problems with 5yr old's behaviour

[TMNTmum]

Hi all
I apologise in advance for the lengthy post- I'll try to add as much info as possible.
Not sure if this is the right place- I posted this on "Behaviour" and was told to try here. Apologies in advance if this isn't the right place.

my 5yr old DS started reception this September. He went to a private nursery before that- full time. Both me and DH work full time (I'm currently on mat leave). During the past year, many changes have happened in our lives- I gave birth 7 months ago, we moved to a new apartment (we used to live in a house with stairs which he apparently liked very much- did that to get closer to catchment area for the school), sold our old car (which he liked a lot), and our beloved 14yr old dog died in April.
All in all, it has been a seriously eventful year for him.
the problem is, he is very sensitive and doesn't respond well to changes.
Every time there is a major change in our lives (even going on holiday!) it drives him, for lack of better word, bonkers for a good week or two.

My problem is- he really hasn't adapted to school yet. All of his peers have gotten on with the school year- they started letters etc, and he flat out refuses to participate. Even in carpet time, when the teacher reads them a story or something- he will leave the group and sit by himself, as though asking for attention (which I'm sure is a part of it all).
We went away on a holiday during half term to visit our family abroad (we moved to the UK when he was a month old), and since we've been back it has been an absolute nightmare- he is cheeky and rude, will not listen, constantly misbehave, do everything he can to interrupt us, and the good ol' temper tantrums are back- with gusto. He will literally rip the house down, and they can go on for a good 1.5hrs, and there is literally no stopping him when they happen. He'll hit, spit, try to bite us (!!), scream and run around, with the inevitable "I hate you" "you're not my mummy" and so on. he's had 2 temper tantrums in school- he hit one of the teachers and wrecked the head teacher's office once. He also started wetting the bed again- not all the time but it has happened quite a few times since school started (he's been potty trained at 3 with almost zero accidents since).

We are very strict with him with regards to discipline on a daily basis, and he is usually the sweetest, gentlest, most polite and caring boy. He will never say bad words to us and always treat everyone around him with the utmost respect and caring possible. He is as clever as hell, has a ridiculously amazing memory, emphatic and funny- but since he started school I'm literally lost- and hardly recognise him.

We have no idea where to start approaching this. School SEN person says "She's not worried, all kids go through that phase" and "He doesn't need special consulting of any sorts" (when I asked her if I could have a chat with the school's psychologist). I'm not a professional, but I know my child- and it's not like him to behave like that. I'd say he's in clear distress to me and so lashes out, and I'm truly at a loss here- what do I do? Is there a way to see a child/developmental psychologist on the NHS? will he be "marked" for life because of this on their record? Are there private facilities of psychologists? Or should we try something completely different?? sorry for daft questions, but as I said we're foreign so have little, if any, idea as to how things work here.

Please share your wisdom with me. Huge thanks in advance.

ps
I have thought of an option of him being hypersensitive, but he has no problem with textures, noises etc as far as I know.

You can get a GP referral to a paediatrician but this could take many months. You can also self refer to a Private Educational Psychologist but this can be expensive £300-£500.
An EdPsych would do a raft of tests and a school observation and would be able to tell you if there was an underlying cognitive difficulty to his frustrations or if in fact he was a gifted child who was acting out in frustration. This report would then inform the school in ways to help/support him. You can find a local Ed Psych here www.achippp.org.uk or ask the school, LEA for advice.
As a teacher the behaviours you mention would concern me and I would be meeting with you to discuss strategies.
I am surprised that the lack of participation and his withdrawal from group time is not a cause for concern for the school. Not 'all' children go through biting, spitting and raging tempers at 5yrs old!
Maybe you need to revert to the old toddler taming/supernanny strategies for behaviour? e.g. naughty step, timeout, star chart, ignoring tantrums etc
Another thought I had was Sensory Processing disorder? Google it and see what you think. This can be linked to other conditions or can stand alone as a difficulty.
Hope this helps

it could be he is very bright and oversensitive as a result of that (dabrowski's overexcitabilities?) and that the sheer number of major changes in his little life this last year has just been far too many for him to deal with. One he could have handled, two possibly ok, new baby as well which is therefore ongoingly taking up your time is probably just too much.

He quite probably is looking for attention like you say because he feels he has left home during the day and been replaced by his new sibling. When you were away visiting family he probably felt he was being noticed by people, or perhaps if they were fussing over the baby then he felt he had his time with you back.

My 2 are very close in age (not planned) and I think we were lucky not to have huge issues when the youngest was born but they are jealous of each other at times and it can cause problems.

Is there any way you could try to spend 15 minutes a day just playing with just him? it might help him feel more secure. Also remember that whilst he can't communicate what he is feeling he can understand reassurance from you. drawing pictures and facial expressions might help him tell you how he is feeling.

I agree I think the school should be a bit more keen to help. I don't think he needs officially assessing as such because it sounds like his behaviour could simply be just normal child dealing with everything going on but given their experience they should be able to offer advice.

As you have a second child you presumably can see your health visitor so I would ask them for advice too, I had an excellent HV (I was very lucky) and I expect they see this sort of thing very often.

good luck - I have one VERY oversensitive daughter under assessment at the moment for possible ASD so I do understand.

Umm, I'm reluctant to say this but is there any scope for you to reduce your hours to spend a bit more time with him? I'm not saying give up work but could you be around to pick up or drop off 1 or 2 days per week (or your DH)? If you feel that at the heart of his is his need for more attention, then maybe you could juggle some stuff to achieve this? Appreciate this may not be easy or possible though.

It is hard with a baby, when my ds2 was this age then my DH did a lot of the looking after of DS1 (though he was only 2)... It does get easier though. As your DS is older can you give him some responsibilities with the baby...fetching nappies or similar easy jobs?

Agree that school should be doing more, the disengagement at carpet time would worry me...worth speaking to them again?