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Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

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Original poster

Possible autistic child, divorce and work

14 replies

DiamondDoris · 18/01/2011 16:20

I don't know if this is the right section, anyway, I'm soon to be a single mother, moving out of marital home with some equity. I want to buy a small flat, but need a job, at least part time. My DD is diabetic and it has just been suggested by a pediatrician that my DS may be on the autism spectrum (high-functioning). My life at the moment seems to be rounds of doctors', pediatricians', nurses', senco visits - but I need to work to provide a decent roof over their heads. DD is 7 and DS is 4 (they're both at a good primary school). My question is, is it easy to work? I don't want to end up on benefits.

OP posts:

NotRocketSurgery · 18/01/2011 17:44

you might find more people with experience to comment in the special needs children

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs discussion

I am afraid i don't have relevant personal experience in that I have an arrangement where there is a huge amount of flexibility on both sides (I will drop everything and jump to it if work needs me at short notice - and they allow me to drop everything and run when something comes up at school) - but I am lucky that I CAN jump when they say "jump" because I have a partner who can hold the fort.

I guess it depends how settled at school your kids are - my asd ds has his "moments" it has to be said....

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 18/01/2011 17:55

Thanks NotRocketSurgery - I'll have a look at that.

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brownwood · 19/01/2011 21:16

I'm a single mum with a 10 yo on the spectrum. I had to quit work as it was impossible to manage a job with all the appointments, plus my DS has behavioural issues too so I would get called to collect him from school regularly. For a period he had to be home ed so I had to be at home with him all the time.

Then I had to appeal to get him a suitable placement - visiting schools, attending meetings and dealing with reams of reports, undertaking therapies and paperwork was a full-time occupation tbh.

I didn't want to end up on benefits either but if I'd stayed at work, DS would have been suffering in the same placement or would have been sent somewhere completely inappropriate. So it was worth the drop in income to be able to secure him the provision he needs.

He is a bit more settled now (staying at school full days) but the LA have refused to provide transport and the school is quite a distance away, so once I've done the school run, it's not realistic to be able to find a job that fits in with the few hours left. I use the time that he's at school to do errands and shopping, which I can't do with him because he can't cope with the crowds. And there are ongoing meetings and appointments. No suitable childcare for his age group and his needs, due to his aggressive behaviour.

We have a council flat, so the rent is covered by our benefits. It might not be what some would consider as a 'decent' roof over our heads, but I care less about having a nice house and more about ensuring that DS gets the right education and person caring for him. At the moment I'm the only one who can do that job.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 22/01/2011 14:58

Thanks for your advice Brownwood. I need to find out from my son's mainstream school if his autism can be accommodated and he won't be excluded. I'm not on benefits and will be getting some equity from the house when I get divorced, I can't afford to rent privately and a small mortgage will be possible - but I feel I'll need a job to manage it.

OP posts:

wendihouse22 · 24/01/2011 21:39

Firstly, no one wants to be on benefits. I'd been a nursing sister and in the profession for 22 yrs but, when my exH left (3 weeks after son dx of autism, aged 4yrs) I kept the shifts going for some 8 months. It nearly killed me.

I had no family in the area and no friends of the sort who would take on my then very troubled 4 yr old.

I struggled to cope financially and emotionally and yes, I was supported by the State for almost 3 years.

My point is, you have to get yourself sorted for your kids and if you need some state help til you're on your feet, so be it.

I'm back on my feet now.

I wish you well.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 24/01/2011 23:41

I understand, there's absolutely nothing wrong with benefits - I won't get them with x amount of equity in the bank, but neither do I want to see that equity disappear into a private landlord's pockets (and we're talking about £850 per month where I live), and on top of that moving on every 6 months or so when landlord wants to sell. All I want is a small mortgage to buy a small flat for me and my kids - that's the stability they need and to stay in the area too. And for all that and that alone, I need a job, at least a part-time one. My son is yet to be dxd but the school are already being very helpful, so I'm hopeful.

OP posts:

wendihouse22 · 25/01/2011 09:13

Did you get the majority of the properties' equity?

It seems strange that you sold your house and will now struggle to put a roof over your kids head.

