my baby thinks i'm his mattress

[schipo]

I've got a three week old baby (my first) who, in theory, sleeps in a bedside cot beside the bed dh and I share. Baby sleeps in the bedside cot rather than in our bed because dh is a committed smoker (don't worry - he smokes outside the house).

During the day the baby is mostly on our laps or in a sling, often being fed. he can stand up to 40 minutes at a time in a hammock if we put him in when he's asleep. So he's used to having human contact nearly all the time. When we first go to bed at night, after a little feed and a cuddle, he'll sleep for an hour or so in his cot, but then he wakes pretty much every hour wanting to suckle or have his nappy changed or to be winded. Often though none of those things stop him from screaming when he's put down again or even before. I have tried keeping my hand in contact with the baby in the cot, so he knows he's not alone, but he's not impressed. After the 4th or 5th time of being woken I'm not feeling very patient or creative and I've found that the quickest most reliable way to stop him screaming is if I lie down and put him face down on top of my chest. Then he'll stop screaming, settle and sleep for another hour and I can grab a little more sleep.

This means he ends up in our bed for most of the night which is a problem because of dh's smoking and I doubt it's the safest way for him to sleep for other reasons.

Should I just put him down in the bedside cot and let him scream and cry until he stops? Will he just grow out of this and start sleeping for longer and be able to sleep in his cot eventually?

I'm really hoping there's an alternative to giving him formula feeds last thing at night just to knock him out for longer?

Any suggestions much appreciated

we have a bedside cot (well, a cotbed minus one of its sides, wedged firm up against our bed, and with rolled up blankets in the small gap betwixt cot and bed) so DS sleeps on my right hand side, DP on my left. It means I can still lie down to feed, and also that DP can relax and sleep a little better. We've had this arrangement since DS was 3 months old, and he's now nearly 9 months old, and all seems ok (well, apart from him NOT SLEEPING past 4 am at the moment, but that's a whole other thread).

We tried formula top ups to get him to sleep in the early weeks, but they made sod all difference - he still managed a maximum of 2 hours, then he'd wake up and want to feed for 6 hours at a stretch. So geting him to sleep longer was just a case of 'this too will pass' and waiting for him to outgrow it! He now manages 8pm-4 am some nights! best of luck

No ideas but i'll be watching this thread. my baby is 10 weeks and i'm still in the same situation! i have a bedside cot minus one side but to be honest she doesn't really settle in there and still sleeps on me the majority of the night.
i thought that no baby would sleep worse than my son - how wrong i was!!!

schipo your baby is so young at the moment and is hard wired to get nervous if you're not obviously about. It's natures way of keeping you close and means that your baby is less likely to get eaten by a tiger.

My DS loved to sleep on me and I'm planning to do that with DC2. Over time DS1 migrated to spending the beginning of the night in his cot - and gradually increased the amount of time at his own pace. But it takes time - months not weeks.

The problem you have is your DH's smoking and the increase in SIDS risk that presents. However it is only one of the SIDS risk factors and if you're comfortable you've controlled all the rest then you've done as much as you can. For years they didn't know that smoker proximity increased the risk of SIDS and yet the vast majority of children survived one or both parents smoking like chimneys around them....

You might consider asking DH to sleep in the spare room for a month or so.... or maybe you and DC could...? Also remember that your DC only really will get the hang of day and night at about 3 months so will only start really consolodating naps into sleeps around then....

Bit of a rambling reply - hope it helps though

Hi schipo. It is a difficult one. My DH is an ex smoker -started again when dd2 was due but has gone back onto nicotine lozenges as I told him it was either that or the sofa. I think the main issue with smoking is the chemicals still present on DH at bedtime. Could he shower and wear bed attire never in contact with smoke and/or you keep baby beside you not between you? This was my fall back plan if DH struggled with not smoking. The most DD2 has managed in her moses basket is about 10 minutes by the way.

Thanks for all the comments.

Comforting to know that at least i'm not alone.

Kveta - Yikes! my baby also sleeps for much shorter periods after 4am. I was hoping this would end when the nights got longer.

Re the SIDS risk, we bought a super king size bed and baby is always firmly on one side and dad on the other. Baby is also on window side and we keep the window slightly open so baby has freshest air. Hopefully that all helps to reduce risks.

