Business partner fucked me over

[Maireade1]

I started a business with a partner. It’s the sort of business where we have different skills and handle different things. We both work so it’s taken some time, but we’ve got everything set up. We’ve invested several thousand pounds. We’ve also signed up with a local innovation centre for regular support meetings.

I used my holidays from work to spend time doing business stuff that needed to be done. My partner hasn’t taken any time off and says he doesn’t have time. I’ve switched my job to part time to work on the business, but my partner says his employer won’t consider that, even though he hasn’t asked. I’m spending every spare minute working on this. My partner has signed up for an amateur dramatics show and is rehearsing two nights a week and every other Sunday - time that could have been spent on the business. He refused to give it a miss because “it’s his only leisure time”.

We’re now at the point where I’m stuck. The business can’t move any further forward until my partner does the work he’s supposed to be doing. The last two meetings with the business adviser he hasn’t taken time off work to attend, and I’ve had to turn up and humiliate myself by saying the business has made no progress because my partner isn’t doing his share.

The business partner is my DH. I’m so angry and upset. Not that he doesn’t care about the business, but that he doesn’t care about ME.

He knows how much I need this business because otherwise I have no future. Prior to this I was receiving MH counselling because I was literally threatening suicide, because I felt trapped in a job I hated with no way forward. He knows I’ve given up my job and got a crap min wage job so I could work part time on the business, he knows our money has been invested in it, he knows that when our savings run out we can’t pay the bills unless this business is up and running. Why has he let me make that level of investment only to fuck me over by not doing his share?

My job was making me mentally ill and it was DH’s idea to start a family business as a way out, to benefit us both. We have a disabled son who is unlikely to ever get a job unless we have a small business that can employ him and eventually he can take over, which is another reason we agreed to do it.

He’s letting both me and our son down and I’m so upset. I know that only solution is to dismantle the whole business and throw it away. But this is such a betrayal that I’m literally considering divorce. And I’m back to feeling suicidal and crying all the time because I have no future. DH isn’t happy about it but he’s the one who’s sent me back there! He offered me and our son a future, and briefly I was so happy and positive, then he pulled the rug from under me.

I'm so sorry OP, these things are always harder to deal with when there's an emotional element. Would you DH consider counselling or mediation so you can both find a way through?

I'd also consider asking for this to be moved to another board, you've chosen quite a niche one (although I did see it in Active so maybe others will).

Best of luck.

This took a turn. I think you need to get this post moved to relationships so you can talk this through.

It sounds like your OH is under a huge amount of pressure and struggling to juggle everything. It's unrealistic to think that he doesn't need some time out to do things he wants to do, as well as work, work, work

If the business relies so much on him, and he is unable to commit to doing it - can you get someone else in to help? Or what type of business could you do without him?

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, but the business was set up for all the wrong reasons, and it is very rarely a good idea to set up a business with a friend, family or partner. I'm not entirely sure he thought it was a good idea and more went along with what you wanted, but has now realised, as have you, that starting a business is difficult, and it is nigh on impossible to do properly alongside a full time job. It's a big ask, and just working all hours, seven days a week, is absolutely no good for anyone.

Looking at purely the business side of it, is there anything you can do that is separate/different to this business using just your skills? Can you learn his skills?

Another thing to consider is whether self employment is for you and/or your son. It isn't all rainbows and happiness, the complete opposite. It is the hardest job you will ever do. Will you cope with that? Will your mental health cope with that when the buck stops with you? I don't mean this to be horrible or unsupportive, but it is realistic.

It sounds like your partner is more of an ideas and quick gratification kind of person. There's nothing wrong with that but it's not necessarily conducive to the long, slow plod of setting up a buisness. Maybe there's some adhd going on there too?

You sound prone to rush decisions yourself. You could just get another job, one that you don't hate. Or a few part time jobs to work around childcare if that's an issue.

Instead it's all suicide threats and all or nothing new businesses and oh, 'let's dismantle the bew business just because he missed a few meetings'.

I respect that you are struggling but I redirect that he needs to take care of his mental health too. And some people need hobbies away from home for that.

Also... if you've married and had a child with this man, you probably should have known how this would go. Maybe you just hoped out of desperation it would be different tbf.

It's possible he has checked out of this marriage.
Maybe you should too.

Alternatively...is it possible he WANTS you trapped? Is there any abuse in the relationship?

Are you sure that you actually need him as part of the business? What particular skillset does he have that you don't?

Can you not "tweak" the business so that it's a "one person" business run entirely by you alone, maybe doing slightly different/fewer services?

Can you not subcontract whatever special skills your OH would bring to it?

See this is why they say "don't mix business with pleasure ".

Another business partner would be a better fit in my opinion.

Tell us what his special skills are. We might have a solution. I’m guessing accountancy or book-keeping

He knows how much I need this business because otherwise I have no future.

Me & my husband are doing the same thing; although I've run a successful business before. We're mostly selling my skill but DH has his parts, too.

The above is what is massively slowing us down. Massively. The pressure is unreal. Not only do we need the money to survive; we need it for his mental health, and he is nowhere near as bad as you are.

What is his skill? There has to be a way around this, that makes it work for everyone, if it's a priority for you. Let's thrash it out. You are pretty anonymous here - what is the business? What are you doing, what is he supposed to be doing, and what will your son do?

I think you need a new business partner, or you need to educate yourself and get help from business advisers and go for it on your own. There's nothing stopping you.

Regardless of whether it's your DH or not, he can't commit to this business now so he isn't a suitable business partner for you.

