How to help angry dyslexic 7-yr old?

[lisa27]

My son has v recently been diagnosed dyslexic, although I suspected for some time. Our appointment to discuss his assessment was rushed at the end of summer term and we moved schools over holidays as not happy.
New school is trying to sort things out and has only just received assessment details and is promising another meeting with us to discuss it and plan ahead.
In the meantime, son has same homework as theother kids, plus homework from special needs teacher. He gets in a state about doing it as he is frequently tired when he gets home. He shouts and calls himself stupid, beats his head with his fists - heartbreaking. Try to rassure hime and offer helo with homework. He likes to get everything done in one go, no amount of reassurance, or suggestions of breaking it down into bits seems to work.
Parents evening. Teacher pleased he tries so hard - didn't even want to go out to play so could finish some work. Has settled in well and made friends. I explained how he is with homework and that felt at the moment it was adding pressure, rather than helping. She said it was fine if I just wrote a note about what we'd done (or ortherwise). Then son comes home saying he has to get the homework done we chose not to do (because of the state he was in).
Don't know what to do for the best. Want to encourage without pushing and to try and understand. Not only dyslexia to cope with but also fact that this schol's stnadards are so much higher than our previous appalling primary.
Any suggestions, please?

I personally think you need to take the pressure off him - as a dyslexic child his day will be tiring enough without adding to it at home. I also have a 7 year old boy and have suspected for some time that is dyslexic (like his older brother), his teacher agrees. We are waiting for him to be "screened" at school. Luckily the only homework he gets is daily reading and two-weekly spelling and TBH even that is a struggle some days. I think you need to go back to his teacher and explain that there seems to be some confusion; you understood that it was ok not to finish the work but your son thinks that he has to do it and see what she says. I had a similar situation with DS1 while at primary and basically agreed with the school that he would do whatever homework he was set by the SN teacher, but not the whole class work as well as it was just too much. The disadvantage of this of course is that the child ends up feeling even more "different" to his classmates, but unfortunately this is going to happen no matter what you do. Maybe you could suggest to your son's teacher that he only do the SN work at the moment, with the idea of reviewing the situation at the next full meeting. Good luck.

I do feel for you both, I have a DD the same age with dyspraxia and it is really hard sometimes to know how to handle the whole thing. I agree with sunnydelight about getting the pressure off him, which is pressure he's exerting on himself by the sound of it. What about a meeting of you, him and the teacher where it is agreed exactly what he will be doing. I think he needs reassurance from the teacher that he doesn't need to do it.

Also are there any books aimed at children his age about dyslexia ? I'm hopefully going to get one for DD on dyspraxia. He needs to realise that he isn't stupid and it's just that these things are harder for him than for others. Has he got any interests that he enjoys doing to help him increase his self confidence ? I've found that so far we've been lucky with DD and her self esteem has remained fairly high most of the time (there are dips though) but she was lucky and picked up early in reception and has had a lot of help. Doing drama has been fantastic, the last thing I would have though of her doing but a friend suggested this.

Thanks for the replies. I agree we need to take the pressure away and that much of it is generated by my son himself. I think he is feeling a bit different, although he has been very mature (for want of a better word) in telling other children in his class that he has dyslexia. Sometimes he seems quite proud and likes telling others about famous people who have it. We bought a book by Althea which explains dyslexia from the viewpoint of different children. It has bright cartoons and he enjoys it.
I am due another meeting with the school soon anyway, so I hope we can address these issues again then and I am frequent playground pest to his teacher! So she knows how I feel. Ironically, although his reading and spelling aren't great - he seems to feel more anxious about numeracy - and he doesn't get help from the SEN with this - just the literacy. This week she not only sent home spellings but a whole sheet of A4, with a passage to read and complete activities including drawings (now he would like to spend ages on these drawings alone, so we didn't do them) and a couple of sentences to re-write. Then the school provides three reading books and numeracy homework. I think that's a lot, although he doesn't get the class literacy work at present.I am ahppy for him to do SEN stuff butnot if she's going to give him this much.
I have spoken to him about finding an activity out of school that he really enjoys and he is thinking about what to do. I have also taken six-months out of my university course so I can be around without the hassle of shifts and essays! My husband is dyslexic but is a bit wary of education, so tends to keep quiet.TBH he is rubbish at talking about things.

That's a lot of homework for 7 if you ask me. My DD gets one list of about 10 words to learn, which includes a sheet to fill in, but the word list is on there so very easy. And the dreaded times tables have reared their head which she freaked about. Reading books are as when when, there's no pressure to get through a certain amount so it depends how she is feeling on that front. She doesn't get anything from the SENCO. Though at the moment she has physio exercises and will be having a bit of speech therapy stuff to do I think, but they are all temporary and not from school.

DD feels different and copes fine with it most of the time but every so often struggles a bit with the concept. I've been looking for a book like the Althea one for Dsypraxia but haven't found one.