Knitter, i grew up in 70's and both my parents smoked. I'm not quite worried enough to banish dh to another room yet - but maybe we'll get there. Interesting to think that baby doesn't know he's doing anything wrong by just napping at night. I'll make more of an effort to remember that at 5am tomorrow.

Molly (hello) - I think i'll have better luck with the shower and smoke free bed clothes than lozenges! Hoping he gets round to make the decision to quit himself though.

I'm actually just as worried about getting his temperature right. Maybe he's too cold in his own cot and maybe he'll get too hot if he sleeps on me with duvet?

I may try making him warmer in his cot to see if that helps, and I suppose I can assume that he'll shout up if he gets too hot on me?

schipo at this age babies are incapable of doing 'right' and 'wrong' - those are adult concepts... It's just that sometimes the things he does are convenient to us or inconvenient....!

He'll be doing what he needs to make sure everything feels right with his world - and doesn't understand that the consequences are a knackered mum!!!

Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job - you're obviously a really careing mum doing everything you can to minimise the risks and keep your lovely baby happy.

Hi Schipo

My DS (15wks) is on/off me all night (we have a sidecar cot too but by the morning it's generally where my iphone, water bottle, glasses etc have ended up, not DS!).

Regarding the temperature/duvet thing - I found DS did not wake up if he was too hot. I would realise he was sweating, but he would never wake from it. Overheating worried me, as did rolling off and being suffocated by the duvet so I bought an adult sized cotton cellular blanket and we both sleep under that now (DH has the duvet on his side away from us).

oh, thanks for re blanket idea koeda, ordered one

I wonder if something like swaddling would help? I never did it but it might not be a great idea in this heat I think I would def worry about overheating.

DD had this little mattress thing which hugged her on both sides and seemed to give her lots of comfort - she only started sleeping in her own crib once we started using it. Can't for the life of me think waht it would be called, will look it up...

It's called a sleep positioner apparently.

My sympathies - both my dc would only sleep if on me or dh and that went on til they were about 3-4 months old. I used a sleeping bag for the dc - you can get lightweight ones for warmer weather.

You are welcome schipo - I actually got the tip from another MNer! Hope it arrives in time to catch all this lovely hot weather, mine is perfect for keeping us both cool but covered at the moment.

My DD was/is exactly the same as this and to be honest I just have started to accept it. Night time suddenly improved around 5 weeks where if I BF her to sleep, and wait til she is in deep sleep I can put her in moses basket without waking, and she started sleeping 3-4 hours on her own, and now can go up to 8 hours (last night did 5.5 I think due to heat). She can be restless after her first wake for feed, but on the whole will sleep most of night on her own.

Before the 5 weeks she ended up sleeping most of night in my arms, with me propped up on cushions and very very tense in case I slept on her (and my DH is a smoker too).

The only thing we changed at 5 weeks was bath routine and actually trying to put her down in dark room, in a lightweight swaddleme wrap etc and were both shocked when it worked. I would urge you that even if swaddling etc didn't work when she was new born etc, don't just give up, my DD seems to change and what didn't work 2 weeks ago may just do the trick now.

Now daytime naps are another thing... she will only sleep snuggled next to booby in sling

Until my DS was about 2-3 weeks old I pretty much let him do whatever. Then I had some great advise given to me and have never looked back.

When baby is showing signs of tiredness (rubbing eyes, eratic crying, yawning etc) and is fed and changed, swaddle the baby and put him in his own cot/moses basket/crib. Do this whether he is awake or asleep. If he starts crying LEAVE him. I know this sound harsh and I felt terrible to start with, but I would set myself a task such as doing the dishes or writing an e mail. DS was always asleep within 10 minutes. He now knows how to fall asleep on his own, in his own bed.

At night now when I feed him he goes straight back down and if still awake babbles for a while then back to sleep. He does not become upset in the night if he wakes up in a in his cot because that is where he fell asleep (rather than on your body).

It will be hard to start with but trust me absolutely worth it in the end.

Good luck.

Schipo Do be sure you research all the pros AND cons of controlled crying and cry it out methods if you are thinking of it. I'm not even sure it's recommended for babies under 6 months but I'm sure someone will be along to correct me!