To take dd clothes to charity shop

[NewLife4Me]

Just been in her bedroom and found a complete disaster.
Not only clothes (dirty) mixed with clean thrown in her wardrobe and pull out trays, but dirty underwear, chocolate and sticky sweets mixed in and several glasses/jug full of horrible yellowy custard type of stuff.

I thought she'd grown out of it, but I can't stress enough how disgusting it was.
I've peeled the crap off, folded them and bagged them up for charity shop.
She still has plenty left, hanging up, but she can't possibly need or want them if she is doing this.

I don't expect perfection, but she is 12 now and surely should be taking some responsibility for her surroundings.
Dirty clothes in a basket which is in her room, not taking chocolate, sweets and concoctions upstairs.

AIBU, I won't tell her unless she asks where something is, or I might take her to the shop on Saturday to visit her clothes

I find it helpful to think in terms of examples of behaviours rather than rights and wrongs.

I've found it can be hard to get people who are, by the nature of their roles, nurturing to focus on wrong. It us a lovely quality to see each individual as just that and sweep them along within a group encouraging a common behaviour pattern across the group rather than focusing on any individuals shortcomings.

So instead of asking for school about negative behaviours, you could ask them to confirm no. of loses, no. of marks for disorganisation etc and whether they see this as the high end or above the usual range for her peer group.

If you can home in on the areas you have questions over and clarify by clear questioning whether they see the same they may then ellaborate further with more examples if their line of thinking has been drawn in that direction.

Ah, thank you so much, will definitely bear this in mind.
It makes sense to allow school to draw out if necessary.
So atm I have lists of things where I think she isn't quite right or challenging behaviour etc . I nee to direct this by asking if she displays this certain behaviour at school, rather than presuming this is wrong.
is this what you mean?
i'm clarifying as communication is not my strong point

As a caveat to the above....Theres nothing wrong in going with your parenting instincts and seeking a diagnosis if you feel the behaviours fit.

I didn't mean to undermine your core feeling that somethings not right.

Your list sounds very much what i was trying to get too.

What I didn't communicate very well is that teachers tend to be caring of their pupils and look for the good in them. The word wrong may bring out their deffence of their charge instincts. Sometimes I've found that when I've questioned a broad concern they've attempted reassurance and say things like 'she's lovely or they're all a bit like that sometimes' rather than investigating my concerns.

By being more specific and direct about the concerns so 'do you think dd is more disorganised than her peers, with so many marks for it?' Is possibly more likely to get a considered response than 'do you think dd has possible adhd characteristics'.

If consideration is given to your questions you can then follow with your concern by saying with these behaviours we see at home and those you're seeing at home is it possible that we could investigate if dd has an additional support need'.

If the school agree to investigate further ask for specifics as to what investigation is likely, by whom and a rough timeframe. If communication is verbal follow up with a polite summary email (think brief bullet point minutes of a meeting). Its remarkable how time slips by and keeping records of communication so you can keep nudging things along and show professionals your route to diagnosis can be very useful.

Believe in yourself. You're your DD's advocate and the one best able to make things happen.

Mis

You didn't undermine me at all for your help and support.
Your point about a broad concern is my biggest worry tbh.
They are all quirky at her school and there is a tendency to put behaviour down to this, they are all a bit different in their own way.
Although saying this there are statemented children so they don't over look SEN iyswim.
My dh is good at being succinct so we work well together, I just have to give him the main ideas and he'll be fine. Unfortunately he is so busy atm, but it gives me time to ask for advice and get the main points down.
I just wish I knew how it worked, whether they billed you as a private assessment, whether the school would cover the costs, or how it actually works.

It cost us just under £500 (a lot less than the mega expensive ed psych we spent £1,500 on with ds who was no help & just wanted further appointments)

Dds school was fabulous - it was they who picked up the issues (we had no idea) & suggested an assessment.

I got home from a friend's house one afternoon to find my duvet, bean bag and a large selection of my clothes outside on the drive - my Mum told me if I wanted to live like a pig I could live outside like one.

What an excellent idea! Maybe I'll try that with my 22 year old son.