Christmas with Nephew undiagnosed SEN

[Okkitokkiunga]

I am looking for a bit of advice. My DH nephew has undiagnosed SEN. They are going through it at the moment. He is 9 yrs old and they live in France, where they don't seem to have much support. Anyway, they are coming to us for Christmas and I would like to have some coping mechanisms in place especially as he doesn't speak English so we are restricted in the activités we can do.

We all struggle with how to deal with him and his behaviour. E.g. He only wants to do what he wants to do and if he is playing a game with the other children and he is Losing he violently decides he doesn't want to play. Last time he was playing cards with my daughter and threw them so hard in her face the card cut her. I was on my own with him his brother and my two children as his parents were having a sleep. I treated it like a naughty child and told him off and put him in the naughty corner. I probably shouldn't have done this.

I don't want to spend a weeks with no one wanting to play with him or feeling angry with him. Unfortunately his parents have had a bit of a bury their heads in the sand attitude, though to be fair to them I think that may also be due to a lack of support and recognition in France. They took him to a child psychologist who said he had a problem concentrating. Also as a family they have had a lot of health issues to hit my DSil and other DN.

Sorry it's a bit long.

I think maybe it would be better if you didn't try to get him to join in, as he doesn't sound like it's something he enjoys. Could you ask what he likes to do at home to occupy himself and get that in for him? Depending on the age of your children you could also have a word with them in advance about how DNeph (possibly) sees the world.

Also, if the suspicion is ASD, could you check about food preferences, as there may be tastes/ textures/ smells he can't deal with.

I am thinking of removing triggers, principally.

Trouble is he likes joining in as long as he's winning. He can't play on his own - he's constantly wanting to play with people. He craves attention constantly. He's recently started to be very conscious of his appearance but if he takes his jumper off and his hair gets messed he has a complete meltdown.

Food isn't an issue - he eats like a horse.

Unfortunately he's also better behaved when his parents aren't around.

However I have no idea if that's because his parents are his safe place for him to kick off or because he reacts to them.

Poor lad.

Maybe games where there aren't such clear cut winners and losers?
e.g. Pop Up Pirates or Jenga where in a way it doesn't matter as you do repeat goes, and it is quite fun if you 'lose' anyway?

Or activities such as cake making/decorating (unless getting 'messy' is an issue) rather than games?

Definitely ask parents how they manage behaviour

Parents have no idea how to manage his behaviour as they don't know what they are dealing with. It quite often ends up in tears all round. Frankly it's horrendous. SiL has health issues of her own and other DN had brain surgery about 18 months ago. He's younger.

From what I have gathered, France is rather useless in dealing with children with SEN.

But what do I do if he kicks off. I'm envisaging being in charge of child care at some point plus obviously I have to watch my DC's.

Hate to say it but for your purposes; screens. Let him have a fair amount of screen time? If you see him beginning to get agitated maybe suggest time out with his screen of choice? The down side of this (in terms of your holiday) could be he doesn't surface much to be sociable, or the screens themselves could wind him up (I know my ds can be hard work after being in screens for a while). A change of scene can also be very helpful - so a trip to the park to burn off energy. Don't Spring it on him though; give home warning what you are going to do.