and find some comfort.

In the meantime assure him constantly and try to give him some coping tools for lunchtime such as a book to read.

I hope it gers better very soon.x

Thanks so much. He was so upset last night, and said, I can't wait another year to make friends. 'Luckily' (I was originally against it), they are allowed on their phones at lunchtime, so I think that's what he does, but it's not helping him feel better about himself. I think they've formed into groups now and he basically doesn't feel good enough, and then he doesn't act confidently/ acts a bit awkwardly and is sidelined. I was so heartbroken it's happening again, let alone how he must feel. I will get together with form tutor and see if we can progress from there in terms of the social side of things in school.

I know a child with much more prominent needs who has not yet got an ASD diagnosis, though it is pretty clear to many who spend much time with him, including school, that he is probably Aspergers. I think they are reluctant to hand out diagnoses anymore. I just don't want to put ds1 through lots of meetings only to find out there is nothing bad 'enough' to warrant a diagnosis. Do you think private is better? Do you think I should get him some counselling to help build confidence?

I think OP that you'll get far more informed posts and more action if you post on this board below

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs

That is the general SN board and it's far busier than this one with people who know more about private v NHS diagnosis AND about how to help DS right now.

I'd copy and paste my original post or, report your own first post and ask MNHQ to please move it and they will just pop the whole thing on the board I linked to.

My limited knowledge is that private dx isn't always respected in schools and that an NHS one is better.

What are his interests? Does he like any specific things that you could find a club for him to join in with?

Thanks CheapSausages. I thought that was where I was!!! I will cut and paste.

No worries. :)