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Original poster

Up 6 or 7 times a night with nearly 4yo. Can't cope with strain on family

30 replies

olivo · 15/05/2010 07:00

Am really hoping that someone may be able to help. Have 9mo who wakes once about 4a.m and 3.9yo whose sleep patterns i can no longer cope with. i have recently gone back to work and am trying to cope on about 41/2 hours of broken sleep. I am just about scraping by but DH is foul when he is tired and this is putting a real strain on us. DD1 is also tired and grumpy.

DD1 goes to bed fine, but wakes any time from about 11, and can be shouting out for up to 3 hours. SHe still gets up at 6ish.

It started after she was poorly on holiday in March and has gone on and on. She has just had chicken pox and so I realise has become used to the attention she was getting in the night. We tried bribes, consequences, wake to sleep, ignoring her (which inevitably woke the baby). On top of this, she often has night terrors which are really distressing.

I have asked my HV for advice; she said she didnt know but would look it up and and get back to me;that was a week ago and i dont hold much hope.

can anyone help?

OP posts:
belgo · 15/05/2010 07:05

No wonder you are tired, it sounds awful. I hate it when my four year old wakes up and cries because she is practically inconsolable and just cries more - extremely frustrating.

What happens if you go into her? Or ignore her? Does she need the toilet when she wakes up - this is the main cause of my dd2 waking up but she is too tired to go to the toilet and that is why she cries.

Can you and dh take it in turns today to get some rest?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/05/2010 07:08

My 3.6 year old is the same, we take turns to do the getting up, actually usually DH gets up in night as he is able to get straight back to sleep and i can't, and I get up really early with her at 5/6 and let him get a few more hours sleep, and he has huge lie-ins at the weekend, although i do spells of sleeping in with her to let him sleep through - one person can't do it all.

lalaa · 15/05/2010 07:16

I think you need to break the cycle. Could she go for a mini break at a helpful Grandparent's house? The change of scene and change of responsible adult, plus the excitement of going on a big girl's holiday might do it. Lots and lots of exercise, and all the classic going to sleep things like bath, warm drink, bedtime story, etc, etc, etc so she feels really safe and secure when she does go to bed.

My dd had night terrors too. They used to last about 2 hours. I don't think there is much you can do about that (and my experience of HVs was much the same as yours, I'm afraid). It will pass, I promise!

Original poster
olivo · 15/05/2010 07:32

thank you for answering, i was afraid people would just say 'get on with it' as various RL friends have implied.

DH does do his best at night but she often won't settle for him and i end up going in afterwards anyway. i am still bf dd2 at night so i always sort her during the night.

she is still in night nappies but i did wonder if it was weeing that was waking her. was intending to try and sort that in the summer, her nappies are still quite full, but maybe we need totackle it sooner ( though its hormone related, isn't it, so if they're not there...?)

we were trying to take it in turns to get up in the mornings but I am coping a bit better at the moment so am trying to let DH sleep when possible( not martyr-ish, actually easier!)
I wondered about one of us staying with her at GPs - sh'es never slept away on her own, not sure that she'd handle it - even just to give the other a break, may ahve to investigate that.

maybe the weather will cheer up and we can get outside more; because of her spots, she cant do her usual swimming though we have a big walk every weekend, and she should be knackered from nursery!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/05/2010 07:53

I think there is hope if she USED to sleep fine, that it is just a phase. DD has NEVER slept.

I wish I could offer some more practical advice!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/05/2010 07:57

If you have any spare cash then we used Millpond sleep clinic and they recommended the gradual withdrawal method. It and they were a godsend.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/05/2010 07:57

They also have a book.

sarah293 · 15/05/2010 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belgo · 15/05/2010 10:10

I second the idea of her going to her grandparents for the night - and if the grandparents are happy with it, let her stay there on her own. A different 'authority' figure and a different scene might change her sleeping patterns, even for just that night, and then you your dh will have had a break.

Original poster
olivo · 15/05/2010 16:54

thank you. i may try the gps - she has never stayed away from home on her own before, not sure how well it'll go down but def worth a try. the alternative is that DH goes too, and i get a break,only getting up once ( hopefully) with dd2, then the next night he stays there alone.

