Is it time to be tough mummy?

[NobbyD]

My ds is 22 months. He's never been a great sleeper and have posted on here many times about it. But recently it seems to be getting worse and I don't know what to do!

I am sure it is coinciding with the dreaded molers, but it seems ds will only sleep if I am cuddling him.

We now have a two-hour battle on our hands to get him to go to bed at 7. He will call for mummy, thrash around, scream, cry until I go in. And then he isn't content with me just being there I have to cuddle him. He actually gets out of bed and will jump on me. I've tried to be tough and just say goodnight and walk out but this wil go on for 2 or more hours.

He then wakes consistently through the night and we'll have to do the same battle over again. I do give milk every time he wakes (and have been told I shouldn't) but it used to work in getting him to settle but now even that doesn't work. He'll drink it, be drowzy but then wake and yell for mummy as soon as I put him down.

I'm getting about 3 hours sleep a night at the moment and am so tired! I work full time and am struggling to cope.

I have tried all the usual medicines but nothing works. It seems he just wants me to hug him all night.

Does this mean its time to get tough and just leave him to it until he learns I won't do it?

It does sound as if it is time to get a little tough, otherwise you will still be doing this when he is 5! You could do a gradual retreat type thing though, couldn't you, so that you are not just abandoning him. Sit by the cot with him, stroking him etc, until he falls asleep, constantly reassuring him that you are right by him - then gradually reduce the contact every few nights (so you are just sitting by cot/moving away from cot/sitting near door/finally moving out of the room). You have to get bedtime right in order to get the rest of the night right - I guess it's not surprising that he wakes in the night expecting the same from you that he got at bedtime (milk/cuddles etc ...).

This gradual retreat type thing definitely works with younger children (it did with my nightmare sleeper DS aged 9 months) and I don't see why it shouldn't be successful with slightly older children -I guess the only prob is that he is so much stronger/bigger/more verbal so you will have to be more forceful about insisting that he stays in his bed ... worth a try though? If he has never been a good sleeper this will prob be a better method than just leaving him to cry much more. I am having similar probs with my 2.5 year old DS (posted on here earlier - arrgh) but he has been a very good sleeper (after his early nightmarishness) so with him it seems to be more of a wierd blip that I just need to knock on the head ...

Thanks RooTwo,

We had another bad night last night. He went to bed OK (but I did give him medicine as he had been chewing his hands and knawing at stuff) but woke by 11. I got him down OK then but he woke again at 2pm and we did 2 hours of screaming.

I have tried to do the gradual thing. But trouble is he just wont lie down and will throw himself off the bed and at me so he will be cuddled. Last night I did an hour of putting him back in bed and trying to get him to lay down, but he just jumped straight back at me (maybe should put the cot sides back up!).

Dp took over after an hour and it got worse. He (ds that is) just kept screaming for mummy, constantly. Dp would put him in bed say goodnight and walk out. Ds would get up and bang on the door. This was repeated for an hour before I took over. As soon as I went in the room he jumped on me for hug but I told him to lie down and I would lie with him. He must have been exhausted because he did it. I kept my hand on his back for a while but he was asleep fairly soon after.

I'm not sure if we achieved anything by that or not! Guess we will wait to see what happens tonight.

Needless to say though - we are all exhausted!

Have you tried getting up with him for an hour and seeing if he settles. I used to get up with mine and get a cup of tea, give them a weetabix and drink, put the tele on low, low lighting and settle down and relax. Maybe not ideal but much better than fighting with a reluctant sleeper for hours. I usually found that once they settled they then slept until morning. Up for an hour or two in the night became part of the daily (as in 24hrs) routine for a while. They grew out of it.

hanks again for the replies.

Juuuie - I have brought him downstairs before when he hasn't settled at bedtime. Kept him up until 9.30 when he was begging to be taken back to bed. But he still woke at 12 and then 2 and then 4. So wasn't a success really. And in the night, its not that he doesn't want to sleep, he just wants to sleep on me!

threelittlepebbles - I have read that article before and applied the method when ds was about 14 months old. It did work for a while. Now he's back being worse than ever and it is probably my fault for giving in to milk and/or cuddles when I thought it was teeth and he just needed extra comfort.

I have given calpol, nurofen in the night when I think its pain but I'm at the point where I can't tell anymore. He screams for me (only me) and will only stop when I cuddle him. I would assume that he wold continue to cry if he was in pain?

I have been going with the flow as it were with the mindset that this is just another phase and I should give him what he wants for a while til it passes, but its been going on 2 months now and I'm exhausted from having him lying on me to go to sleep. This is why I'm not sure if I should be tough or not... I hate hearing him scream for mummy and get all worked up and think I should just go to him and cuddle him but then that means I don't sleep. If I thought that a short cuddle would get him to sleep and then I can go back to bed, it wouldn't be bothering me. Its when I cuddle for near half hour, put to bed and he waked up and cries again - I can't leave!

Phew - you can tell I'm all in a muddle with no sleep!

Nobbyd, this column might help. It is by Dr Tanya Byron and although it concerns a 4 yo it may still help you decide if getting tough is what you want to do.

OhSheesh thanks for the article link - I actually read that one in the paper last week and thought it was similar.

Not sure if it will work as ds still a little too young for reward and consequence.

After another terrible nights sleep I am desperate. He woke at 11am and didn't go back down until 3pm! Then he woke at 5.30am for the day. Am so totally exhausted its not funny and so emotional. Am sitting here at work wanting to crawl under the table and cry!

I just wish I knew how to resolve this. The tough love isn't working - after 4 hours of trying we gave in and gave milk but that still didn't get him to sleep and had to pin him down on bed and cuddle for another half hour!

Would he sleep if in bed with you or dp?
What if you got in his bed with him until he goes to sleep?

juuule - I did put him in bed with me last night after giving nurofen (as he just wasn't settling at all after 2 hours of trying) but he went mad. He kept pointing to his room, then if I tried to take him in there he cried and wanted to come in bed with me. This went on for half hour before I made the decision to keep him in his room.

I do lie with him for AGES and wait for him to fall asleep but as soon as I move, he is awake. Or as soon as I am back in my bed he is awake and crying for me again.

If I could be 100% certain that it is just attention he wants and he isn't in pain or discomfort from teething then I would shut the door and leave him to it. But part of me worries that it is the wrong thing to do if he is in pain.

It seems all my usual "tricks" of getting him to sleep aren't working anymore

The molars have been giving my DS pain for over a year now. We've just got the last two to pop through the gum and then it's over. It really is quite awful.

He was never an easy sleeper. As an infant if not fed to sleep he would scream for over an hour. Around 22 months I cut out feeding to sleep but then it had to be cuddles. Many times we tried leaving him to it but he just wasn't ready. He'd cry without slowing or stopping and that wasn't fun for anyone. Last week we gave him going to sleep on his own a go and it worked. He's 3.2 now and has bed, story, sleep on his own. When they're ready, it's easy.

When cuddled to sleep he would go down easier for his dad. His dad could go in there with the laptop and not have his evening ruined (it's what he would be doing if I were doing bedtime). If I tried it DS would just muck about. I had to lie still in the dark and issue decrees: "No more wiggling, no more talking. If you don't stop X I am leaving."

Just wanted to send you some hugs and my sympathies. Realy hope being tough with him works xxxxx