I don't know what to do, but I know I am doing it wrong - please help! so exhausted...

[AisieSusie]

so my darling boy is 14 weeks and generally really laid back and easy, EXCEPT for sleeping. Is it colic/ stomach pain thats causing it, or emotionally needing to be close to us, or me creating 'bad habits'... or something else?

I can't quite work out what's going on and what's the solution, and am really worried about trying to do anything that means he might cry or feel abandoned, or lose his trust in me.

so please help! what do you think is going on? how can I change his sleeping habits? i don't know whats important or not, so here is a long description of whats going on, in the hopes that one of you fab experts can detangle the symptoms and shed light on a possible cause/ way forwards...

The situation: I ended up cosleeping as he seems to hate his moses basket and cot (cot right next to bed, did have side down but he's a wriggler), the endless rocking and trying to put him down only for him to wake up distraught was awful. Never thought i'd cosleep, nothing against it but i am a total worrier and am scared i will suffocate him, so not really sleeping well as I can't relax and get properly off to sleep. Have read the cosleeping guidelines and am trying to adhere to them, but still its not really a long term solution for me (also had spd in pregnancy and still in lots of pain so lying in one position not being able to move is agony)

But anyway, even this doesn't seem to be working now, he has gone from being ok sleeping in bed with me besides him to needing to be right up close with his head in my arm and now, only sleeps in my arms/ nipple in mouth or face down on dh's chest (on the sofa, oh god). I can't keep this up and the worry is killing me that he is sleeping in dangerous positions...

In the day he naps whenever he wants, usually in my arms or the sling or the buggy, i don't have a set routine of naps currently. He won;t be put down to day time nap on his own in moses basket or cot, so am thinking at least some of the problem is not colic... We got a cool mobile for him to make the cot more friendly/ interesting, but now he loves the mobile but its more a source of entertainment and he gets over stimulated rather than sleepy when its on. I am just using the cot as somewhere safe to put in and keep him happy for 20 mins whilst i shower/ cook.

At night I don't have a set bedtime for him, as unless i go to bed with him, its just crying and he looks so upset and panicked there's no point. I did try a routine of bath, massage, sing to him, final feed, swaddle and into the cot, which did work sometimes, but then he'd wake up 45 mins later and howl the place down so didn't seem worth it. and when dh lends a hand, he won't do any of it (part lazy, part routine aversion and doesn't believe a routine will help), so no consistency.

DS also feeds every 2 hrs all through the night (bf), which i was hoping to somehow reduce as the other babies his age i know are all sleeping for at least 4-5 hrs. Had been trying to give just one bottle of formula/ expressed milk at around midnight in the hopes it filled him up enough to sleep longer, but not sure if thats working... anyway, just weighed him and he's dropped from the 98th percentile for height and weight to under 50th for weight, although 98th still for height... so now am worried about feeding too!

He definately has colic/ some kind of digestive pain, which is worse from about 7pm all through the night (thought colic was supposed to be only a few hours, not 12 upwards?). he seems to have lots of wind that he can't pass, and it seems to really hurt to lie flat - instantly wakes up and screams and aches back as soon as he goes from my lap onto a bed. he will also just as instantly stop crying when picked up - patting him, hushing him or cuddling whilst keeping him lying down seems to have no effect whatsoever!

Have tried cycling his legs, infacol, massaging his tummy etc. Colief seems the best solution, does seem to burp better when he takes it, but its an utter nightmare to administer, sprottling about with expressing, filling tiny bottles with bits of milk and adding drops to that, but 30 mins before he might want feeding, except if he wants feeding earlier or later than my guestimate, then it all goes wrong - ugh!

also have tried to prop cot mattress up with books to make an incline, but as i can;t get him to settle in the cot its hard to tell if it works or not. Have got a sleep positioner thing to make him feel more secure, which helps a tiny bit but not much, swaddling he wriggles out of... once or twice have ended up with him propped up on pillows in my bed which does seem more comfortable for him, but then i have to stay awake and watch him as its not safe...

I will usually try and start getting him towards the bed anywhere between 9pm- midnight, and then the first 2 feeds stay awake as no point in trying to sleep, and then at around 2am trying to sleep myself, and then breast feeding lying down from 2am til 8am, when i get up, give him to dh for a couple of hours, express some milk and have a nap myself blissfully by myself.

So what on earth is going on? how can I get him into a better sleep routine, where he is happy, and i can sleep myself a bit more? i know something has to change, but don't want to do something that might make him even worse/ more upset about the cot (or even just lying besides me not on me!).

More routine? more propping up? making cot more comfy/ inviting with a sheepskin or something? re establishing co sleeping next to me, not on me? feeding spaced out more somehow? more sleep? less sleep? letting him cry even a little bit?... help please!