It doesn't sound like communication between you two is good. Rather than getting so upset about it, you two need an open conversation and a practical solution going forward. Clearly you are committed and you've put a lot of work to it already. It's much easier to achieve whilst working part time and if your current paid role is far less demanding than your previous. It might not be the same for your DH. He probably had the best intentions but maybe the reality doesn't work for him. Talk to him openly and map out what to do next. Don't drop everything you've done and your plans. Find a way to make it happen.

Is it possible he's stuck on something and doesn't want to admit it? Could you suggest he gets some outside help if he's stuck?

Eg: 'max are you struggling with something in particular? I fully appreciate you needed some me-time but it's your turn to do your share again and I'm wondering what the hold up is. Do you need us to hire you some help with anything? I can look into calling a guy if you need one?'.

Most men will, because of their ego, not like that suggestion. And will therefore do the work ASAP to prove they can.

Or, he might genuinely need help. So, take you up in the offer.

I’m not going to be able to get a new job. My skills are quite niche and mostly employed in London. Friends who did the same degree have either relocated or are working in Asda because there’s no jobs around here. I was lucky to get a job that used my degree in this location, but there isn’t going to be another one for me to switch to.

I was trapped and miserable. We can’t relocate and remote working wouldn’t suit the type of job. I was suicidal and on antidepressants. So DH suggested starting our own business to give me an alternative job, and it would be good for DS too.

DS has high functioning autism, he’s super intelligent and capable but nobody is ever going to hire him because of the way he is. He could work for us and take over running the business, or he could sell it and use the money to fund his additional needs. I know that 85% of autistic adults are unemployed and I want to be able to hand DS a job on a plate. If I partner with someone else I won’t own the business so I won’t be able to hand it to DS.

I’m just very angry. If DH wasn’t able to commit then he shouldn’t have gone this deep and spent all of our money and agreed I would quit my job. It’s all very well saying he needs time out for his MH and it’s too much work and whatnot, but he should have thought about that before he committed.

What's the company? What element of it is DH supposed to be doing that he isn't?

Without that information, we can't help. It might not be game over, it may just feel like it because you are so close, and so emotionally invested.

You need to build a business to have one to hand to DS, so you eyes need to be on the next step, and then the one after that, until you've got a successful business that earns enough to support the three of you.

When I say job I mean job. Not career.
You don't need a degree to work in a shop or behind a bar and there are plenty of those jobs in London. See if your mates can get you in at asda.

And if you think it's beneath you, remind yourself that your buisness is currently earning nothing. So your asda friends are probably doing better than you.

And tbh you might enjoy it better than your niche career anyway by the sound of things. A job that gets you our and about and being active might be just what you need to boost your endorphins too.

It's all very well blaming the husband but you need to take personal responsibility now for your life moving forwards. And now that contempt has entered your marriage, you might be better off doing this as a single person..

Can you employ someone on a short term contract to complete the work DH was supposed to do? You would retain control of the business but get what needs to be completed done... you might take longer to get any profit once you have covered that cost but it may be worth it to get moving again.

Didn't you post about this the other day, saying your DH was having lie-ins and playing golf all weekend instead of helping you? If so, I can't believe he's joined an am-dram group as well! Have you told him that you are (rightly) contemplating divorce?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it does sound like his priorities don’t align with yours where the business is concerned and possibly never were. Does he genuinely see it as a viable, serious business or is he humouring you with what he sees as a hobby side hustle?

if he’s serious, he needs to take some time off to do what he’s agreed. If he refuses you either need a new partner or to rethink your future plans.

It does sound like there are other issues at play between you that could also be the source of your mh concerns. 💐

Hi OP,
We're so sorry you're feeling this way.
We can see that you've already been given a lot of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which may be able to give you some help in real life too.
First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. There are many organisations listed which can provide you with some support. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected]
or by calling 116 123.
You can also get help from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.
And finally, here's a link to Mind's pages on Tips for everyday living and How to improve your mental wellbeing.
Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope you're okay.

Sorry you are going through this Maireade1 in your OP you don't ask a question - what would you like to happen and what information do you feel would help? Already with the mental health and DC issues they are very high stakes, so you are wanting this business to solve many issues which will of course make you feel overwhelmed.
If you want your DH to do more then if he just won't (perhaps suggest counselling?) then what can you do?
Can you find someone with the skills he would offer on an as and when basis (though not making them a partner, to avoid the issue with business ownership).
What are your skills, what are his skills, what is the business? Even if you give the vague ballpark that would help us all give suggestions.

You need to separate the emotion from the business.
You need to have that difficult conversation. Is he going to do it? Or not? He's not under pressure, he's got loads of time for drama. Play dumb, Ask him if he wants to step aside and you hire / pay someone else to do the bits he promised?

It would be really helpful to know what the business is and what DH should be doing, then perhaps we can help you find a way around it.

I would be asking myself the question 'what can I do to reskill to do DH's skill set' or 'who can I outsource DH's bit to in order to facilitate the biz moving forward'.
I'm guessing you need a website, so am replying as though it is but you can reconfigure for whatever skills set is needed..
So do investigate what you can do with platforms that are available eg wordpress, shopify - ask for recommendations from other people in business, much of this software is now SO easy to use.
Look at courses you can do that would help you - if low earnings can often be free with the local college esp if on low wage/no wage.
If you outsource, ask for recommendations among the local business community

Yes I think you already have a thread running where you were given a lot of advice. You need a plan b as your husband just isn’t onboard with this.