Weekday Birthday Stress

[BlueSelpress]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and work full time, I work 2 days in the office and 3 days at home.

Because I have the luxury to work from home my in laws things I've available at the drop of a hat. So long story short my bil bday is coming up and him and his new wife have decided to do it up north and my in laws expect me to go mid week to his bday party.

It's stressing me out and I'm losing sleep at the thought of driving up after work, sleeping at my sil and then working at her house doing a family cake cutting for a few hours and driving back. I honestly don't think it's fair and I think it would have been better for me and my husband to celebrate his bday when he's back home next weekend.

I feel forced and very pressured. If it was local then fair enough but it's 3 hours journey.

Can't you say you have a face to face meeting that day that's just been sent ?

I can't give them an excuse as it I told them it's going to be difficult for me to attend so they've made changes to the bday and now doing it at home.

I don't understand why an adult bday can't wait until the wedding. Most of the world works during the week but not my husbands family. They are free 24/7

@BlueSelpress, you should be able to say 'I'm unable to make it' without having to justify why you can't make it. Just say that you've been asked to go into the office that day.

I wish it was as easy as that.

I would have the whole family asking why I wasn't in the office and then I would have my husband looking at the car tracker as it's a day I don't usually go in.

My in-laws actually make me appreciate how easy life was at my parents house. Everyone worked and we would do stuff on the weekends and no one had to explain themselves. Here it's everyone in each others faces and constant explanations

@BlueSelpress - your husband tracks your car? Why would you allow that? Does he support you when his family expect things of you?

Your parents/family seem like nice people who know how to respect each others boundaries. Nobody in my house wants to socialise during the week, everyone is knackered from working, children, housework, cooking.

Just refuse. Say it’s too much for you and wish them well.

sounds like you make excuses to every suggestion. Time to set boundaries.

No he doesn't track the car in a controlling way. The car has its own app where you can check where the car is, how much petrol you got and just general health of the car etc but all I'm saying is it's easy to just go on to the car and check where the car is parked.

I've spoken to my husband about this whole going to an adult bday party week is ridiculous and he needs to remember being pregnant isn't easy. He said he understands but and thinks it's stupid and very selfish but we should do our bit and they can see how much we do and no one can say anything to us when we say no next time when we really won't be able to go.

As I said before, I wish it was easy as setting boundaries. I've done this for the past 6 years and I've been made to feel like I'm constantly making excuses.

I would use the baby as an excuse. Say your feeling extra tired/weak and unable to travel yourself. And make a plan to go on the weekend when your husband is back

Can you swap the day your work from the office, ie go in the day of the party? I'm clutching at straws for you here, but I get it. I've seen the generational stress, keeping up with the in-laws has caused but it needs to stop somewhere. You have a child coming, don't let the child be subject to the same cultural norms that you are adhering to.

It's nice to do things with the in-laws, with family in general, but it has to be at a time that works for you, and if it doesn't, you have to get used to saying 'I'm sorry I can't, but I hope you all have a fabulous time'. Or to the husband 'you go to your family event, I don't want to come'.

My SIL doesn't attend anything she doesn't want to and I've been very strict about everyone not asking her why, my brother comes alone if he want to come - eventually people will get used to your husband coming alone and won't ask him where you are.

What exactly will your DH do if you just make it clear you will not be attending? Are you frightened of his reaction?

It's OK to assert your boundaries, my DH is attending a family function this week, miles away which will involve an overnight stay. I just have no interior of going (I don't need a 'reason' ... I am not pregnant or working ..in fact I am retired!) but I just made it clear, politely, that I will not be attending. If anyone is offended that is their problem.