Could it be silent reflux does he have any of these symptoms

distress during feeding/refusal to feed
OR
comfort feeding/huge weight gains
frequent hiccups which cause distress
breath/vomit smells of acid
coughing/gagging/chewing tongue(this ones due to horrid acid taste in mouth)
appears to be in pain when laid down/on tummy
difficulty swallowing
poor sleeper easily disturbed when sleeping
Arching back

if so you may want to take him to the GP, they may be able to help.

see this link for info on silent reflux

www.sootheyourbaby.com/RefluxInfo.htm#GENERAL_TIPS_FOR_MANAGING_REFLUX

I had similar problems and my little man had to have special prescription milk which set like 'concrete' in his tummy and eased it a little. In the end the best solution for us was to buy a natures nest hammock. Baby is in a slightly reclined position and when they move it gently rocks them back to sleep like in the womb. My baby would sleep really well in it and the more he fidgetted the more it rocked him off. I put him in it til he could turn over in it which was about 9 months (he could turn on the flat but not in this that as it rocks). It's safe upto max weight of 20kgs.
I no longer need this and am going to put it on ebay. I'm new to this site so if you're interested email me [email protected]
Hope you find a solution soon as you need your sleep to be able to give him the best care he and you deserve x.

I have no idea whether this will work for you or not, but we were given a Sleepcurve mattress www.sleepcurve.com/. They are contoured mattresses which are designed to prevent flat heads, but also (relevant to you) be more comfortable for babies lying on their backs, mimic the way a mother holds her child, and generally support the body.

While our baby was in her moses basket on the mattress, she always seemed really comfortable and happy. In fact it was her favourite place to be and she would lie there happily for ages. And when we put her in another baby's basket which also had a Sleepcurve mattress, she started cooing and smiling. She slept brilliantly too while she was in her moses basket (though she's less predictable now!)

You can also get cot toppers from Sleepcurve. They are pricey so it would be worth doing more research to see if it might help with your specific issues. I have no idea whether the mattress helped or whether our lo would have been fine anyway.

Good luck, I'm sure things will be better before you know it, one way or another. He's still so tiny, and I reckon anything goes before six months. I know it's disheartening when everyone else's baby seems to be sleeping well. FWIW I reckon people exaggerate a great deal...

I have been through this with DS, who was very much as you describe yours. I think it's important for your sanity to keep trying different things, but in all honesty if something works you need to accept that it works and do it. It may not have been ideal for me to spend a matter of hours each night, wearing DS in a sling and rocking in front of the cooker hood fan, but it worked so we did it. It won't be like this for long in the grand scheme of things.

And keep repeating "this will pass"

Oh I feel for you. Yes, this will pass. You need to chat to DH and get him on side and try again with the routine and putting him dowm to sl;eep- maybe? Also rwally ask about th ereflux - infant gavison has helped settle my DD who is about same age.

Also, perhaps try again to space out the feeds 0 are you waking him to feed or is he waking you? Can you make it to 3 hours between feeds with games, bath rocking, ride in car or anything?

Sounds tough for you - but take heart and everything might just change overtnmioght agasin the way things tend to with los. Good luck.

I it really sounds like it could be silent reflux - the sleeping on chest, not liking lying flat and sleeping in your arms is a massive clue.

My DS did all of this - reflux peaks around 3-4 months.

Best thing to tackle:

• meds from gp. They'll give gaviscon at first but if it doesn't work push for ranitidine. Better to give if you're BF.
• early bedtime is really important. Try around 6.30pm. A few days of that will cut out the waking after 45 mins.
• simple bedtime routine. Your DH is wrong (sorry), consistency is so important. My DS relaxes during his routine as he knows it's sleep time. Keep it short - quick bath, change, lullabies, feed aiming to be asleep by chosen bedtime.
• naptime routine. Wake your baby up the same time every morning to set their clock (eg 7am). Put down for first nap after they show tired signs (yawning, eye rub). Don't mess about - just get up to room, darken, put in sleepbag if you use and soothe to sleep. Same for next naps.

Adding a bit of structure really helps and consistency signals to your baby what is coming.

My DS has silent reflux and meds made a huge difference. He's still not sleeping through at 8 months but that's life! However early bedtime, the same bedtime and naptime routines and regular naps have really helped.

thanks for all the replies, all very heartening.

last night he did seem to sleep a bit better after 3am in bed with me, as i put a small cushion under his head as well as using the positioner to make him feel safe. He seemed to be more comfy & although feeding just as often, wasnt doubled up in pain after.

i do worry about using a cushion though - goes against all the advice. Can't even tell if it even was the cushion that helped, he could well have tired himself out with the crying before hand!

