SILS and MILS guilt trip DH

[BrandySnaps1]

And DH cant see it. They guilt trip him. We live with MIL and SIL, if we go out they give us certain looks as to why we're going out without them!

Have brought it up to DH, he is slowly starting to see the emotional blackmail. He is the youngest and is such a mamas boy. He is starting to prioritise us more and I dont have a bad relationship with MIL. I have kept my mouth shut. But does kicking off and speaking up directly actually work for anyone? My other SIL always seems to kick off and she and BIL now live half way across the world because he knew they couldnt live with in laws.

hi OP. this comes with the territory being part of a south Asian family as you very well already know.

I mean I am assuming you knew your husband is close to him mum when you married him? did you agree to live with his family before marriage? if you did... then the only right thing to do (unless they are being awful to you which doesn't sound like they are) is to honour your word.

"kicking off" would be childish.... even if it works. I reccommend having an adult discussion with your husband about your long term plans. if he cares about your comfort, a compromise shouldn't be too difficult.

personally, I feel the model of living with inlaws common in our culture is ridiculous and would never agree to marry anyone who still lives with parents. however since you agreed to be in this situation, it's different. your husband (not you) does have to his family. maybe you could move nearby so he can still see them but have more privacy as a couple?

Oh OP I've been in a similar situation but the difference was that my MIL was quite obviously nasty to me. Your situation is complicated as your mil seems to be nice to you but you are having the common problem of living with Indian parents / in-laws who seem to be very dependent on their adult children hence the guilt tripping.
I think the problem is more your DH rather than mil/sil. It's totally fine for you to spend time with them but there needs to be a balance where you do your own thing too. This is what I would explain to DH.

Living together can work if you are nice to each other but it's so so important to have your own life and time and space away from them too.

Overall I do agree with pp that the model of living together is ridiculous. My advice above is based on moving out not being an option.

Completely agree. MIL is nice to me and does rely on all her adult children. She is quite elderly and has some health conditions, i would never tell DH to lose the attachemnt (it would never work) but our marriage has to be prioritised and even though it is getting better, i just am kicking myself that i didnt think about all the logistics sooner.

DH and me said we could stay a year, but then covid happened and we both lost our jobs, im now doing temp work and DH doesnt have savings. I do. I assume the house will go to him but i would just love to have our own place where i can decorate the kitchen and everything myself.

I hope we have kids and if I had a daughter i would never advise her to live with in laws. no matter how nice they are. Sometimes i wish MIL would be nasty so that we have a reason to leave!

I hope we have kids and if I had a daughter i would never advise her to live with in laws. no matter how nice they are. Sometimes i wish MIL would be nasty so that we have a reason to leave!

• *and what if you have a son? Just as you see a mother-son (your MIL and her , husband) have a caring, loving relationship and treat you well I'm sure you want the same when it's your time Don't wish for a nasty MIL, you will be one one too one day - and would you be nasty?!

OP I agree I would never advise my daughter to live with her in laws. It's not even about being nice or not nice, it's more about having your own space and freedom. Same goes for having a son. I wouldn't expect him and my DIL to live with me. I'd want a close relationship of course, and hopefully they would look out for me but I don't feel they need to live with me to do that.

I know exactly what you mean about wishing mil had been nasty to you. I know it's not meant literally. My mil was really nasty and that was our reason to not live together. Had she been nicer, we would be living together and I'd have no freedom at all (I say this based on the person she is...I know not all mils are like this).

Anyway...mil lives very close by to us and we still look out for her and have a much better relationship. In your shoes I would either focus on saving and getting back on your feet so you are able to move out to a place close by. Or if you really do have to stay there...I would talk to your husband about having a balance. Say you alternate weekends for example where one weekend you take out MIL and do something really nice as a family and then the other weekend just you and your husband have some couple time. That's not unreasonable at all. I have a cousin who lives with her mil and this is the sort of thing they do and they have such a great setup. She is very caring towards her mil but then carves out time for herself too.

OP you're allowed to change your mind. You tried living with your in-laws and it's not for you. It's okay - why don't you speak to your DH.
It's your life you don't owe explanations to all and sundry. It's between you and your DH.

She has a right to change her mind after seeing the impact his family have on their relationship.

Tp be honest, everyone human being has a right to change their mind when things dont work for them. It is the basic human right and people should not be gulit tripped for the decisions they make for greater family good with best intentions when things dont work out for other difficult family members, like in OP's case. Such insecure, manipulative behaviour by in laws leads to two things - either marriage of the son suffering / breaking part or son seeing self centredness in pwn family and distancing away.
Do what is best for you and your husband, dont stay prisoner to an agreement to live woth in laws done in good faith by you. Youngest sons usually play the price. Read about the mother enmeshment - youngest son is treated like a baby in the house but his personal boundaries are crossed over repeatedly, which results in marital dissatisfaction for the son. Because mother in this case, see son as someone to fill the emotional vaccum in her life due to husband not being available for whatever reason and sees daughter in law as a competition and does tey to create subtle but regular hindrances in the growth and development of son in this phase of his life.

@Redpaisley@Moonshine5 just wondering if you are south Asian? every South Asian person knows the level of enmeshment that exists in South Asian families. and this enmeshment is culturally normal and has its positives and negatives. some revel in it and some hate it. but no one is ignorant of it. so when deciding on a partner it is important to know where they stand in regards to their family. it's like marrying someone who is vegetarian and then asking them to eat meat!
I know people who are very close to their parents and would be heartbroken if asked to leave their family home or in any way distance themselves. if there are serious issues that is a different matter but in laws being a bit annoying is not one of them. I am not saying she shouldn't have a conversation with her DH to see what the options are eg. could they move out but live locally etc. but any decision they make should be mutual and handled carefully. because moving out can have much wider ramifications for the OP due to wider family dynamics. I am not saying I agree with the whole situation, but OP can definitely make things worse for herself. this is why I would never marry someone who was still living in family home or had any intention of ever living with parents.

I think that is an antiquated view overall; a person of any culture can be close with their family. It's absolutely a human right to change your mind - nothing to do with the Indian subcontinent. You change and grow throughout their life.

I know people who were meat eaters and after marriage became vegetarians, should their partner insist they stay as a meat eater?

OP was asking for guidance on how to handle her her in-laws guilt tripping, whilst your perspective is interesting OP does consider annoying in-laws to be an issue, whereas you don't.

@Moonshine5 I think you are getting the wrong end of the stick. I agree these are a antiquated views to interfere in the marriages of family members. and therefore I would never agree to marry into a family which holds such views. it may be difficult for non south asians to appreciate difference being the normal amount of being close to parents and South Asian family dynamics which are extremely co dependent (something i strongly dislike). and I am not advising OP to not move out, just be diplomatic in how she handles things as she might become the victim of a massive family (again for us this usually means at least 20/30 people) fallout that can affect her and her side of the family long term. also promises made before marriages (and elections) are important. to throw a tantrum because things didn't turn out how she likes is not the adult response.

finally, please note this is an area of mumsnet reserved for southasian users. so we can discuss things in the context of our culture without being lectured about how "antiquated" it is. I can criticise my culture all day long, but when people use these words against it, its racist not very pleasant.

Respectfully do not rearrange my words and go around making baseless allegations. I don't need to hide behind crossed out words.
I am well aware of who this board is for.
Why don't you read what the OP asked for??
Peace out.

perhaps if you don't recognise tongue in cheek comments, then you might find mumsnet will be an upsetting place for you.

I have read the OPs post, perhaps you would like to read it too? peace out 😉