DD2 is now ill so looks like we're in for a real treat tonight

Have heard of the millpond clinic - we're not in Uk so not really any good to us but wi8ll definitely look out for their book.

we've been ou t on the beach all afternoon so am praying that she wakes less tonight.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2010 17:01

In the same 'drastic solutions' vein, as you sound desperate, could she come and sleep in your room on a put up bed / mattress? Just to see if she sleeps any better. If you do start getting some sleep you can worry about getting her back in her own room then

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2010 17:03

You could even treat it as a game - a couple of days camping at home (have camping food, do holiday type activites, all sleep in sleeping bags) so that if it doesn't work you can at least put her back in her own room with an excuse iyswim.
Feel free to at me - I am very creative with other people's children, not so good with my own.

Original poster
olivo · 15/05/2010 17:10

good idea actually SPB. may try that whrn dd2 is better.

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/05/2010 17:12

Millpond did all of our consultations over the phone, so could be worth trying them.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 15/05/2010 17:19

We went through a stage of this with DD when she was 3.6 and can only tell you what we did and you can decide if you think it would work for you.

We decided that we would just have her in bed with us. It took the stress out of bedtime completly(sp) and she stayed in our bed for about 6 weeks. I would ask her each night where she wanted to sleep and just say OK when she said she wanted to sleep with us and kept it very low key.

She goes for a sleep over at my mums most saturday nights and one sunday when she came back and I asked her where she wanted to sleep she just decided on her own that she wanted to go in her own bed. She has been there ever since and she is now 3.10

I put a bed up in our bedroom pushed up next to our bed and though she didn't want to sleep in it and wanted to be actually in our bed, it at least meant that if she was wriggling on the night and disturbing our sleep eith me or DH could move over and have a bit more room.

I don't know if that helps

Good luck with whatever you decide to try.

Original poster
olivo · 15/05/2010 19:59

thank you BBT. something else to consider, definitely. we could certainly put a makeshift bed together - she wouldn't fit in ours as dd2 regularly sleeps in with us!

am off to check out millpond if they're online!

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 17/05/2010 14:31

how are you getting on Olivio?

Original poster
olivo · 17/05/2010 18:47

not very well BBT. DD has been awake for several hours during each of the last two nights, including a huge meltdown each time.I'm afraid to say that i ended up shouting at her, which i know did no good but i am just so tired. DD2 has been ill this weekend too.
DH is away tonight so will at least get some sleep.
I'm really not sure where to go from here, keep on just hoping it will get better but realistically, i'm going to have to do something.

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 17/05/2010 19:05

oh no I tell you i know why they use sleep depravation as a form of torture as it really is hell. I sorry things are so tough. I'm not really sure what else to suggest sorry.

DO NOT beat yourself up about shouting at her. It gets to the point sometimes where you just can't help it.

Maybe someone else will come along and offer some more advice in a bit. Its just about finding a way though that works for you all which is not easy.

Original poster
olivo · 17/05/2010 19:21

thanks BBT. I'm spending the evening without DH reading the NCSS for preschoolers and toddlers! and then moving on to supernanny! I really appreciate the advice i've been given, and there are so many good ideas, i just can't summon up the energy to try

OP posts:
MojoLost · 17/05/2010 19:32

I know this sounds like the wrong way out, but when this happened with DS1, I slept with him for about 3 nights, and after that he calmed down, I recon he was scared about something (he has very delayed speech so cannot really explain things to me)

LillianGish · 17/05/2010 20:05

I second what brokenbanana said. We had a similar problem with dd at the same age. The sleep deprivation was killing me so in the end we played musical beds whereby she'd come in our bed and one of us would invariably go in her bed (usually dh)so we all got some sleep. Everyone told me I was making a rod for my own back, but she stopped of her own accord. The thing is when your in the midddle of a phase like this it feels like it's going to go on forever, of course it won't. I'd just do whatever it takes to get some sleep for now - you'll feel so much better. Good luck.

Original poster
olivo · 18/05/2010 13:24

thanks everyone. seems like there is no point trying to improve it right now as she is ill again. not sure how much longer i can cope with all this, but then again, nothing much else i can do but get on with it.

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 21/05/2010 09:48

How are things Olivio?

bippyhippy · 21/05/2010 15:26

I was just emailed this article - How to solve bedtime battles

I don't suppose it helps with your problem exactly as it's a different issue but it might give you some ideas.

Sorry, I can't think of anything else...

Good luck. My hubby is like yours on no sleep so I totally sympathise!

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