Nightmare at bedtime!

[Imelda]

My ds has always been quite a good sleeper, but everything went downhill when he went into a bed. (we moved him out of the cot as he'd started climbing out - he simultaneously rejected his grobag). I feel partly to blame as I had started to stay with him for 5 minutes or so giving him a cuddle on my knee until I felt him start to yawn which was my cue to put him into the cot. Now he's in the bed he demands "cuddle" when I take him into his bedroom. He seems to be taking a really long time to wind down (we have bed,story, milk) routine every day, which he loves, and every time i go to make a move he goes off on one and demands another cuddle. I work full-time and I know deep down that it is because I feel guilty about not being there during the day that I allow him to demand this "time" with me when he goes to bed. If I go downstairs and shut the stair gate he just screams for me. I just don't have the heart to let him cry, and then I get worried he's going to make mischief upstairs some time.
Does anyone have a suggestion for me - also I have just been traumatised by another discussion thread about milk at bedtime - as ds is allowed to take his beaker (anyway up style) of milk to bed with him - aaarrrggghhh - so I need to get him out of that habit as well. My husband and I used be very spoilt and had him in bed asleep by 7 most nights, but now it's never before 9, and I am starting to feel pretty low about it.
thanks, Imelda

I don't really know what to say, but I do have one possible theory. Does your son still have naps during the day? Maybe he just isn't tired enough??
Whatever you do though, don't beat yourself up about 'your time' with him or the milk, see back to that thread.

I think lots of people have problems when moving their children into a bed, especially if it's earlier than you wanted due to trying to escape from cot. Dd1 was terrible for ages, always getting up and coming downstairs.

I can sympathise with what you say about letting him have an extra cuddle - maybe you could try letting him have his beaker of milk with you with an extra cuddle, before you move into his bedroom? This would then separate the bed part of his night routine and make it seem more final. After that I think you've got to harden your heart and make sure he knows it's bedtime and you're not going to budge.

Maybe also start off by having bedtime later (around 9) when you know he's tired, so there'll be less of a struggle and then gradually move it earlier every night or so by about 15 mins. Also check on time of day time nap, it might be too near bedtime or too long??

Sorry, have waffled on, just a few ideas, hope there is something useful here! PS, I knew someone called Imelda at uni, I wonder if it's you?? (There can't be that many Imelda's around!)

i think you're right about hardening my heart. also - maybe i should start to discuss this with him in the day-time - so it is not so much of a surprise at night-time when i start coming on heavy! i have always been a bit soft with him since i went back to work full time - i know for a fact that if i was at home with him all dayi wouldn't stand this nonsense at bed time!
with your daughter, when did she start going to bed in a sensible fashion?
also - how on earth can i start insisting that he clean his teeth properly, without a temper tantrum and not get him all worked up again so near to his bed-time?
i was at uni at bristol - studied languages - do you still think i'm the same person?

Imelda, yes I'm now almost certain you're the same person! I also did langs at Bristol (left in 1989)! Parli italiano? Anch'io! (That's about all I remember). If you like, contact me via the contact another talker link above and we could exchange news.

In answer to your question, dd1 is still terrible about going to bed (age 4)!! She's a bit hyper and needs to be absolutely exhausted before going to sleep. However, once asleep, she usually stays that way.

Teeth cleaning is also a nightmare - think there are some other threads on here about tactics!

Imelda - how old is your DS? I am having the same trouble with mine (age 3.5) who used to be out like a light when he was in his cot - he'd be asleep by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs. Now he will keep me running up and down stairs for half an hour after he's been put to bed if I let him , demanding cuddles, drink, tissue, need to say goodnight etc etc. I've decided he is just being manipulative ("yanking my chain" as a friend described it!) and try:
a) to make sure he has everything he could possibly need before I leave the room
b) explain to him that we will have one big cuddle and that will be it
c) leave the room after that cuddle no matter how much he wails and don't go back for another 5 minutes, by which time he has either gone to sleep or is quickly pacified by one further appearance by me and a "night night".

Have to say that it's all a lot easier when he hasn't had a sleep in the day (altho the afternoons certainly aren't!).

he is 2 1/2 but the behaviour you are describing sounds exactly the same as your ds. last night i gave him a cuddle for 5 mins and then left the room. he cried immediately, i gave him 5 mins, then went back in to give another cuddle for 2 minutes, then left, same thing all over again, then all went quiet and i went upstairs 20 mins later (after tim henman had won!!) and he had flooded the bathroom floor playing with the sink and toilet flush...................
i was v stern, put him back to bed, quick cuddle, and then he WENT TO SLEEP. and so, i might add, so did i- immediately after.
all very well but this SURELY is a phase, isn't it, and he'll grow out of it soon. my mum said, whatever you do, don't let him come downstairs. and from now on cuddles only last 5 mins. i only hope we have a house left by the time he learns that goodnight is goodnight

For the tooth brushing thing pretending to find things as i brush, like monsters and spiders and silly things as im looking in their mouth really helps...just thought id add that!

Not sure if this would help, but does he like music and/or story tapes (nursery rhymes etc)?

A small 'kids style' cassette recorder, real that is, not pretend, (Argos/Index?). Put tape on when you both go in then say you are leaving but he can still listen to tape a little longer. Let it run at a quiet setting (the recorder that has auto reverse and switches to other side itself is best). He may feel a sense of security and get some enjoyment (not to mention the learning experience - I used to record onto a tape and play it back when I was studying Latin/Greek, always found it useful - he might get to know the songs/stories quicker) from it and/or if nothing else it might just relax him enough to fall over to sleep himself.

Hope you find something useful from the posts.