Questions to ask at parent's evening

[Sops]

I have a number of concerns about ds (4.11) especially his social and emotional development.
Having looked into it I think he may have some sort of ASD issue. He has a lot of characteristics which could suggest ADHD or PDA or dyspraxia, but I really don't know.
I thought that school would really 'knock him into shape' a bit as far as his behaviour goes but I feel he's possibly falling behind his peers more and more.
Is there anything particular I should be asking about at parents evening which might enlighten me?

Poor little chap, not yet 5 and you are worried the school is not 'knocking him into shape?' sounds like you need to look at your own parenting skills before trying to negatively label your son.

He is so young, he should be encouraged to play and learn that way with a sense of humour. Learning should be fun for him, how much of the contact time you have with him is spent getting cross/angry with him?

Try and find ways where you don't make each other angry and frustrated. Try and see the world in his eyes, is he ever given positive feedback and encouragement?

Does he gets lots of rewards if he does something well or do you focus on the negative?

Actively change the way you relate to him and ask the school for suggestions on how you can best help him at parents' meetings (or before, preferably).

It's in your son's best interests for you (and your partner) to question yourselves and your parenting style first however hard that may be.

What can you do to improve it and help him? Good luck.

Thanks for your comments, I guess I should have put a lot more detail in the original post.

He has lots of problems with anger management, mood swings, not following instructions and is very immature both socially and emotionally.

He was a very manageable baby and young toddler who then changed into a child who will hardly ever comply with instructions and has developed many, many techniques to avoid doing so. If pressed though he will go into complete meltdown and no amount of reasoning, bargaining, time-outs or anything else are effective.

Reward charts have been used at home, nursery school and in reception but tend to backfire and actually exacerbate bad behaviour as if he is trying to punish us for manipulating him.

He also really struggles when interacting with other children and often lashes out.

I know he is still very young, but this behaviour has been exhibiting itself for a good two years and as yet shows absolutely no sign of improvement as he gets older.

We have worked closely with nursery and school, I have read soooooo many books on behavioral techniques and implemented them, i think, as least as well as the next parent, but still to no effect.

The reason i thought school might 'knock him into shape' was because I thought it must be our lack of parenting skills (that both dh & I have strived to improve) that was at the root, and I was hoping the professionals would do a better job. Sadly, their attempts are meeting with the same amount of success as mine- ie. none!

The more I read about it the more I think he has some neurological issue at the root of all this.

What i really wanted to know was quite how to get the best support from school for him with these issues.

Is this your first contact with the school? I would not be waiting for parents evenings. Are they expressing concerns with his behaviour? If so ask them for advice, but also ask them what they are doing. Most importantly are they getting any outside help?

You need to start keeping a diary, recording questions you ask the school, and their responses. Especially things they say they will do, and dates for things to be reviewed.

Is your GP involved? I would suggest that you need to be referred to a Paediatrician, as well as whatever school is doing.

Finally there is an organisation called Parent Partnership for each LEA, (assuming you are in England), and I suggest you look up your local one and seek their advice.

Thanks mummytime, we had parent's evening last night and teacher was very open to our concerns and said that in light of it being such an ongoing problem and showing no signs of improvement over such a long period of time that she will set up a meeting with the school SENCO.

I am going to see our GP tomorrow.

It's a good idea to keep a diary cos so easy to forget what has been said and what people have commited to do.

I guess what I'm really asking for here is advice on how to proceed in the most effective way from all you experts who have traveled this route before me!

You're doing the right things. My DS is in reception but I'm a little further down the line than you are at the moment. My first port of call was the teacher. I had informal meetings every week to discuss DS and what he was happening. She said that I needed to shout loud to get the support for him. So I did.

Next was the school nurse who came out to our home, had a chat with me then referred DS to the community paed who bounced him to CAMHs.

At the same time I approached the GP regarding him soiling. (not sure if this is a problem you have).

Then I spoke to the Educational Psychologist (phone number will be on your local councils website).

And of course, asked for support/advice on this forum and read all I could about Autism/Aspergers/ADHD/Asynchonous development etc.

The school SENCO turns out to be the Headteacher. I have had a meeting with her (further down the line in my case) which also helped.

CAMHs have been great and we've had lots of tests/referrals from them. They also gave me strategies to help with DS eg give him warnings that you're going to school/out before you go at say 15 mins, 10 mins then 5 mins. This will help reduce his anxiety if he's expecting a change to occur.

The first technique I had was "kind hands". I used that phrase a lot at home as the teacher did at school to stop him lashing out. It did work but you need to work with his teacher.

My DS didn't respond to reward charts. Three weeks ago I introduced a competition with DS2(2), this is the third bout of stars and reward and he's still engaged. DS2 is too young to appreciate the competition so I rig it so DS1 always has around the number of stars that DS2 has. This also helps with discipline as the taking away of stars when he wants to win is a powerful motivator. It's a fine line though because if DS1 disengages he won't care how many stars he has.