So unhappy, something must change, but I'm so frazzled I don't know how

[otchayaniye]

Namechanged as would hate my husband to see this.

This is a sleep/co-sleeping/extended breastfeedig/relationship/sex issue all wrapped up together.

Wonderful DD is 20 months and a typical fed-to-sleep, wake-in-the-night, slung everywhere 'attached' little girl.

We both work in news part time and share her care (DH works two punishing, long night shifts) and I work three 8-hour shifts (but mostly very early starts, like 6am)

We love sharing her care, we love her and we (I'm assuming on his behalf!) feel close in some ways that we're both on the same page. We wouldn't call ourselves 'attachment parents' sounds a little didactic but we've (or more to the point, I) adopted this way as a response to how our daughter is. An early baby, very small and basically the first six months was a babymoon for us as I was convinced she wasn't taking in enough. There lie the seeds of her boob obsession. Apart from the 8 hours I work (and even then until a couple of months ago I used to feed her in my lunch hour) she'll ask to feed many times a day (I try to distract) and seems to make up for it at night. She feeds more than many newborns.

A good day/night can see her feed from 6am on and off in bed - then a nap in the sling in town after an activity (yes, she's not heavy but still she's 20 months) and then another activity, then dinner all together at around 6pm, then bath and story and bed and feed to sleep which could take 20 minutes. She may wake once before midnight and is settled quickly with a feed (not really drinking, in fact she rarely does) and maybe one more waking in the eaarly hours.

A bad night (more common these days) will see her take ages to settle - sometimes multiple attempts with her getting up and running about which takes the initial settling to up to 2 hours. Then waking every hour. For the last two nights it's been like this - she has a cold and temp and trying to get calpol into her is like trying to get it into an angry eel.

Now to my relationship. It's killing it. I'm bitter and angry that all this settling and resettling falls to me. That my husband has taken to sleeping in my DD's room (we hopefully bought a big bed for her but any attempt to get her in it failed) and gets a full night (on the nights he doesn't work. That he can sit on the sofa and relax with a glass of wine while I run around coralling my daughter or lying in the dark on my side for hours.

Maybe it's the breastfeeding, but I don't want to be touched. We very rarely have sex but the last few times it's been like something from a film - she's woken up crying JUST as we were about to actually do it. I haven't had a period, and believe it or not, we'd like to have another child (please don't tell me I'm stupid because our relationship is fucked, I'm thinking of the big picture here) and I can't wait forever as I'm 38.

The dialogue between us if it's anything to do with me and sleeplessness and frustration is at an impasse. He's heard me moan and tear my hair out too much, so he's shut down. He thinks he's being understanding by not hassling me for sex whereas I feel he's avoiding the situation, which hurts me.

It got bad a few months back and I went to the doctor I've been depressed before so thought it would be that and she prescribed me a low dose of sertraline. But two months after taking them I stopped. I realised that I am not depressed at all. Yes, I am unhappy, yes I'm frustrated but I'm NOT depressed. I'm fucking tired and worn out! Understandable really.

But the problem with me having gone to the docs is that in a tense exchange I feel he almost uses it as a put down, a way to diminish my feelings, because I'm basically a mentalist.

I feel sometimes like I'm screaming in a glass box in the middle of the room and he can't hear me. I feel hurt that a person who professes to love me can't see me getting more and more fed up and tired and won't take practical steps to help me. His idea of help is either get me champagne or otherwise to sigh and offer to take her/settle her. But he always brings her back to me saying "she's too upset/she's waking the neighbours/maybe now's not the time/it's because you're here and she wonders why you're not comforting her"

So we never get anywhere. And his inability to push through and take a bit of her crying (he's a real softie) as he settles her annoys me.

We both agree that I should wind down feeding (she can't seem to be happy cutting down to one or two feeds) and try to get her out of our bed.

I'm making him sound unkind and unreasonable. He's not. He's a wonderful man but not good at confrontation and he is fed up with me -- hell, I'm fed up with me.

