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South Asian Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of South Asian Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME - sister’s wedding embarrassment

27 replies

Confusedandhurt9 · 02/12/2023 21:03

I am originally Indian. I am divorced. My sister is marrying her fiancée in India next year. I am dating a man for 3 years now and I invited his mother to the wedding. My sister invited her friend to my wedding and I didn’t care. She now isn’t talking to me and said that my bf’s mom can’t come because they don’t know her. My parents are paying for this wedding and my sister isn’t paying a penny, nor is her fiancée. I cannot uninvite my bf’s mother as that’s rude and I’m really not keen to shake our relationship like this. What do I do? I was thinking of scaring her away with stories of dengue fever instead and I know that sounds ridiculous. She’s old and may not want to take the risk. I can’t tell her the truth and actually I’m shocked my sister would be so cruel and weird. Her fiancée messaged me saying the mom can’t come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandhurt9 · 02/12/2023 21:09

I was told to come here for better advice.

OP posts:
MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister · 02/12/2023 21:11

Why on earth would you invite some random person to somebody elses wedding? I appreciate she's not random to you, but she is to your sister. You need to own this and tell your MIL

KnickerlessParsons · 02/12/2023 22:46

Having been to an Indian wedding, I doubt anyone would notice an extra guest.

LittleBrenda · 03/12/2023 14:16

TuxedoCatsRule · 02/12/2023 21:05

you already posted this here

Clearly she knows this. She's trying to get support from people who are Asian.

Are you South East Asian?

bungletru · 05/12/2023 04:18

No one will even notice she will be there

your sister is being unreasonable
but you also should’ve asked. I never invited my friends or bfs to my sisters/cousins weddings. Esp without asking. It’s rude tbh.

maybe tell your future mil that they’ve had to cut numbers and you’ll bring her some food from the wedding to make it up to her.

Noicant · 05/12/2023 04:33

I would sit your MIL down and be honest about it and just apologise profusely. If you sneak her in she will reasonably expect you to introduce her to the family and you can’t do that and hide her at the same time. It’s your sisters wedding and then last thing either of you need is upset over an uninvited guest. You made a mistake and you should have asked your sister first I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and just own up to your MIL.

Codlingmoths · 05/12/2023 04:40

This is a bit hard, is it because you might be introducing a new family member ie your mil to the family during your sisters day that is the difference in her mind compared to her inviting a friend?

DreamTheMoors · 05/12/2023 04:48

Why on earth would you invite anyone without asking your sister beforehand?

Poor, poor manners.

You’re at the find out portion of the program.

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 04:57

This board exists for South Asian mumsnetters. Please post respectfully if you are not south Asian.

For South Asians this should not be a problem. Perhaps your sister doesn't want you distracting from her big day though I can't see how that would happen at an Asian wedding. Maybe reassure your sister about this. Also asks your parents if it's okay as I'm sure they will have the over arching responsibility of the wedding. Of course don't go behind your sisters back but maybe they can reason with her.

It's not uncommon in south Asian weddings for guests to bring extras who are uninvited. South Asian culture is very welcoming and usually some guests bring extra friends. As you are the sister you have more authority to bring as many extras as you like. Just reassure her and see what happens next ...

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 05:00

Why would you invite someone to your sisters wedding without consulting with her first?

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 05:04

Also is it a big Indian wedding or a smaller intimate one? Is she having all the other days too?

... If it is a big Indian wedding she is being unreasonable. She will have around 10 days to herself. In Indian culture everyone who wants to be is invited is invited, that's just the norm.

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 05:04

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 04:57

This board exists for South Asian mumsnetters. Please post respectfully if you are not south Asian.

For South Asians this should not be a problem. Perhaps your sister doesn't want you distracting from her big day though I can't see how that would happen at an Asian wedding. Maybe reassure your sister about this. Also asks your parents if it's okay as I'm sure they will have the over arching responsibility of the wedding. Of course don't go behind your sisters back but maybe they can reason with her.

It's not uncommon in south Asian weddings for guests to bring extras who are uninvited. South Asian culture is very welcoming and usually some guests bring extra friends. As you are the sister you have more authority to bring as many extras as you like. Just reassure her and see what happens next ...

Being south asian and being the sister does not give anyone a free pass to invite anyone you like to a wedding that isnt yours.

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 05:06

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 05:00

Why would you invite someone to your sisters wedding without consulting with her first?

Because she is Indian and this is completely normal in this culture... ??? Honestly, I think it's quite clear from OP's post. She has posted in this section to receive advice from south Asian mumsnetters.

Indian culture is very welcoming.

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 05:10

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 05:04

Being south asian and being the sister does not give anyone a free pass to invite anyone you like to a wedding that isnt yours.