My divorce settlement meant that I stayed in the former marital home until my son leaves full time education. When I sold up, I could have held on to the entire amount to go forward and provide a home for my son...... I did not need to by this time, as have remarried but.....rather than have that dilemma, it was written in (with special reference to his disability) and there was nothing my exH could have done about it.

I wasn't prepared to have me and my son go through the instability of renting and my solicitor agreed this was unreasonable and sorted it.

wendihouse22 · 25/01/2011 09:15

Please understand, I'm not criticising you merely concerned that you have not had all you might have (at least until your kids are left home!)

Good luck to you.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 25/01/2011 11:23

@wendihouse22

I'm 44 - when the kids have left home, I'll be in my 60s. I hope to work from home anyway, which is the best option in my situation - that way I can be there for my ds. All I'm saying is that life would be/will be better if we have our own home with small mortgage, rather than moving on every few months and paying a fortune in rent, which would leave us penniless in the long run - after all, it's my soon to be ex h who is keeping the marital home - maybe I need to check all this with my solicitor - she doesn't know my ds is possibly asd. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 25/01/2011 12:16

@wendihouse22 - I just saw your other message - several months before ds was thought of having asd, h and I agreed to divorce, we went to family mediation, and I got a solicitor. Home life was (and still is dreadful) so I wanted out asap for my sanity and the kids'. He had paid all the mortgage and wouldn't contemplate either passing mortgage to me (and letting us stay in marital home) or selling property. In the end, it was agreed during fam. med. that he remortgages his beloved house and give me a largish chunk of equity (about 25-30%), obviously solicitor isn't quite happy with this arrangement. I am now rethinking it all before documents are drawn up - if it is the case I'll have problems getting a mortgage of my own, maybe I should stay in the marital home with kids. I origianlly agreed to the other stuff because I just wanted out and didn't want the divorce to drag (it already has) and is affecting my mental health and probably that of the kids.

OP posts:

wendihouse22 · 25/01/2011 17:52

Yes Diamond....I'd see your solicitor again before all is signed sealed and final.

All I can give is an account my own experience and despite my exH's need for money "to move on" this was not deemed a good enough reason to put me and my son out of our home.

I have to say, my exH did not pay any mortgage after he left (rightly) but, had I not been able to manage, he would have had to. That too was "written in" by my solicitor, too. I did qualify for some housing benefit which sounds ridiculous with the mortgage but again it helped. I was a single parent and I had a child who was disabled.

Please look at it all carefully.

wendihouse22 · 25/01/2011 17:52

Our mortgage was in joint names. Don't know if that makes a difference.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 25/01/2011 20:34

@wendihouse22
Thanks for replying. Yes mortgage was/is in joint names, but he's having it removed. It's sounds awfully harsh, but I never wanted to live in this big old house anyway and is one reason for the divorce. It's on 3 levels and very difficult to look after my soon when I'm constantly running up and down stairs - a small flat would be ideal, really. Spoke to ds's teacher today and had encouraging news (if you can call it that) there are plenty of kids in ds's school who are asd - so the school are well prepared and educated in it. I think I'll still mention asd to the solicitor though. Thanks again for your help/advice.

OP posts:

wendihouse22 · 26/01/2011 10:07

You're welcome.

It seems ridiculous to me that you and your kids are effectively to be homeless. What if your son's condition worsens? What if you cannot get sufficient mortgage to buy that flat? You don't like the big house? My divorce provision would have allowed me to sell it, use the FULL equity to buy something more suitable and then, at a later time in the future, my husband would have got his cut. When I my son was of an age where I did not have to put a roof over his head.

Please see your solicitor again. Don't have your name removed from the deeds to this property until you have sought legal advice. May I even suggest, a second legal opinion?

My son was dx autistic at age 4. He's high functioning. Good communication and very arty. Reads well.....hopeless with numbers but then, so am I! Now aged 10, his condition has taken on a new and more worrying form. He's developed OCD/Tourettes. Apparently, very common in high functioning autism. What I NEVER had to worry about (and I have enough to worry about) was "can I provide a safe and comfortable home for this boy/young man?"

My husband fought it. Of course he did. He wanted his cash from the house but, HE COULDN'T HAVE IT till I said so and I didn't want to add homelessness/renting to my son's difficulties.

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