Possible autism or bad behaviour?

[Googoodol]

My ds who is three behaviour in public is really getting me down, we can't take him anywhere in public without him screaming, if we take him to a resterant he screams at the door to go and eventually we have to as he causes a huge scene and everyone stares at us, we can't go for meals at all anymore as he will just scream the place down. When I go shopping and have to que up at the checkout till he screams until I have finished throws himself on the floor, I dread going doctors because in the waiting room he will just scream at the door because he wants to go, i try distracting him with snacks and toys but it doesn't work ,even waiting for the bus he will scream until it comes because he has to wait but once on it his fine. I get dirty looks from people all the time even been told to control my child and none of mine have ever been like that. I get so frustrated don't know what I'm doing wrong I actually feel depressed and all our family days out are just ruined sad I see other children his age or younger behaving in public and always feel like i'm the only one, he does have a bit of a speech delay but surly it can't be the cause of all this behaviour. Even at nursery I dread getting there early because his terrible at waiting and is the only child that whines and screams because its not open yet and he has to wait l, why can't he wait yet all the other children can, so stressed out his such a lovley sensitive boy wants cuddles all the time ect but taking him out I actually dread it sad its having a real impact on our life any advise please? I just don't know what to do i have tried ignoring it but it doesn't work, I have tried being strict with him and get nowhere. Is this normal? Autism has crossed my mind I have taken him doctors when he was 2 and told them my worries he was referred to a pediatrician who we have seen twice, but as yet no diagnosis they just tell me to watch and wait, his eye contact is quite good, his very affectionate the only thing that makes me think it isn't autism is that he does not play up around other people for example if my mum took him shops he would be fine could he really turn it off like that? And at nursery he has never had a tantrum just does it as soon as he comes out or as soon as he gets there when he is with me. He is a very picky eater which does make me think maybe there is a problem and when people speak to me in public for example the lady at the shop or doctor he screams or even if I'm on the phone I don't no if he is just very strong willed and stubborn or he does have autism if so why can he act in a good way around other people why is it just with me and his dad? if he had autism at least I could understand. When he was younger he used to sit and watch the washing machine for ages and have to closed doors ect but he has now grown out of this which the pediactrian said is a good sign if it was autism wouldnt be progressing apparently 🤔 I just don't no I do compare him to other children and I think he does act different and there definitely could be something 😔

Also to add he has a obsession with buses, he always has to take this little red bus everywhere with him and any cartoon he watches on TV has to be about a bus. When we are out he is constantly on the look out for buses dont know if this means anything. Just to mention he stays round his nans some weekends and is good as gold why can he do this for other people and not with us Is it something I am doing wrong I don't spoil him or anything, just don't no what I'm doing so wrong 😩 just want to have a normal family day out I get jealous watching all the other children with there parents as bad as that sounds but I'm literally always the mum with the screaming toddler guaranteed it's causes arguments with me and my partner, we are just not coping well at all, sorry for going on I just want someone's opinion on the outside, I'm also pregnant and am petrified on how I'm going to cope. Thamk you sorry very long post

if you have worries, see the GP. referral process takes years in some cases.

in the mean time, go on a parenting course. They do like to send you on them as a first step. You can then say I do x y and z but we still have a problem.

write down all his difficulties in groups: rigidity, (routine, will only have the blue cup, can not change plans) sensory, difficulties with noiisy places like restaurants, social.

try to reduce the sensory stimulation: sunglasses, ear defenders, go places when it is quiet. give up on the restaurants til he is older.

try keeping him well fed, warm but not too hot, plenty to drink.

calm him down by rocking in one direction, firm hugs, massaging feet, or anything else that other people help their child. (not all of them will work for you)

ds was obsessed with the washing machine, dd and I to a lesser extent. ds liked opening and closing doors. he went round with a coat hanger for a while.

What do you thinking is causing the screaming? Is it just that he doesn't like waiting or could it be a sensory issue - like noise, too many people, not liking strangers? The fact he is trying to run for the door and can't be distracted makes me think it is not just boredom.

Kids do go through phases of having really difficult behaviour, so there isn't necessarily an underlying issue. But if he is autistic you would expect there to be some sensory issues.

The fact he is good for other people is not unusual, kids tend to show their worst behaviour with the people they are most comfortable with, I e. you. Which makes you feel bad, but actually he is showing he feels secure with you.

You could try using autism friendly techniques and seeing if they make any difference, as they can help non autistic children too. Try making a timetable with pictures to explain the weekly routine and Google now and next boards. If he is autistic he will find pictures easier to understand than verbal instructions or explanations.

Hiya!
My little man is 4 and has diagnosed ASD, global development delay and sensory issues. I would never say whether or not I would guess autism however I will share my experience.
I always had an inkling from around a year old and he had many or the classic autistic traits. Bad sleeper, very fussy eater, meltdowns that can last a long time. He is non verbal and can only say a hand full of words and we have been using the PECS communication method. He is still not toilet trained. Basically he is a 2 year old inside a 4 year olds body. We were unsure as his eye contact has always been brilliant and he is very affectionate little pickle!
Like yours, my son has always hated any kind of social environment and would scream and scream until we would remove him from the setting. At family meals me and my partner would basically take it in turns to walk him up and down in his buggy outside of the restaurant until we had eaten and could leave. I completely understand your distress and upset about not doing the things that seem so simple. We made drastic changes and even bough we upset people (not attending events for example) we find we follow the lead of our son. He really struggled with the noises, colours, lights and people. I never take him shopping anymore as he just cannot cope with it.
Again like your son, my son has obsessions with things. These can be tv characters or a particular car for example.
I spoke to my doctor 8 times before I was taken seriously but after only two sessions at his nursery the ladies called me in for a meeting. I was so relieved and it has taken a very long and stressful road but we now have a diagnosis and slowly developing coping mechanisms for him every day.
Even if your son is not autistic, some of the techniques may be very helpful especially if he struggles with the sensory side of things. I would definitely seek further advice from the professionals to set your mind at rest and get some answers to help you.
I mean most toddlers can be difficult and very trying at times but if you notice difficulties in many areas, it wouldn't hurt just to get some further advice!
I hope that reassures you a little and helps!
All the best x