Show quote history

Have you never heard of cultural differences and differences of what is normal in different cultures. ??? ... I had HUGE party recently and there were 20 uninvited guests. It's just a normal thing that happens. When that person turns up you greet them and welcome them more than you do the other guests. You take extra extra care of them. That's how it works.

JC89 · 05/12/2023 05:18

Did you check with your parents? If you were married you would most likely be expected to bring your in-laws, is she being weird about it because you are not married or something? Assuming this is a typical big Indian wedding it does seem very odd to be making such a fuss about not knowing one wedding guest.

JamTartLover · 05/12/2023 06:42

Would you be able to arrange for your BF's mum to meet your family (including your sister) before the wedding? That way, they aren't meeting for the first time at the wedding (which could be quite awkward as weddings take a lot of energy to organise, particularly on the day).

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 09:14

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 05:06

Because she is Indian and this is completely normal in this culture... ??? Honestly, I think it's quite clear from OP's post. She has posted in this section to receive advice from south Asian mumsnetters.

Indian culture is very welcoming.

Show quote history

I know shes Indian and I know all about the culture but not all South Indians do things the same way.

Anyhow, the question remains why she didnt ask first. Its just basic courtesy.

Indian culture may be welcoming but its obvious her sister isnt welcoming the idea of this particular person to her wedding.

Its her sisters wedding and she should be able to say who she wants to join in the celebration.

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 09:22

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 05:10

Have you never heard of cultural differences and differences of what is normal in different cultures. ??? ... I had HUGE party recently and there were 20 uninvited guests. It's just a normal thing that happens. When that person turns up you greet them and welcome them more than you do the other guests. You take extra extra care of them. That's how it works.

Show quote history

I know all about culture and differences.
This is not an univited guest (yet).
This is a guest invited by OP.
Her sister doesnt want this person there. It's her wedding day and her opinion should be respected.

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 20:00

Anywherebuthere · 05/12/2023 09:22

I know all about culture and differences.
This is not an univited guest (yet).
This is a guest invited by OP.
Her sister doesnt want this person there. It's her wedding day and her opinion should be respected.

Show quote history

You clearly don't know about Indian culture because anyone from a South Asian background would get OP's perspective. The parents arrange and pay for the wedding in Indian culture, they are responsible for the guest list.

"Being south asian and being the sister does not give anyone a free pass to invite anyone you like to a wedding that isnt yours"

You sound as ridiculous as an Indian person saying:

"being white and having children does not give you a free pass to spend Christmas morning as a nuclear family."

OhShutIt · 05/12/2023 20:10

'I know all about culture and differences' is the big red flag here. Of course you don't! Nobody does.

Most people should just have the decency to shut up and understand when their lens might not be the only way to view a situation.

I'm not South Asian and whilst my culture with regards to weddings and parties is similar, there is a lot I'm learning here.

My opinion is not needed and my lack of cultural experience is not helpful.

OP, I hope you continue to get some valuable and creative suggestions.

Dengue fever did make me laugh though! Sorry.

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 20:25

Sorry OP for derailing the thread.

I think you should speak to your parents for advice and maybe suggest inviting her to one of the other many smaller days first? ... That way when the wedding comes, it's old news.

Redpaisley · 02/02/2024 21:54

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 05:06

Because she is Indian and this is completely normal in this culture... ??? Honestly, I think it's quite clear from OP's post. She has posted in this section to receive advice from south Asian mumsnetters.

Indian culture is very welcoming.

Show quote history

Indian culture is very welcoming. Until they see you beneath them like in case of OP because she is divorced, so one invite to Op's would be mother- in- law is met with a big no by both bride and bridegroom.

Op, you need to be honest to MIL rather than making excuses. Apologise to her. At the end of day, its your sister's wedding and she does not want your MIL even if your parents are paying and have no objection. At least now you know how your sister sees you.

Amy8 · 24/06/2024 01:29

KnickerlessParsons · 02/12/2023 22:46

Having been to an Indian wedding, I doubt anyone would notice an extra guest.

This isn't in spirit of support on these boards

McSpoot · 24/06/2024 01:35

MandyCandy · 05/12/2023 20:00

You clearly don't know about Indian culture because anyone from a South Asian background would get OP's perspective. The parents arrange and pay for the wedding in Indian culture, they are responsible for the guest list.

"Being south asian and being the sister does not give anyone a free pass to invite anyone you like to a wedding that isnt yours"

You sound as ridiculous as an Indian person saying:

"being white and having children does not give you a free pass to spend Christmas morning as a nuclear family."

Show quote history

I guess you need to tell the OP's sister (who, you know, has a South Asian background) that she clearly doesn't know anything about Indian culture because, as the OP stated, her sister is upset.

Also, the OP's parents didn't invite the OP's boyfriend's mom - the OP (who isn't paying) did.