'Poor' sleep associations - help!!

[tinkerbug]

Sorry, this may be quite long winded...! My DS is almost 4 months old and will not settle to sleep.

He is out first baby and since he was born the two ways we have got him to sleep are by bfing and rocking. At night time we have a good routine, bath at 7pm followed by a breastfeed. He falls asleep whilst feeding (done lying down on my bed) and then I extract my nipple from his mouth...sometimes he wakes up so I let him suck for a bit more until he is asleep. If I don't let him suck he screams! Then once he is asleep I pick him up and put him over my shoulder, move into his room and rock him for a couple of minutes until he goes floppy so I know he is asleep, then put him down in his cot. Sometimes he flinches on the way down and half wakes up so you have to rock him half way down into his cot IYSWIM. This works most of the time but if he wakes up I have to start the whole thing again, and can take up to an hour and a half. It is totally soul destroying to start all over again!! My DH can do the same, but obviously with EBM in a bottle. Then DS will fall asleep while being rocked on him....DS never falls asleep while I rock him, he just nuzzles my neck and sucks any bit of skin until I give him a boob!
When he wakes in the night he feeds but then will not go back in his cot which means I usually resort to putting him in bed with me and we co-sleep for the rest of the night, with him sucking whenever he wakes. He usually wakes between 1 and 3 times a night, he has, however, slept through till 6am twice.

Naps are a bit better, he goes to sleep within 10 mins by being bounced in his baby chair while his white noise cd is playing. He sleeps for 30 mins (exactly!! You can set your watch by it!) and usually has 3-4 naps per day.

So if anyone is still reading and has not dozed off - my question is, how on earth do I get him to sleep without being fed / rocked / bounced? Would love to be able to feed him then put his down awake and have him fall asleep alone. Sometimes, on bad nights, I despair of ever being able to do this or ever having my bed back. I know that myself and DH have set up these poor sleep associations and would love to have some new, "good" sleep associations for DS.

Does anyone have any tips to help me achieve this? I should also mention that I know he is too young for controlled crying and that when he is put in his cot awake, he either cries (if we leave) or remains wide awake (if we stay).

The only thing I could think of you doing is feeding him until he is nearly asleep, ie. drowsy and then putting him down while he's still awake. If he doesn't go to sleep then do it again. And keep doing it many many times until he falls asleep. I think the baby whisperer has good advice for this age group. x

I agree with Bippyhippy. When dd was 8w we introduced a bedtime routine which finishes with a BF. I feed DD until she starts to fall asleep - but i don't let her sleep - i wind her over my shoulder, sing a song (softly), sway until she is dropping off and then lay her down so she does the last bit herself.

The first few times she woke up and cried, but i stayed with her until she fell asleep. IIRC it took over an hour of shushing/patting, but this has gradually reduced to a minute or two (sometimes only seconds!) as i have learned to red her better and know when she's 'ready' to be put down. occasionally she whinges for a while, but she always gets there herself in the end.

I'm so glad i stopped feeding her to complete sleep, as she would always wake up as soon as i put her down and starting all over again was doing my head in! From that very first night she has been sleeping for much longer too - around 7 hours - when i was lucky if she went for 3 hrs if i fed her to sleep.

Hope that helps, good luck!

My DS is exactly the same, including the naps! No advice but I have bought No Cry Sleep Solution in readiness for when I feel ready to change things. At the moment I am happy to accept things as they are but I feel for you as you sound like you've had enough. I hope you get some good advice!

tinkerbug my DS and many other babies were the same at this age. It's really hard!

First of all I don't think you should think that feeding or rocking to sleep is a poor association. It's natural. I remember thinking I was failing as couldn't put DS down awake - all because of the books I'd read etc etc. However I decided to try and not let it bother me and it became a bit easier.

To get my DS to self settle (at 9 months it's still not consistent), we started to put him to bed early. Try ending your routine by 6/6.15pm with a feed. That way you catch the "sleep window" before your baby is too tired. Too tired means they need more help.

Keep things calm for your baby about an hour before bed - it's hard for them to switch off as everything is exciting. I used to put DS in a sling and go for a walk or put him in his chair while I did chores. It gave him a chance to wind down I think. If I didn't do that, he'd get wound up. I used to have a no toys rule!

Also once you've got the earlier bedtime and baby is easier to settle you can keep trying to put down drowsy after a feed and pat to sleep - easier if you put on side and pat bum then roll onto back once asleep. Dont stress if it doesn't always work - it won't. But sometimes it will.

Also if you're sure your baby has fed, don't feed again when you're putting to bed unless they're really upset. Either hand over to DH or keep rocking. There were times I used to put DS on the boob several times an hour as was too scared to keep going!

Anyway, my DS became easier to settle at about 5/6 months after trying the above. We also did three nights of pick up put down but gave up. Biggest difference was earlier bedtime as now, at nearly 9 months, he's hard to settle if I feed him too late (past 6.15!) or he doesn't have time to "chill" after half 4/5pm.

As for naps, it's so common for them to be short at this age. However I found that my DS needed somewhere quiet and dark if at home (after about 3 months). When out he'll sleep longer in the sling or pushchair if the hood is down. Otherwise no chance of more than 30 mins!

Good luck. Just keep trying and ditch any books you might have as they just depress you (they did me anyway, even the "gentle" ones!!).

Thank you for all your advice - even knowing I'm not alone helps!!

And Igglybuff, I think you're right, maybe I'm going on what the books tell me I "should" be doing, rather than what is right for me and DS.

Will try some of the things that have been suggested and see if they work - maybe then I can pass some advice on to other Mums with a similar problem!!

I definitely second the suggestion of puttibg him down in his cot still awake. We used to put DS (13weeks) in his cot asleep. But he would inevitably open his eyes a few minutes after we'd left him and would freak out at being in a different place. So we started cuddling him almost to sleep and then putting him in the cot. After a few nights spent sitting stroking his yead etc for hours he started settlibg fibe. Tonight i actually even left him in the cot wide awake so i could have my dinner and he settled himself!

Good luck!

Try and bring bed time a bit earlier and do that last feed when he is not too exhausted, then put him to bed when he's still awake but obviously tired. Don't worry if he moans a bit, it's not the same as controlled crying and a bit of moaning from a tired baby that needs to go to sleep is perfectly ok. There is a difference between a cry that means "I'm really tired and I've had enough" and completely hysterical sobbing. Leave him for five minutes at a time, then go back and maybe do a bit of patting and reassurance. Have done this with my 3 month old, and she now goes to bed awake and settles herself and I never hear a squeak. It can be done.