I love the term "playground pest" ! I was completely unprepared for having to this but learnt fast. How is he socially ? Are there any friends of him doing things that he might to go along to so he has an ally at the beginning if you see what I mean ?

This all sounds stressful, juggling this and University work. Sorry you've had to take time off but hopefully it will take a fair bit of pressure off you, what are you doing ? I'm convinced my DH has dyspraxia as well, him and DD are a great double act at walking into walls that aren't there ! He suffered quite badly at school and I'm determined the same won't happen to DD, it's very hard though isn't it sometimes.

What about trying to agree with DS that he will only do a certain amount of time on his homework, then set a timer. Once the timer goes off he stops and has to do something completely unrelated to school work ?

Hi Kitty.
I've just searched through Althea publications to see if I coud find one on dyspraxia but couldn't. Could be my rubbish search technique so it might be worth asking the library?
Like the idea of the timer but can imagine son would be upset he hadn't got everything done before the timer went off, rather than seeing it as a signal to stop and take a break away from school work. I'll talk to him about it and see how he feels.
Son is very socialable - all three are - it's a job to keep them quiet. Have made friends quickly at new school and been singled out for his kindness but don't think any do things he is interested in. Might see if can find football/swimming. Likes those. Wish there was an art group for his age but he is too young. Went to Beavers for a short time but several were little thugs. Mind you, ds is little toad at moment, aside from the dyslexia stuff - we are going thru' the "how far can I push u to really p* you off" mode, which is fantastic.
Is the physio helping your dd? Have to say I don't know much of dyspraxia, is it associated with poor co-ordination?
Was doing an NHS course at uni. Just gone into the second year.

I sympathise my son sounds a lot like your son especially the hitting himself in the head thing when he is frustrated, also 7 and has changed school and they are getting him re assessed etc. think the school needs to let you do less homework and get some of the pressure reduced, it sounds like he is already trying hard so they need to ease up on the homework. I am meant to be doing my dissertation year at uni but since our move in june my ds's life has gone into meltdown and uni seems unimportant . I think the move has changed him. there is talk of dyspraxia etc and 'more than that' from the head teacher, but he does not manifest any problem at home and it all started after the move and not before. anyway I hope they let your ds do less homework mine brings home lots of sums to copy out and do -would take us hours so I have not done it , the reading is bad enough

Hi Jenny,
Sorry to hear bout your son. It is heartbreaking isn't it? Do you think it is the move, or could the dyslexia be more apparent? I was told when mine was asssessed (although I don't know how right this is yet, as am so new to all this) that it could affect my ds more as he gets older and as his work becomes more complex...
It was really only at the end of the last school year we noticed it having an effect on how he felt about himself - even though we thought there were problems right from reception year. He hated the group numeracy work on the carpet more than anything because he just couldn't work out what he was supposed to do. All the others were coming up with the answers - even kids he knew hadn't been doing as well as him in the past. He said he felt stupid. And the school was hopeless. They just said "Oh" when we told them how he was feeling because he was so well behaved and worked hard. THEN they planned to split classes and put him with two troublemakers because he was a good influence on them. His friends were put into a different class. But he had to tell me that, the school kept it quiet). Just what he needed when his self-esteem was being undermined - distractions and no firends. No wonder we moved schools.
Oops, sorry for rant. You really didn't need to know all that. How do you stop your son hurting himself? I try to get him to sit on my knee for hugs but sometimes he just shouts at me...

Jenny,
Meant to say, could you take some time out from your course, or is that just not feasible?

We cant stop him doing the hitting himself but when he is doing it he will stop if we tell him to but then does it again and when he is bullied or threatened he really loses it. i think he had small problems but when we moved they got amplified. I feel sympathy for you, I dont understand why the school is not more understanding

New school does seem better. Just trying to sort out the homework really and waiting for this meeting.
Just would like to make him feel better about himself and make it all magically go away.
JennyLee, really hope you get some help identifying your ds other problems and hope he is a happy little fella again. Must be really hard for you. Do you know people in the area you have moved to?

No, we don't know anyone is a bit of a nightmare at the moment, the kids in our street are a bit rough and were very racist with ds who is a quarter spanish, so he cant go out to play anymore for about a month now after he got battered about 3 times, although he does not back down and avoid conflict enough either. I want to leave uni but my parents are piling on the pressure even though i am 29 and moved out when i was 18 lol.So really ds's life sucks at the moment he hates school adn cant go out to play, but is meant to be temporary untill we get a permanent house lol is a bit of a can of worms , my life at the moment. Well I am glad your ds is okay at school and it is just the homework that is causing the problem, as the homework can be worked out and hopefully they will let him do less as he tries so hard at school, I hope it goes your way.

