Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
South Asian Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of South Asian Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Original poster

Fat shaming

14 replies

JustAMinutePleass · 07/01/2024 13:53

Just that really. I’m going to India soon and will be spending time with my husband’s family who constantly make comments about my size or the make digs about how DH and I share housework / childcare duties (bil’s wife told me last visit I’m fat because I should do all of it).

They criticise me a lot I feel - too much - but I don’t speak the language well enough to give it back to them. Even on phone calls my sil (bil’s wife) will never talk to me - not sure why. I have never done or said anything wrong to any of them and am always kind. But then DH will find out (through mil) that sil is making horrible comments about me & try to encourage me to reach out to her - yet when I do this she’ll ignore messages.

We have only gone to India twice in the past 10 years (including this trip) so I feel this behaviour is unwarranted. They also do the bare minimum when we’re there and make us feel so unwelcome (they come here more regularly and often spend months living with us on our expense while we usually stay in hotels, organise our own food / drink / entertainment and meet up with them during the day while paying for everything).

Does anyone have any strategies about how to ignore their digs? I’ve had such a tough enough time with my own toxic family this year that if I get any crap from DH’s I may end up losing the plot.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 07/01/2024 18:30

typical jealous behaviour. the only thing to do is point this out to your DH that they are taking advantage by abusing your hospitality while not doing even basics (really unacceptable in our culture to make ppl stay in hotels unless there are extenuating circs) and expecting you to pay for everything. typical attitude though as ppl think anyone living here must be rolling in it. only your dh can deal with that. and if they want to come, just have to make excuses (again your husband has to do that).

in terms of sil comments, I just wouldn't engage. she is obv jealous because she feels you have it "easier". there is probably also a lot of internalised misogyny at play. unfortunately the only solution is not to spend time with them but I suspect your husband may not be as keen on that idea?

Original poster
JustAMinutePleass · 08/01/2024 10:13

therealcookiemonster · 07/01/2024 18:30

typical jealous behaviour. the only thing to do is point this out to your DH that they are taking advantage by abusing your hospitality while not doing even basics (really unacceptable in our culture to make ppl stay in hotels unless there are extenuating circs) and expecting you to pay for everything. typical attitude though as ppl think anyone living here must be rolling in it. only your dh can deal with that. and if they want to come, just have to make excuses (again your husband has to do that).

in terms of sil comments, I just wouldn't engage. she is obv jealous because she feels you have it "easier". there is probably also a lot of internalised misogyny at play. unfortunately the only solution is not to spend time with them but I suspect your husband may not be as keen on that idea?

DH and bil are close so he wants to spend a lot of time with him. But by doing that I get left alone with sil and mil a lot and that’s when the comments start. This year we’ll have DS in the mix too which will just add to the comparisons as my DNs are quite rude.

I think I’ll have to come up with various excuses to avoid spending too much time with them.

OP posts:
Thestruggler · 12/01/2024 18:15

I agree with therealcookiemonster's comments. Do they live in a big city? If so could you navigate/get yourself and DC out for a bit of sightseeing. If they insist on coming too just be firm and say no- you have to fight on the same level as these people

Zanina · 27/01/2024 23:32

They're taking the absolute piss out of you. And probably jealous because you're married to the foreigner brother which is why they feel entitled to your hospitality and but don't want to give it to you in return. I'd point blank refuse to go next time. See how they're like this time and kick up a fuss about how you're being treated. And tell your husband you refuse to host them because of their behaviour. Hopefully this should make them sort their behaviour out. It's a piss take that you have to reach out to your sil when she's being a bitch behind your back, then she refuses to speak to you so you can't even confront her. In fact take this trip as an opportunity to ask her what the hell she is playing at.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/01/2024 23:38

Life's too short for all this, just tell DH they are not welcoming to you, last time you didn’t enjoy it and so you are not going to go. He can go hang out with his brother by himself. It doesn’t matter if it annoys everyone, if they can’t be nice to you they can’t expect you to play ball. Don’t let any of them push you around. Maybe they’ll be nicer in future, once they understand that you are not be bullied and taken advantage of.

VestPantsandSocks · 27/01/2024 23:44

Do you have to go?

LightDrizzle · 27/01/2024 23:45

Don’t go. He can go alone. Bunch of bastards!

I wouldn’t lift a finger when they visit either. Nothing.

Azandme · 27/01/2024 23:58

I'm huge, but my Indian inlaws have never commented.

If they did I wouldn't go - and I sure as hell wouldn't give them house room in our house.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 28/01/2024 10:28

Why on earth are you agreeing to go?! Tell him to go on his own and you can have some peace and quiet whilst he's gone!

Lalgarh · 04/03/2024 13:35

Does anyone have any strategies about how to ignore their digs? I’ve had such a tough enough time with my own toxic family this year that if I get any crap from DH’s I may end up losing the plot.

Personally I'd tell them to go f**k themselves but that probably explains why I'm single. Good luck!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/03/2024 13:41

It doesn't sound as if you're from the same cultures, OP? Well, his culture doesn't trump yours. Remember that.

What to do about it? Would your husband speak to them specifically about this, on your side? Would he put together some 'fuck off' phrase (but a bit more polite) that you can learn/say? Can you just not go?

I'm really sorry that you're having to put up with this, it's insidious and always, always against women.

Noicant · 04/03/2024 15:12

I was fat shamed by an older member of DH’s family, they were very publicly told to never ever speak like that to me ever again (Dh isn’t a smiler so can be a bit scary). Ultimately you can only blank them because the only person who can nip it in the bud is your DH here.

Personally I just wouldn’t go.

Noicant · 04/03/2024 15:20

Honestly the only Indian women who’ve said anything about DH pitching in are the ones married to men who do a lot less and it makes them feel bad. It’s easier to call me a lazy wife than admit they are married to a shit husband.

I don’t usually attribute much to jealousy but in my experience in this context it usually is (and resentment). Not only are you married to the brother who lives in the west you aren’t waiting on him hand and foot.

But your husband should be having a word, it’s his family.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page