Mum guilt

[Jackleila14]

Morning just posting this to see if any one else has been in the same position and to maybe even give me a kick up the ass to do better. Bit of background, my ds is 2yrs and 4 months old and has a communication and understanding delay . He’s had speech Therepy and multiple hearing test and now finally he has a paediatric referral in nov and we are suspecting autism but I’m no expert . The problem is I find it hard sometimes to keep talking to him where I don’t get much of a response even though I know its exactly what he needs but the lack of response makes me feel lonely, I work nights so it’s just me and him at home all day and although we have a great bond and if he could just hug me on the sofa all day he probably would, that isn’t going to help him progress even though some days it’s all I want to do . My dd is 6 and when she was a baby I never shut up because right from a young age she reacted to what I was saying whereas it’s clear my ds doesn’t understand me. He’s not non verbal however and actually knows all of his shapes, colours and numbers up to 10 and he likes to sit and repeat these with me a lot which is great but I just find it hard to keep going over the same thing but never getting any response to the usual stuff like do you want lunch or where’s your shoes ect. He doesn’t call me mummy and doesn’t make choices or say yes / no and if I left him to it sometimes he will just lay on the floor and do nothing. I’m tired from working nights and I’m just a bit down about the whole situation and so at times I go quiet which I know isn’t helping and then I feel so guilty. I have taught myself a lot of makaton lately and it does seem to be helping both of us and we do all of the games the speech therapist suggested but I know some days I’m not trying hard enough and I feel like I’m failing him and honestly I just find it all so exhausting.

You're not failing at all. You're doing the best you can with what you have which is all any of us can do.

Do you get some down time? You sound exhausted regardless. What do you do that's just for you? It sounds like you're giving so much of yourself but not recharging.

My best friend's little boy was extremely similar to your DS and he was eventually diagnosed age 4 which opened up some specialist support and my nephew has an undiagnosed condition causing developmental delays and some physical problems. My sil describes the same exhaustion from constant stimulation with little feedback but lately has started doing an old hobby again, having some weekends away while I look after dn and recharging her batteries.

Really nice of you to help out your sil I’m sure she appreciates it a lot. Honestly me and dh do nothing for ourselves and have gone whole years where we realise we haven’t had any time alone, my ds finds it hard to settle at night so is often up with us until we go to bed and even though we have done all the same things with him as we did with dd we just can’t get him into a good bedtime routine. We have no childcare which is why I work nights, it is only three nights a week though but I find myself exhausted for a few days after that . Dh is great and definitely does his fair share around the house and with the kids but never really takes them on his own and if I’m honest I don’t so he doesn’t get any time alone either, maybe that’s something we need to look at changing.

You do end up in a cycle and you become worn down by it. You are everything your child needs and you are doing enough, I promise you. But what they both need is a mum who feels that she is enough and if you do nothing but give, you won't feel that way. Does Home Start operate in your area? Do you still have a Children's Centre?

Is there an option of childcare? Can you and your DH get some time alone? If he could do sole care sometimes, have you hobbies you'd do or friends with whom you can spend time? Do you get one on one time with your DD?

Have you been offered all local support services? The GP should know but equally, the health visitor may have some ideas too. I'm a family support worker and people come to us through the GP, school and neurodevelopmental assessment teams. Generally, people have never heard of us.

I’ve applied for him to start pre school For a few hours a week as hv and myself think that would benefit him but can’t get him in until after Xmas . My dd rarely gets time alone with me we used to have girly evening just us two in her room watching a movie painting toe nails ect think it’s time to start that up again sounds terrible but I guess I didn’t think of how much she was missing out. Will have a chat with dh tonight about both of us getting some time to do the things we used to love and maybe even asking my mum very nicely if she will have the kids for a bit which we don’t ever do because she has a busy life as it is . I’m not sure about home start and haven’t been offered any cervices around my area I always assumed it’s because ds is undiagnosed, my sil is a pre school teacher and she spoke to senco for me and they gave her a number for me for something called S.T.E.P.S but it looked to me like he would need a diagnoses before I was able to get any support might just be worth giving them a call and trying my luck.

Argh I wrote that in the car just before the school run but while I was at the school dds teacher asked to speak to me . Dd has ticks that are pretty bad but her dad has them too so didn’t think much of it, I spoke to her new teacher and just told her to let me know if they start to effect her concentration because if they did we’d speak to the gp about them any way today (typically on a day I’m struggling and just feel crap ) she has told me the ticks are affecting her and that she feels she should go for a sight test and hearing test as sometimes she looks like she’s listening but when they ask her what they’ve just said she has no idea she’s in year 2 now and every year before this at every parents evening we’ve had glowing reports so this was just the extra kicker that I just didn’t need .