To take dd clothes to charity shop

[NewLife4Me]

Just been in her bedroom and found a complete disaster.
Not only clothes (dirty) mixed with clean thrown in her wardrobe and pull out trays, but dirty underwear, chocolate and sticky sweets mixed in and several glasses/jug full of horrible yellowy custard type of stuff.

I thought she'd grown out of it, but I can't stress enough how disgusting it was.
I've peeled the crap off, folded them and bagged them up for charity shop.
She still has plenty left, hanging up, but she can't possibly need or want them if she is doing this.

I don't expect perfection, but she is 12 now and surely should be taking some responsibility for her surroundings.
Dirty clothes in a basket which is in her room, not taking chocolate, sweets and concoctions upstairs.

AIBU, I won't tell her unless she asks where something is, or I might take her to the shop on Saturday to visit her clothes

I was disgusting at that age too, and as my mum was also going through a hard time herself and with my sister, she let things go that she wouldn't if shed been in a better frame of mind herself

I'm still messy as an adult but no longer disgusting! I am finally able to have friends over without being ashamed!

Sorry, my point was that it's better to learn as a child. You will need to help her clean, but make her actually help and show her what to do because she sounds like she doesn't have a clue. It's overwhelming when it gets into such a state and its easier to put your head in the sand

Tell her she'll wash her clothes and clean the pig sty up.

That or you'll remove her electronics and ground her till its done.

Perhaps it's dyspraxia? She's gifted, so perhaps other, mundane stuff doesn't occur to her or have any importance? [Glares at DH]
Maybe she thrives on chaos [glares at DH again] or maybe it got too much, and was easier to dump it all in together?
My DD is 10, and sometimes her room is so bad it's too much for her to tackle, so she leaves it and wails.

Sorry, post fail. Sometimes DD needs me to go through steps with her to tackle her room, as she just doesn't know where to start. She has AS, and yes, it can manifest v differently in girls, only you know whether she's just quirky, or something else.

When is say go through steps, I mean I give her nits to tackle. So, first- all clothes off floor and surfaces (and in appropriate places, ie laundry baskets or wardrobe). All soft toys off floor in proper place. All books. All stationery. Etc, etc. She finds it easier to tackle, and I can just say a next step as I waft past to tackle DS's room.

Shiny I would have moved his Xbox to the bathroom.

I have a brother who used to do that when he had the house to himself, and he wasn't a teenager in his own room with an Xbox, just a dirty fucker.

OP you have my sympathies and if you find a strategy that works would you let me know pls, I have a manky teenager.

Could you visit the GP for some advice? Perhaps they could offer some counselling or support. Could it be depression or feeling overwhelmed by things?

I was discussing and messy too. No reason for it, I was bright, well adjusted with good friends but just a slob. My mum did just shut the door but I wonder I if I needed a stronger hand. I don't mean giving or throwing my stuff away but some loose rules. Not sure what I will do when my school are older.

Middle DS is like this. I just quietly round up all the mess, stuff left lying around the house and let him earn it back as part of a rewards system. His entire match attacks album was particularly painful for him.

Its usually been his prized possessions that i've asked him 100 times to move or put away so I just ask a couple of times now then remove. Remarkably, or not, he's started getting much better at doing things when asked.

I think giving away your daughter's possessions (without at least talking to her) is quite controlling and mean tbh.

You can confiscate her phone. Give her 15 minutes daily to look at her timetable online. Lots of children don't have phones with internet connection. They manage

You could even print her timetable out

My family includes people with autism, ADHD, dyscalculia, dyslexia and dyspraxia. They're genetically linked conditions (though as far as I know autism clusters with the others; they don't necessarily cluster with autism, if that makes sense). If there are people in your family with similar then please, please don't bin her clothes. Please let it go this once, wash and put away, and seek an urgent referral. If you can afford it, post on SN Children and ask for recommendations for a really good practitioner, and see them privately so you can rely on the results (some private will too readily diagnose, and some NHS are useless and wouldn't know arse from elbow in any but stereotyped cases).

I'm not saying she does. I have no medical qualifications whatsoever and anyone who did wouldn't dream of offering opinions online anyway. I'm just saying that your gut is telling you something is not right, and in my experience decent parents who try all the normal stuff and get to the stage where you are are on to something if their gut says things aren't right. And you need to establish what the story is, because if she has a neurological problem, then punishing her for it will harm, not help.

