Mil is making life miserable!

[Mummytoofour]

I’ve had issues with mil on & off for 11 years now. We moved out after marriage because she made life so difficult for me to live, constantly arguing if things weren’t done her way, who we can & can’t talk to, where he can & can’t go! If we go out we should take her with us.
Anyway last year she chose to badmouth me behind my back to my SIL (DH cousin) saying stuff like they make me cook for them (she offers & we excepted) & body shaming me. This was the final straw and I cut ties with her for the past 7months. I also have refused for our kids to see her just because she will badmouth me to them etc.
Occasionally if DH is on the phone to her from home kids sometimes go on the phone to her, last night she decided to indirectly be negative again.
her comment to my DS was ‘you listen to daadi & dad ok’ & ‘ds (name) good, dd (name) good, dad good, daadi good. Basically purposely leaving my name out & also how she told him to listen to her & Dh. Dh picked up on it & shouted at her on the phone and she turned around & told him to F**k Off & hung up!
I don’t know if I can carry on in a relationship with DH anymore, this negative stuff causes us to always argue. I have so much hate for her that when Dh has to go & do something for her (she’s abit elderly - 63) that I get annoyed.
Dh believes she’s got a personality disorder and doesn’t know how to approach it, a lot of people in her family have said there is something mentally wrong with her.
where do I go from here? I’m very unhappy and do believe she is the root cause!
sorry for the long post

Basically purposely leaving my name out & also how she told him to listen to her & Dh. Dh picked up on it & shouted at her on the phone and she turned around & told him to Fk Off & hung up!

Your husband stood up for you and you're still arguing? Keep her out of your life and let your husband deal with his own relationship with her.

Look up the 'grey rock' method. Learn it, implement it.

How old is your MIL?

Accept this, she won't change and in her mind, culturally and generationally she is doing nothing wrong. The only control you have is how you do or don't react.

The key thing here for you is remembering that she is your DH's mum and it must be shitty for him being caught in the middle like this.

You don't want a relationship with her, don't. Your children are also 50% your DH's and you don't get to dictate whether they see his Mum or not. By stopping them you are actually using them in this drama.

Your DH and both of yours children should be able to see his side of the family. Have faith in your parenting that your children love you and they won't favour her over you.

I think at this point I’d go no contact with her. It’s been over a decade and she still can’t stop being horrible. I had the same with my mil, I lasted about 8 years before I cracked and stopped speaking to her. She tells everyone that it’s me being horrible and I’ve stopped her seeing the children. Funny thing is I left my home country after my family moved away one by one as I wanted my children to grow up near family, so I literally moved countries so we could be near mil and her family! She forgets all that though. There is also something mentally wrong with my mil. I had a bit of a grim and sick sort of satisfaction when she was sectioned a couple of years ago after completely losing the plot and doing something absolutely horrendous to her own daughter (who was her biggest advocate and gave me a lot of abuse because of the lies her mum told about me).

You've said she's 63, I missed that.

The fact that you have 'hate' for her and get annoyed when her son goes to help her isn't good at all.

I reiterate, you don't want a relationship, great, by stopping him from having one you're actually going to cause more friction in your marriage, he will resent you and by essentially making him choose, you're putting him in an impossible situation. Leave his relationship with her open and relaxed. Set your boundary, don't see her, but stop doing what you are. Trust me, this won't go well for your marriage.

Thank you for the replies. I’ve gone no contact & will carry as she’s never going to change, she’s always going to be a spiteful woman!
I don’t stop DH from having a relationship with her, I was just generally saying I have built up so much hate for her over the years and I don’t think that will ever change as shes always said she will change and never does & says all these nasty things about me behind my back.
Ive done quiet a lot for her & I don’t expect her to thank me for that but I do expect respect like I give her for the things she does.
gosh sometimes I think she needs to be sectioned the way she carries on with her dramas!

I'm sorry to hear this, your MIL sounds like mine, an absolute terror. She tells my newborn you're not your mother's kid you're Dadis kid or your mother is dumb come to dadi