My husband and I both work full time jobs. He earns around £2160 a month and I earn around £1850 a month after tax. We are currently renting a 1 bedroom property in London. Rent is £1156 a month. Before getting married we discussed finances and agreed to split the bills 50/50 as my husband also supports his parents backhome. His family currently live in Afghanistan and due to the current situation in the country are unable to work, therefore my husband has always sent money backhome to support them financially.
The first few months after marriage he gave me money to pay half the rent and the bills etc. However, shortly after he stopped giving half the money and only what he could “afford” to give.. some months £400 and other months £600. One time he only gave me £300! I made it clear that this was unacceptable because I simply cannot afford to pay electric, rent, council tax, water bill, Netflix, pay for all the shopping and phone bills etc if he is giving me less money. It is unfair and I struggle with anxiety and depression so these things really do stress me out and take a toll on my mental health. The months that I was short with money as he had not given me enough, I had to sell my designer trainers to cover costs of shopping and bills! I have not yet disclosed this to him and let it slide, I tried anything and everything to make ends meet.
I have never had an issue with my husband sending money back home as I do understand that his parents genuinely need his support given their current circumstances. He has brothers, but they are younger than him and unable to work . One of his brother’s is currently in Turkey and has claimed asylum. Not only is he sending money to his parents but now he is also sending money to his brother in Turkey! his brother is awaiting his visa so isn’t working in Turkey currently. Last month my husband gave me no money at all as he sent £6800 (all his salary and some money he borrowed from his manager and friends) to his brother in Turkey. His brother was involved in a car accident in Turkey and my husband sent this money so that his brother could get his operation done. I was stressed, as that month I paid for literally everything alone, nevertheless I understood it was important that his brother had the operation done and let it slide. He now needs to pay back his manager and his friends and we are already struggling financially! In the sense that we do not have any savings and we are renting when we should be saving a deposit to buy a home. We both still need to pass our driving tests. Driving lessons are super expensive also!
My husband usually gets paid first week of every month. This month he hasn’t given me any money so far! When I asked him if he had got his salary he said “no not yet” and that he will probably get paid less this month as he was sick with a cold and flu virus and missed a whole week of work. However, he sent his brother in Turkey £200 last week which he told me he “borrowed” from a friend. I made it clear that this isn’t on and it is totally unfair for me to pay every single thing again, for the second month in a row.
My husband gets paid cash in hand and isn’t entitled to sick pay as he is working in construction and it isn’t a “legal company” he works alongside illegal immigrants who have applied for asylum and are awaiting their visa applications. Therefore, his boss does not pay him on a fixed date every month and time that he takes off for appointments or if he is unwell, his boss does not pay him for any days off or holidays.
I understand his struggles and that he has a responsbility towards his family backhome. However, he also has a responsibility towards his wife! We currently have no kids but we are planning to conceive and It has now come to a point where I am thinking if he can’t even support his wife how the hell is he going to support his children! It has totally put me off trying to conceive as I do not want to further add to my stress.
I have tried to speak to him and make him understand on multiple ocassions that bills are increasing and this cannot be happening every month. I feel as though his priorities lie with his family and he doesn’t care as much about supporting me because he assumes I will ‘manage’.
I took out a small loan to help pay for his visa application when we got married. He promised to pay £250 a month towards the loan but failed to do so. I couldn’t keep up with the monthly repayments and now the loan has defaulted so my credit history/credit score is completely messed up. I also pay for his mobile phone bill, as we took out a sim only contract for 2 years and he did not have his visa at the time so he also did not have a bank account. He promised to pay me £20 a month towards his phone bill as it is a direct debit from my account, but just about manages to pay half the rent each month. I also pay for his gym membership which is £38.99 a month. I feel as though my husband earns enough money to support both myself and his family back home but only seems to care about his family! I don’t mind helping him out and supporting him but I feel like he is now taking advantage of my kindness/weakness.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but I feel as though I am responsible for everything financially. Living in London it is really tough! I need some advice, as I cannot deal with this any longer and it is making my depression worse :(