Sorry to hear what a rough time you and ds are having. Poor liitle thing. I should think that is causing quite few problems in itself. Where to people get off on being racist? I just don't get it. Sending you hugs. He can come and play with my kids anytime! My little boy's best mate in reception happens to be Spanish!
Your parents aren't living your life. Only you know what is best for you. Can you not take a break and go back, rather than leave the course? I was worried about my in laws because I feel like they look down their noses at me a bit but they can get over it. Especially as I dropped out when I was 18 'cos I missed their son too much!

lol I also dropped out of college at 18 for the same reason, seemed like a good idea at the time lol. I hope this week goes better you

unfortunately I live in Scotland and I bet you live in England lol but nice of you to say that

Yeah, I do live in England. Oh well! The thought's there! Feeling fed up today. Had a bad weekend with 7yr old. He was really tired and absolutely horrible. In the end it was me or him and I shut him in the garden and locked the back door. My oh was in a grump and my back went (retribution for shoving ds outside I s'pose). Today I am pondering what to do. The mountains of housework which I detest, or take my books back to the library as I no-longer have an essay to write. Feel lost. Not used to having time to do things. Now I don't know what to do. Don't think this is going to help my son after all. Certainly isn't helping me!

My weekend was okay, did lots of boring housework, so not much to do today either and we tried to go to uni but the train got cancelled so we came back. i really want to leave but then I worry I will just end up bored and not helping ds anyway. I want to do my dissertation another year when we are set up with childcare and Lewis is happier and he can go out to play, bu t even my dH says we wont have any money if I quit now as we are depending on the loans and hardship fund at the moment as dh is on same degree also in 4th year in same classes. If I could take six months out right now I would though. Try and enjoy it and get some peace and quiet sounds good, and no guilt about essays - lovely, as I shoudl really be reading journals and stuff for course at the moment, but cant face it yet.

I get times like that with my ds also and I have to ask him to stay in his room or away from me for a little while as we making each other worse when he is grumpy and nothing cheers him up it can be hard, sometimes I get weekend like that too, and the October break is coming next week where I live, for 2 weeks off school so uni is pretty much impossible with no childcare and ds being so grumpy at home time and hard to deal with becase of school. I envy your six months off make the most of it - go shopping , get your hair done, eat things lol

Got another full sheet of A4 homework like the last one on Monday, plus his spellings. Ds tells me if kids don't finish the homework set by the SENCO they have to stay in at breaktime. Can feel blood boiling thinking about it. I know she is there to help but does she ever think there might be reasons why it is not done? It's like punishing them for having a problem.
Hasn't applied to ds yet but last night he was so miserable and tired after having his session with her that I refused to let him do his homework and tickled him to death instead. Long time since heard him laugh so much. Not sure what is going on with reading now either. Seems to be on books which are really basic. He doesn't find reading easy and is probably a bit behind for his age but these are way below what he was reading b4 when he wasn't getting "help"...???
Does just drilling spellings and treating you like an idot help with dysleixa then, or have I missed something?
HIs class teacher seems to have a better idea and takes the time to write things down for him, or to explain them again..
Jennylee, hope you get things sorted out. My course was only three years. Am eating - like you suggest - but all wrong stuff LOL. Hope the break works out. Childcare is a nightmare, I know. I hated trying to sort shifts out, as never seemed to be quick enough to get the earlies I wanted. Can't send my ds to his room when having a tantrum - shares with big brother and has big problem with being on his own.

It sounds like your senco is not thinking about the amount of work he has to do and why it is not getting it all done, she needs to know he gets very tired and should not be punished for not having it all done, it is too much pressure for him it sounds to me and he might become sick of all the hard work all the time and not seeming to get anywhere you definately need to talk to her about this. my ds misses out on the 'golden' times when they get to play if they have finished all their work and that p*sses me off too, is like being punished for having difficulties I agree. I really want to leave uni I just have to get my parents to see it from my point of view and my dh also, I mean I intend to finish eventually but is too much at the moment.I wont do very well the way things are going at the moment and this is the degree classification year. lol eating the wrong things is tasty!!

lovely that you and your son had some fun together instead of homework

I have made a decision and my parents and dh wont like ir but ds comes first, and I am going to suspend my degree at the moment.

I've not read all of this.With my eldest dyslexic son (he's 21 now)I used to find it impossible to do homework in the evenings. He was simply too tired after a day at school.
Our primary is only 5 mins walk away so it suited us to do 30/40 mins of homework before school. This left the evenings free for out of school activities that went a long way to build up his self-esteem (sp?). My son was very keen on all sports especially swimming & cricket .....It needn't be sport but just find something they're good at.
The first Ed Pysch I saw with DS warned me to avoid music as a hobby for a dyslexic child as anyone who struggles to read words will also struggle with music. I have found this is not necessarily so DSs 3&4 who are also dyslexic love music and have both learnt to play instruments.
All of my dyslexic boys have learnt to read well enough to cope at secondary school but there is no denying that it was a hard slog! All 3 are still very poor spellers...The hours I've sat with them watching them struggle with different spelling programs .