Also I can be tentative about changing things. She's such a wonderful girl, she understands so much and is fully conversational. We have an amazing close relationship and she's just blossoming and I am anxious I could ruin that.

But I need to get myself to a place where I can listen to him and he can listen to me and after a 12-hour day and a 1-2 hour of settling is I don't feel like being reasonable.

Help!

A 20 month baby should not be feeding in this constant way. She ought to be on "three meals a day", with snacks (which might be breast milk). Can you get your HV to come round and talk to you and your DH together about where your DD ought to be and how you ought to get there?

I wish I could help. I do understand a lot about your situation. Certainly my relationship is in a similar place even though my youngest is older than yours, not bf'ing any more (and out of our bed but still up in the night and needs me to settle)

I only have a few minutes so a very quick suggestion (that doesn't really deal with all the issues you've raised). What has helped a little bit is coming up with plan of action with dp at a calm quiet time when you're not already fed up/exhuasted/trying to calm dd, etc. Hard to find that space but if you do - a happy lunchtime at hte weekend or something - then try to come up with a joint plan. If your dh knows how unhappy you are then he needs to understand that you've got to deal with this together.

So you could agree that he deals with her in the night and you sleep elsewhere (if you could stand it). or you persevere with the bed in her own room but you do it together in shifts (on the nights he's not working) so you have a "shift" and the other one can ignore all wakings and get some rest (in another room if necessary). I can't think of more useful suggestions but if it all seems to much, try to pick the ONE thing you want to change (the feeding, the settling at night, the fact he sleeps in a separate room, her moving to her own bed, whatever it is) and see what plan you can agree. Get him to see that he has to see something through and not rely on you if you are there. You have to agree that the end justifies the means if you're going to let her cry and let him see he has to be strong for your sake and see it through. If necessary, and if you think you could do it, then you could actually leave the house and sleep elsewhere (friends/family) if that would make it easier. Start at a weekend when neihter of you has to work the next day if that is possible.

I'm not making much sense but I also want to say that your dd is a wonderful girl but she is 20 months and a bit of change now isn't going to radically alter her personality or "ruin" her. If you were to have another child, that would be a big change for her but a positive one. She is old enough to handle it and you will both still be there caring for her and loving her, she will love oyu just the same and wouldn't it be better if you weren't feeling resentful (if that's the right word, apologies if not) about having to carry her and settle her and deal with her at night.

There'll be lots of tips on the bf'ing board if you want to ask about reducing feeds too.

She is heading towards an age where she could understand if you say "milk/feeds/whatever she calls it is just for bedtime" or whatever. It's surprising sometimes what they will accept if you just say that's how it's going to be (doesn't always work though).

Bonsoir - she is on three meals a day. She was BLW and went well and is a good eater.

It's about comfort and she doesn't really drink as such.

She goes 8 hours without breastfeeding when I work.

I have cut down the day feeds (although she doesn't stop asking) and don't feed her in public.

This isn't so much a breastfeeding question as a feeding to sleep issue.

I have absolutely no faith in my HV so won't go down that route.

I know I/we need to be strong. But it's hard when you feel so tired and that you're on a treadmill and can't stop.

No friends or family to help, either, I'm afraid.

Sorry, meant to add that of course, that she does breast'feed' too frequently, just that it's not feeding as such and not really impacting her eating of meals.

I'm quite defensive, can't you tell I'm not so touchy when I've had some sleep.

Something in me has snapped these past few days. I'm going to night wean (because I know sh can fall asleep without bf when I've lost it and pretended I'm asleep and rolled over on my front) tonight and not feed her in the day. The cutting down feeds HAD worked, but something happened recently (not sure what) and I reneged on it a bit. I felt at the time it made life more harmonious. But obviously not!

"Something in me has snapped these past few days."

This happens. It eventually happened to me - I got absolutely no pleasure any longer out of breastfeeding. I think it's pretty biological, tbh. You will start pushing your DD away, and that is a good thing, nature's way. Your DH really mustn't have an opinion about this.

