How to stay at in laws house for 8 days

[icanlovemebetter]

I guess I was never over with it.

Last year there was a big tiff at SIL's house. Words were exchanged. I even said I'd never come back to her house as she stooped low to say things like don't use hand gestures while talking because I was making a fair point.

Things were heated, DH asked to leave in the middle of it so as a tradition and to calm things down I was touching her feet and she shooed me away. She'd never do that to her dog.

I apologised days later again. Nobody else in laws side did anything or even offer. I'm supposed to do as told. Anyway I left at that. I only see them a few days a year and act as if nothing has happened.

Also at family dinners. I am always "allowed" to be served last. She'd not let me take food on my plate unless everyone else has started eating.

After a lot of convincing by my DH we're visiting them for Diwali and stay there for a week.

I just cannot get over that mental image. Although on phone / FaceTime everything is fine. But I can't see how I'm going to spend a week with them. I can't back out now.

Need some strength and guidance.

* I can't back out now. *

Why not?

Please say you don’t have any children that witness their mother being treated like this?

You can back out. You touched her feet? What century are we in?

So to calm an argument down, its traditional to touch the other persons feet! Can you explain how that works? Is it a foot massage, clipping nails, cleaning their nails or something else? Is it supposed to be a submissive thing to show you were wrong? Do they wash their feet beforehand? Was this your SIL, MIL or FIL's feet you were touching? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just baffled what this action actually means.

@SM4713 it's a cultural thing in India that unfortunately, my in-laws practise too. I absolutely hate it and my MIL expects her feet to be touched, along with my SILs too. Abhorrent orthodox mindsets. Anyway, coming on to what OP has asked, can't you just say you won't tolerate getting treated like you're a nobody and in fact, demand an apology for their actions last year? Your DH should stand up for you and put his foot down. He should lay a condition that you won't go stay there unless they make up for their ill treatment towards you.

I don't know what you did wrong if you could explain that would be great. Also, totally agree with @RubySunset82 what century are we living in? My DH and I cut ties with one of our SILs after she treated me like crap.

Covid, you have covid and can’t risk the parents getting ill, so you must stay home.
Then rest with your feet up for a week.
Also insist DH takes any children so they don’t miss family time.

Yep, you're definitely coming down with something OP and need to stay home in your own bed

This is your husband's sister?

I'm all for fighting one's own battles but in this case I think your husband needs to have words.

He should expect his wife to be shown the respect he shows you. She needs to back off and behave herself, she is not 5.

Also no matter what you / her culture is anyone starting to eat before everyone is served is just bad manners, you are in 2023 in the UK.

If DH doesn't step up then yes develop covid, or just say you are not going where you are not welcome, on and have a happy Diwali

Why should there be a need to lie and make excuses? She should be upfront about deserving to be treated with respect. Her in-laws sounds just like mine, especially the SILs, I'm so disgusted.

Can't back out now as we're travelling to India after 4 years. Tickets are booked. Normally they come to the UK where we are. This is not a sudden or a surprise visit. My DH has done a lot of convincing (both parties).

I have a DS he's 2 and a half. He was 1 year old when this incident occurred so obviously doesn't remember anything. Maybe a core memory but who knows.

It happened at SIL's house (my DH's sister). Background is her son (5 years old) told my son (1 year old) not to step on their carpet. They don't let the dog on their carpet as it's apparently precious. They also don't allow anyone to eat or drink but I always thought that as a joke. I got furious because they've asked us to visit them and then they are making silly rules on where my DS can (barely walk/ crawl) . I escalated it to DH and he got annoyed as to why our DS won't be allowed to walk/ crawl freely (supervised at all times) then my MIL got angry at me as to why I can't do as I'm told and be quiet and making a fuss over nothing.

It quickly blew out of hand as above.

My DH has tried to severe his relation with his sister as I was treated poorly (and while words being exchanged they also threatened to call social services and to expel me from my job). DH now visits his nephews for their birthdays as he's invited. But that's it. He's told me he won't let go of his relationship with his nephews.

My DH after the incident spent half a day explaining them what the two sides of the story were. He told them in clear words that I will not be talked to like that. DH told me that his parents would obviously not apologise as they're older and orthodox and belong to generation where the in laws don't apologise (think they're in 1800/ 1900s era).
My DH has been very supportive and vocal to get me heard. There's only so much he can do. I've never visited his sister's house since then. Nobody has even mentioned it.

I posted on South Asian thread for a specific reason. For people who don't know the tradition, please read up about this tradition before making comments. That being said I'm not an orthodox traditional / religious person but I'm happy to oblige and make my DH and his family happy.

By touching feet and seeking blessings there's no harm done to me. Few months back when they came and I touched feet. It was okay and she blessed me. Like I said in my OP, the matters are fine and the incident has been put on the back.

My question is not about going there. It's more of a seeking strength and strategy to keep calm when staying in their home. When they visit I'm the one running the show, it's my fortress. I can easily stay upstairs if I'm not in mood and pretend to work or lie down or go for a bath. Over there there's always a lot to do. And oblige at every opportunity.

So just seeking strength. 😊

It's a simple Hindu tradition.

www.mydteaalumni.com/f/why-do-indians-touch-the-feet-of-elders-know-the-reason-and-significance-3286#:~:text=In%20India%2C%20touching%20the%20feet,probably%20since%20the%20Vedic%20period.

Can you just google a photo of a Covid test and say you can’t travel

Thanks for explaining @icanlovemebetter I understand your situation. Your SIL sounds exactly like mine, making a big issue out of nothing. I've seen it that kind of drama amongst my in-laws and have distanced myself. My husband stays away from the toxicity too but his mom tries to pull him towards them, and poison his ears against me. Typically Indian MILs and SILs so full of shit. I can totally emphatise with you, I will you all the strength and patience whilst you're there. Which city are you going to?

I’m about to stay 3 weeks in India with my toxic piece of shit sil. As we’re going doing Indian term time I managed to convince in laws that the best thing to do would be to stay at a nearby hotel otherwise DS will disturb DN who has exams. This will give us privacy for the early mornings / evenings at least as, like most people in India, in laws are late risers and late sleepers and tempers always get more frayed when they’re exhausted.

Do you still breastfeed? If so don’t wean before India. As breastfeeding is a good way of getting a time out when things become annoying.

@JustAMinutePleass I am not breastfeeding anymore. I do think I can opt out of a situation by focusing on his next meal / snack / clothes/ hygiene situation/ or "oh a missed call from my sister/ friend " and excuse for a couple of minutes.

I wish us both lots of luck, strength/ courage to face the next few weeks in peace and one piece. 😉