should I be worried?

[gettingworried]

Have been worried about ds on and off for about 6 months. He is 5, very intelligent, really affectionate, can interact socially and enjoys company. However he has severe temper tantrums and has often tried to scratch and hit me. We do time out and most of the time he is a lovely, charming little boy. He started school this week and the head phoned me today to tell me that he had been asked repeatedly to do something by the teacher but kept refusing. She said he then had a temper tantrum and scratched and kicked the teacher. She said such behaviour was normally grounds for exclusion (he's been at school 3 days)but that they would work with him and do star charts. Am gutted.

I feel as if maybe his behaviour isn't 'normal' and I'm not sure where or what next. Help!

What was it that he had been asked to do? Is there a pattern or type of incident preceding his tantrums?

Is he on School Action? I would ask for a meeting with the SENCO to ask what other measures they can put into place with him. There's a good draft letter in this ACE booklet.

DS has behavioural difficulties at school (which turned out to be related to his ASD). They referred him to behaviour support so that a worker came in to support/analyse his behaviour in class - there should be something similar in your county.

You should also speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a paed or CAMHS who will be able to assess whether there is an underlying issue. The waiting lists are long so it's worth getting a referral now.

Also, come and have a chat on the SN board, there's much more traffic over there.

Thanks for your response. He sometimes has difficulty obeying orders (like any other kid I suppose) but he seems to miss a stage between being able to express his feelings and responding with anger. Pre-school didn't have any particular concerns-I think he lost his temper on one day in a year and was so badly behaved it was mentioned to me.

He is very stressed I think about going to school. I feel angry that although his scratching, kicking response was out of line and clearly unacceptable, that the head teacher has mentioned exclusion after only 3 days in school.

I suppose I will have to take it one day at a time as I try to get him settled. We have a reward system in place which worked during the holidays (although his behaviour did deteriorate at the start of the holidays so he is clearly not good with change.

I would be worried about any school which is threatening to exclude a 5 year old after 3 days. It doesn't sound as though they really have any idea how to deal with challenging children. I might well ask the GP for a referral to a paediatrician, first in case you do think there is an underlying issue, second because this should stall the school. (If you were in England, I would be suggesting you mention the Disability Discrimination Act to them, but I'm not sure if it covers Scotland.)

I would try to work with him on coping strategies. But personally I would also be thinking hard about if there is an alternative school.

Good luck.

i think theres beena massive over reaction here on both sides.

I think your child has just had a major issue adjusting to school and clearly his behaviour is unacceptable....you will need to reinforce the rules of school, and support them in what they are trying to do.

The head is correct - it is grounds for exclusion, but I dont think she is threatening that - I think she is letting you know that this behaviour is not OK, and that you will need to step up and support the school. a shot across the bow if you like. Its amzing how many little princes there are and mummies who refuse to deal with the issues at home, and they carry on at school.

The hitting thing - thats down to you im afraid. If you allow him to hit you, he will think its OK to hit adults. You have to be really firm with him and really have zero tolerance. Get down on his level, tell him you will NOT hit me, and set a suitable punishment each and every time - eg, send to his room, half hour off bedtime, no TV for the rest of the afternoon, no WII games, no pudding after tea, no bedtime story, no pocket money - experiment to find out which is worth most to him.

Id also say that children are great mimics, and that the teacher is trying to nip this behaviour in the bud. We had a class in reception with 5 wild children.....a total nightmare for the other kids who were frightened to go to school because of the wild hitting spitting, biting, swearing and violent children.

Shongololo regarding the disciplining I already do the things you suggest so I am not a 'mummy who is refusing to deal with the issues at home' as you put it.
I agree that he had an issue with starting school.
Regarding the head teacher-whilst she is well within reason to suggest that such behaviour has grounds for exclusion I think it was inappropriate to be even mentioning this when he had only been in school for 3 days. She does not have a reputation for good social skills nor for tolerance of any child who may have be challenging or have special needs. Whilst I agree that such behaviour is not on I think she was out of line for mentioning exclusion.
So whilst I will remain worried if my son's behaviour does not settle I will also now worry that the head teacher will not be easy to work with

getting worried,

I think you are absolutely not dealing with it at home if you are already questioning whether your child needs a special needs lable on day 3!

you said: However he has severe temper tantrums and has often tried to scratch and hit me - so you are not dealing with it effectively! Take a good hard look at how you handle this at home, both you and your partner, because while you can sit and be hit and scratched while at home, and your childcan refuse to do things, he is in school now and the teacher has 29 other anxious kids to deal with. She doesnt have to put up with it.

YOU have to take the initiative to tackle the problem now, instead of getting all harumph! and taking umbridge that the head teacher has mentioned it -you are effectively excusing his poor behaviour, behaviour he has learned at home. Hitting a person in authority, stubborn refusal to comply....all this points IMHO to ineffective parenting on your part, rather than "special needs"

Exhaust every possibility with behaviour management before you start down the route of "He's not normal".

Shongololo - you come across as very harsh.

My concern in this story is that your son is behaving like this at school. Lots of kids can be agressive, especially about years old; but usually just at home. Normally it is just a developmental phase and over tiredness.

Yes you probably do need to adjust some of your behaviours and parenting strategies. But I am very worried about a school mentioning exclusion of a child who has been there 3 days. They should be putting a whole range of strategies in place, and setting up support and help for the parents.

I have known children have all kinds of behavioural issues when they start school, but be lovely well developed children who go off to highly selective schools by the time they are 11. It does however need the school, teachers and parents all to work together; possibly involving outside bodies as necessary.

mummytime, harsh maybe, but I hate how many children are labled so early on as having a problem - far easier to blame the child than turn and look in the mirror I feel.

Thankyou mummytime I have found your response helpful.