Husband doesn't do much around the house or help with child

[Nedd5678]

Me and my husband both work from home and I am expected to do everything around the house and also look after our toddler too. Before we got married his mum did everything for him so he feels after marriage it's the wife's job.

I am starting to struggle with balancing my job with my home workload. There is no obligation for me to work, our house is paid and my husband pays for all the bills. I work for my own wellbeing and to have my own financial independence. I pay for my own things, things I buy for the house and for our toddler.

I am getting very fed up with my husband, he spends his days working/playing playstation in his separate office. I am left to work downstairs and watch our toddler at the same time.

I have tried telling him that we need to split the day were he can work downstairs and I go up, that way we can both work and do our share of childcare. He isn't listening says if I can't manage I need to leave my job. I feel I can manage if he gives me the support I need.

I am feeling very down in this marriage and I don't know what to do.

Bump

I am really sorry to hear this OP, if you don’t get enough traffic here ask MN to move it to chat or the relationships board

He sounds like he has very traditional views about gender roles, OP. Did you know this when you married him?

Please don't give up your job or your financial independence - you may need it in the future.

Re looking after your toddler... don't you have childcare in place when you're both working? Regardless of whether you're wfh, you can't work and look after a toddler. Do you have family who could potentially help?

He does have very traditional views and I didn't know this before we got married. He seemed very understanding he has ADHD so I'm not sure if that's got anything to do with his behaviour. I am just really fed up and considering leaving.

I would never give up my job no matter what, I need security for me and my DC.

My husband's family spend a day with our DC but that's on a weekend. My family live abit far for me to drop DC off once a week.

Our jobs are flexible we can work any time we want, aslong as we work our contacted hours before pay day.

Could DH's family switch their day with dc to the week, or are they busy working themselves? Or could you shift one of your working days to the weekend while dc is being cared for?

I don't think the adhd is really a factor. I have adhd. It does make stuff like housework challenging but it doesn't interfere with thinking ability and he should be able to see how unfair your current set up is. Having adhd certainly doesn't make you a raging sexist, and it isn't an excuse.

Have you talked to him about how you feel, OP? If you have, and he so shows no willingness to make any changes, then I would be making plans to leave, personally. Saying that you need to leave your job isn't good enough... you don't want to leave.

Also was it an arranged marriage or a live marriage, OP? Could wider family help him to see sense or are they likely to back up and validate his dinosaur views?

Thank you for your response, it was a love marriage. We both met at work and have been married for 5 years.

His father has sat him down previously and tried explaining to him that he should help out. His mother on the other hand thinks it's the wife's job to do everything. She herself didn't let her husband do anything, I think she likes to be in control of everything.

Recently I have started to back away and let my husband do his own things. I've purchased myself an apartment that I was going to put on rent. I think I will just have to move in for a while and get a break because I am really unhappy and deserve better.

OK, so your MIL is clearly part of the problem. It's good that FIL is supportive.

It sounds like you have reached the end of your tether tbh. Is it worth telling your husband that you're at the point of walking out, in case that changes anything?

Ultimately, it isn't worth staying in a marriage that makes you so unhappy. I wish you good luck!

OP, was it an arranged marriage or a love marriage?

Also, has he ever lived outside the family home prior to marrying you?

Not to stereotype all South Asian men, but as as a Punjabi Sikh woman from west London I have literally never met one who has pulled their weight in marriage (hence me never marrying one). I include my own parents and wider extended family in that, as well as peers.

Depending on his background, I think he is very unlikely to change - how do you change a life time of never having the mental load for anything but your own needs?

Amazing that you have been able to buy your own place, I would be making plans to move out, potentially divorce and find someone more deserving of you.

Good luck.

"His father has sat him down previously and tried explaining to him that he should help out."

He doesn't need to help out. He needs to do his share of parenting.

I would stop doing stuff for him. Don't clean his clothes. Don't cook for him. Don't tidy his things. Tell him he either does his share or you're leaving because this isn't a partnership.

If that doesn't work, leave and file for divorce because it will never get better.

He needs to do his share of parenting AND work around the house, obviously. Forgot to add that.

Have you tried just leaving him to it? Like handing him the kid and saying you are going out to do the shopping or whatever? That way he has no choice and has to step up. The more you do it, the more he will learn! But I appreciate it's not easy to do that, especially if you don't trust his parenting.

Otherwise it's time for a frank discussion. He pulls his weight or you are leaving, decide what your terms are (like the most important things).