You're right. I was until recently still in the baby bubble in some ways. Still being led by her needs.

I guess this comes to the nub of it. Changing our relationship as it moves into a new phase. I guess we're both reluctant in our own ways but it has to happen for the family as a whole.

Thanks for your advice. I have been out and about today and she napped at the right time and hasn't gone on about 'booby'

I remember someone saying at a la leche meeting that when they are babies, their wants and needs are one and the same, but that as they get older you begin to balance their needs and wants against your own.

Can you work out the thing you most want to change and start there, whether that is weaning, dh putting her to bed etc. Practically, I find my dd takes ages to settle if she's not really tired, could it be time to drop the nap, if she is really tired she may put herself to sleep for it. I know that sounds ridiculously optimistic but my dd is similar but has been known to conk out on the floor when really knackered. Or could you shorten the nap to help her gradually drop it?

Good luck!

And I think when it gets to the point of you feeling that frustrated, actually that's not in her interests either, your wellbeing is important for your whole family.

otchayaniye I am in a VERY similar situation with dd2.

She is 19 months old and has always slept in bed with me. She is still breastfeeding in the day, feeding to sleep at night and waking repeatedly in the night.

DD1 was a very sleeper until recently so I have gone 4 years without a decent night's sleep and it is like my brain is shut down. I want to stop breastfeeding and move her to her own bed but it is like my brain doesn't compute. I just cannot figure out what to do.

I have tried refusing to feed her in the night but she gets extremely distressed very quickly and roars the house down.

I am so fragile that the last thing I want is for dd1 to wake too and have to deal with her so I give in and feed dd2.

My relationship with DH is very strained as, like you, I feel the burden of this is all on me. I know he wants to chacge things but doesn't seem to be able to offer anything constructive at all.

It is definitely more about comfort than food for dd2, like your dd. She can go all day without a feed if we are busy and out of the house but at home the minute I sit she is constantly pulling my top up, looking for a feed. Some days I am completely exhausted by it but at other times I look at her and think this is what she needs right now and I can't take that away from her.

I have seen lots of posts from others in a similar situation so I am sure you will get lots of sympathy but unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a right answer or a simple solution.

I

Hi ya honey. I wanted to reply because I ended up in a very similar position with my hubby after my first baby. In fact, we got to the point where we fought all of the time and it was awful. Now, we are very happy, with two children and planning our third.

One thing I did was decide I was going to start fixing things on my own. I found that talking to my husband about how we would resolve issues etc just didn't work. He isn't that kind of a guy and I ended up pushing him further away.

Instead, I tried really hard (oh god it was hard!) to ficus on what he did that was great and I made sure I told him. "Thanks for doing this for me..." "You did a great job with baby tonight, thank you." And so on. It got easier and he started to help more. I just ignored the annoying stuff.

If I did want him to help I would give him clear instructions. This worked better than wondering why he just sat infront of the tv doing nothing when chaos was going on upstairs!

I also made a plan to fix the sleeping issues so that we could get our bed back and start being husband and wife again. I got a lot of support from www.sleepytot.com and it really only took me a few weeks to have ds1 sleeping in his own bed through the night most nights. This made a world of difference to us. We had an evening to sit on the sofa with a glass of wine and even get a babysitter in etc. I didn't push things, just let things be - chatted about anything except relationship problems or sex and slowly we began to grow close again.

A book I'd really recommend to you is Stephen Biddulph's The Secret to Happy Parents. I read this from cover to cover and then I realised how much of the problems were my own doing as well as my DH's.

Within a few months of making my plan and sticking to it, we were happy again and then I got pregnant and I was really glad I'd made such an effort to change things.

When baby number two came along, I was careful to make sure our relationship wasn't so affected as it was the first time.

Put your needs first, decide what you want for your family and then just go for it. You will feel very empowered once you realise that you can do this.

Lots of love. x