Twins in the same class or separate?

[ZenGardener]

I am not in the UK so this is a bit different.

I have twin boys that are about to enter their last year of pre-school. One is suspected to be on the autistic spectrum the other is NT.

They have always been in the same class together but their teacher told me that they are splitting up the two middle classes and mixing them so they can widen their social circle before starting primary school. They will be placed in different classes for their last year of pre-school.

The NT twin is happy because he will go in a class with his two best friends. My other twin is upset. His two best friends left at the end of the year and he wants to go in the same class as his brother. However his brother does not want to be separated from his friends.

The classes have already been announced but when I found out the other set of twins were not being separated I complained that it wasn't fair and we should have been asked.

They have said that if we want them to go into the same class then it may be possible but they will have to work on the class balance. In this case there is a possibility that they will both end up in the class without friends. This will upset the NT twin as he is looking forward to being with his friends.

I don't know what to do for the best. My son gets very stressed and upset about change and the start of a new term or new year is always very hard on him. Last year he spent a lot of time crying and staring out the window. On the other hand there is a very real possibility they will be separated in primary school so maybe it is better to get them used to being apart. There is also a very real possibility we might move at the end of next year.

We also have a lot of class activities such as open days which means I will be running back and forth between the classes while the other twin mum can sit back and relax. This riles me a bit.

I just don't know what to do for the best. They are 5 by the way. They turn 6 in a few months.

It seems unfair that the two sets of twins are being treated differently. I wonder if the other parents stated a preference and did not wait to be consulted?

I think this is difficult though. Generally my friends with twins have wanted them in separate classes where possible. This is mainly so that they make friends and are seen as individuals, not "the twins". One of your DSs has obviously found his feet with friends and is exercising his individualism in this way. Your other DS has not had the best of luck with friends leaving, however, I would persevere with the separate classes and start inviting possible friends round to tea. At 5 friendships are loose and not fully formed anyway. Children do come and go from schools so maybe there will be new children to be friends with. Also, if you move, he will have to cope with that upheaval so it is maybe the time to get used to changes because even more change could be on the way. I think it will not be fair for the other twin to lose his friends too because he will resent his brother and it also reinforces one twin's dependency upon the other. Do you want this?

Thank you for the reply.

No, I really don't want DS1 to be put at a disadvantage at all. But on the other hand it would really suck if DS1 has a great year with his friends and DS2 is miserable and lonely all year wondering why DS1 got put with his friends but he wasn't.

But it is hard because there is no way to know for certain how it will pan out. He might be alright but he might not. It seems strange that they will put friends together but not twins.

I suspect the other mum was consulted but perhaps the school decided that DS2 would be better separated so decided they knew best. I'm just not so sure they are right. They don't seem to really understand DS2's anxiety and how to cope well with it. Last term he kept asking about DS1 and they kept telling him off for asking rather than just distracting him which I find works better. If they are separated I will have to discuss this with the new teacher.

is DS2 friends with the same children as DS1? in which case he is being separated from his friends and that is unfair. If not then I think this might give him the chance to become a bit more independent. You are in a very difficult position as naturally you want them both to have a positive year but perhaps the school were concerned that DS1 would be relied on too heavily by DS2? If they are separated then they can truly see the extent of DS2's problems and help him work through things whereas if the boys were together some of his problems could be masked.