So am looking into mattress/ hammock bed solution - tempted to buy anything that helps even though am skint, but am worried I'll have just bought something that doesn't even work - i wish you could try before you buy.

Will also take him to the doctors, although am a bit worried about this after several not terribly useful appointments [apparently SPD isn't a big problem and doesn't need treating - even though i ended up on crutches and am still having physio... and also there is no evidence that breast thrush exists, in spite of the fact that my symptoms matched exactly and the out of hours doctor diagnosed it!].

So worried about going about another thing that sounds a bit easy to dismiss/ not provable... he also tends to say 'ask the health visitor' alot.

Have you got any tips about how to get the gp to take it seriously?

oh and two more points i forgot!

totally agree about routine, thankyou! need to work out where to put him down & then get a routine going again. i think i will have to try & do it myself for a while & then 'prove' that its working so get dh to understand its imortance.

and secondly, ds is now bobbing off the breast every few seconds & seems to get windy almost instantly he starts feeding, is this a sign of reflux?

thanks!

aisie yes the feeding thing sounds like reflux or do you have an overactive letdown (i.e your milk shoots out?) - does your DS sometimes choke at the start of a feed? If so, take him off to let the excess milk come out then put him again.

Also feed in a more upright position (so your DS's head is higher than his bum) and try and lean back.

Another tip which really helped was keeping DS upright for 30 minutes after every feed. At night I'd let him sleep on me upright.

Also winding is really important - wind for at least 15/20 minutes. Do it by rubbing, not patting his back. You'll be surprised how many times a burp will come out after 20 mins!

GP - mine didn't take me seriously so I saw three different ones in the practice until one did. The receptionists thought I was mad! A lot of GPs aren't knowledgable about reflux so print out symptoms and ask for the prescription to infant gaviscon. Perhaps see your out of hours doc? Seeing your HV isn't such a bad idea - I think they might be able to get you the prescription.

The moses basket - can you prop it up with books under the basket? We use blocks under one end of our cot here sells them

We also got a wedge which elevated DS's head (placed under his sheet, on top of cot mattress) from here.

As for routine - I would let your baby nap any way possible at roughly same times every day then once you get a routine going, he'll be used to sleeping at those times.

Finally I went against the guidance and put DS to sleep on his left hand side from 3-4 months. Basically he had a choking incident one morning where he was on his back and some acid came up his throat and he couldn't breath. This was what made me realise it was reflux. Like you, I tried propping with a cushion and was really worried. I decided that putting him on his left, with his arm outstretched to stop him rolling onto his face was better. Then at 5/6 months he started rolling himself and started sleeping on his front.

Now he's 8 months and is so much better.

iggybuff will try the long winding & feeding tips thanks.

and a third suggestion of the wedge - wondering which to try first, the wedge, nest or sleepcurve mattress - arrgh too many choices!!!

and gear myself up to see the gp.

Just wondering where you live as you're more than welcome to try the hammock first to see if it works?

I don't know much about silent reflux but I would try a dummy to replace the nipple. If sucking helps to comfort him, it won't do any harm.

Also, some advice I was given was to put baby down before he's tired. How often do you put him down for a sleep in the day?

And everyone is right... it will pass... but you must be really and truly shattered right now and your sleep is important too.

aisie we spent loads on stuff but in the end raising the cot plus medication and militant winding helped most! If your DS has bum wind too, it's worth doing tummy time as part of bedtime - we used to put DS on his front naked before his bath. He loved it, kicking about and it got loads of wind out.

Also what bippy says about a dummy - I sometimes used to give one after a feed as the sucking helps keep things down. I was a judgy anti-dummy mum worried it would mess with BF but it really helped.

Good luck with your GP too.

bev thanks for the offer unfortuneately I'm on London which is a fair leap away! By the way that comment wasn't pointed at you & the hammock, I just fond buying baby stuff so frustrating as things are often only on the Internet & I don't know enough about them to be sure what am buying. Feel slightly rude now!

you can buy infant gaviscon over the counter at the chemist, buy some and have a go.

But if you buy it over the counter, tell them it's for an older child and that he's had it before - they are not allowed to give it to infants (under 1, or 3? Not sure) without prescription

Watch out though, it can give them constipation....helped a lot with my refluxy ds however.

The instructions say to give in a bottle, mixed in with milk, and if bfing to give after the feed in bottle or syringe - I found this impossible but giving it before a b'feed worked fine and the Doc said 'twas ok.

aisiesusie Don't feel bad I didn't take it the wrong way at all! I understand how you feel and would be more than happy for you to try it first if you lived closer.

I really hope for your sanity that you get some sleep soon. I remember how awful it felt and how useless I felt. It's easy to say now (never believed it at the time) but it wiil pass before you know it!