DS is autistic. Unsupported, he was unravelling fast and becoming a horrible child. He is a delight when understood and in a school where he can feel safe. Shame is toxic for anyone - if your DD has a hidden disability, then she can be supported, too. Her life can be a lot better - so will yours be, too. And if you exclude that possibility, then you can take disciplinary steps with a clear conscience, knowing she can improve her behaviour and is just choosing not to.

Good luck. She's lucky to have a mum this engaged, concerned and open to alternative explanations. I hope things improve for you all, whatever lies behind this.

guerre Mon 11-Apr-16 20:30:14

Sometimes DD needs me to go through steps with her to tackle her room, as she just doesn't know where to start. She has AS, and yes, it can manifest v differently in girls, only you know whether she's just quirky, or something else.

I think one of your issues is you have left it too long so it has got too messy.

As soon as it starts to go disorganised then is the time to get her to tidy it.
So

• sweet wrappers on floor = need tidy room
• clothes on floor = need to tidy room
• more than 1 used mug in room = need to tidy room

etc.

My teen DD with dyspraxia can't organise her way out of a paper bag really. But she can follow a system if 'trained' to do so, so on things we have practiced, she can actually be quite organised.

Just wanted to clarify something - DS was diagnosed by someone very senior in the NHS. There are incredible practitioners working for the state service. But it's pot luck, and we've seen genuinely awful ones, too. By seeing someone strongly recommended by parents with affected kids, you can guarantee competence. It doesn't mean competence isn't found on the NHS, and I didn't for a moment mean to say otherwise.

muddling nice to know someone's on my wavelength! That's pretty much how we manage it too- holiday to holiday. My children are a weeny bit younger, so 'No food upstairs' still means no food upstairs!

I have to say that my room was always a tip until I went to university, then it was spotless. No food waste though, but plenty of dirty clothes scattered around. I've no idea why I kept it like that tbh.

Thank you all so much.
It's another one of those things that in itself doesn't sound too bad, but with everything else, it's time for me to take action.
I'll email school tomorrow and see what they say too.

The phone isn't possible as she needs it, but she won't need her ipad, she doesn't have gaming very often, once in a blue moon.
We have tried everything, it's as though she is doing it on purpose to taunt me at times.
Dirty Knickers is eww and no amount of explaining and helping makes any difference at all.

It really is like she hasn't got a clue or doesn't care.
Sometimes she just shrugs it off and says her usual it'll be alright.
She is so laid back about the mess.
I love her dearly and it's hard to pin point the actual problem, where do I start explaining in my email.
Just giving examples doesn't seem as though it will get the message across.

guerre my youngest is 9, but I think they will have a no food in bedrooms rule for as long as they live here. Their rooms are tiny, there is just nowhere for them to leave empty plates or cups safely!

Although I would love to totally empty DS's room of clutter at some point as I'm sure he must have at least a dozen pairs of socks stashed under that mid-sleeper! Grr!

teen

She is so damned quick with it and it seems like it is constant too.
She makes excuses that she passes dorm inspection and the other girls don't.
I know that the hm's don't go in wardrobes and cupboards.
She must be like this constantly at school too.
Almost like she's trying to dare herself or something.
Her room looked lovely, I even congratulated and praised her on her improvement.
I would have cried if dh hadn't been there to witness it too.

Every drawer, shelf and nook and cranny had stuff shoved in it, rather than put away.
We have given her the smaller room as we thought her lovely big room was the problem.
She will lie and say she's done it but go into elaborate detail.
If I say something is black she will argue it's white, and the verbal diarrhea is unbelievable and none stop. She could cause an argument in an empty room, but I love her so much.

We're going to move this to the SEN topic at the OP's request.

Has anybody any experience of assessment at a private school?
I know there is a doctor at school and senco but just wondered what approach they will take as can't find this in the policies.
I'm sure they'll tell us when we send the mail but still waiting on dh to be free to help with the wording etc.

No experience of assessment through private school but I have bypassed school and been referred via the gp, then when getting taken seriously kept school on board and so they've provided support statements were necessary.

Are school seeing any issues?

yes, they see problems with organisation and have put strategies in place to help her.
I will ask if they will check her belongings during term time, but this is a grey area as I'm not sure they are allowed to do this.
I suppose if the floor is clear, bathroom tidy they don't look in wardrobe and drawers and wouldn't see the mess she makes.

She has received marks for disorganisation, losing things, time keeping etc that have lead to detentions.
So I know they'd agree there were problems.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if they have been waiting for us to contact them.

I'd have acted sooner but keep talking ourselves out of it as sometimes she seems fine and no problems at all.
Then something happens that makes us think there are problems.
We are definitely going to follow through this time, even if they say nothing is wrong.