baby won't co-sleep - help!

[walkingaround]

Hello, my first post, but in real need of advice from co-sleepers.

DD1 is 5 months, but was premature, so is equivalent of a three and a half month old. For the first few months of her life ? after a horrible 5-week hospital stay and terrible reflux ? she slept upright in our arms (or in the arms of visiting grandmas).

Now, she only naps during the day in the sling on long walks (exhausting). At night, she sleeps swaddled in an "arms reach co-sleeper" beside us.

I REALLY believe in the bonding benefits of sharing a family bed. I would LOVE her to nap next to me during the day and sleep in with me at night. (She is exclusively breastfed) But when I have attempted to bring her in with me, she flaps, wriggles, seems not to sleep at all. Every time she stirs (seemingly every five mins) I offer the boob (although I'm not brilliant at feeding lying down) and she ends up eating all night and being sick in the bed, needing to be upright burping and, hardly sleeping. In the morning, she looks shattered.

By contrast, when swaddled in the co-sleeper she often (not always) sleeps lovely long stretches. But I end up with horribly engorged boobs and something doesn't feel right.

Anyone else with experience of this? How can I help her settle in with me? Or does it just take time?

Thanks

Sounds to me like she's happier sleeping in her co-sleeper. If it were me I would go with that (we co-slept for the first few weeks, then DD went into her moses basket, and then cot as she prefers her own space and sleeps better that way).

If she's hungry she'll wake for a feed wherever she is, and after a few engorged nights your boobs will adjust to how much she's actually taking and you'll feel more comfortable (you might want to sleep on a towel in the meantime if you're leaking a lot).

I am not a regular co sleeper (and then out of necessity rather than real desire) so probably not the best person to advise but I would just let her sleep in the co sleeper and enjoy the space and the sleep - she's not far away after all

If she has reflux she probably won't be comfortable feeding lying down atm anyway.

Your boobs will settle down and as long as she is gaining weight well she will be ok without so many night feeds.

If you really want her in with you though, then how about swaddling her when she's in your bed? Would have to be very lightweight covers I guess but might stop the flapping?

Why don't you just follow her lead and do what makes her happy?

greensnail - thanks so much for very reassuring advice
mrsjuan - thanks so much as well, you're so right, she's not far away
withorwithout - exactly! I know I'm bonkers wanting to move her when she's happy in her co-sleeper. I think I've got a bit obsessed with bonding issues (I was separated from her during her horrible five-week hospital stay in v old-fashioned hospital outside the UK). I also just read a brilliant book on co-sleeping and hanker after a picture of nighttime bliss with whole family snoring together. (we do all snore together when she's in the co-sleeper, so I think I need to just chill on this one....) Still pining for 100% nighttime closeness....

Well when she can roll and crawl she will probably come right on over

Don't sweat it, honestly you are doing totally the right thing by following her cues.

I do know what you mean though. DD has slept beautifully in her cot in her own room since 6 months but I do sometimes yearn to have her in with us. Whenever she's done it though she's spent the entire time giggling and clambering over us and no one gets any sleep

Don't worry, you will have 100% family closeness when she is older.

You will lie there, awake, not daring to move lest you wake the snoring toddler fast asleep diagonally across the bed with her feet resting on your ear, laughing softly (and slightly hysterically) to yourself at the memory of wanting closeness

The best thing you can do to bond with your baby is ensure you all get as much sleep as possible to bond during the day IMO.

My DS doesn't sleep with us either . Sometimes I really wish he could. But whenever we bring him into our bed, even in the middle of the night when he's definitely sleepy, he thinks it's playtime and starts to climb over us and crawl around. He would lie down, but after a few seconds of turning and tossing is playing again.
He's slept in a bedside cot since birth and I'd only managed to get him to sleep with me for the last couple of hours in the mornings on a pillow with boob in mouth up until he was 4-5 months and rolling over. I can't get him to sleep with me now , even when feeding, as he spends at most 10-15 minutes on the breast now.
Even now, when we're having horrible night-time sleep problems, I can't get him to sleep next to me. If anyone can offer any suggestions, I'd most appreciate it! I'm shattered and would rather sleep with him kicking me, than not sleep at all .

DS2 never slept in our bed as a baby. His older siblings did, and it suited me as I'm too lazy to get up and put them back in the cot after a feed. But DS2 liked his space, and just couldn't sleep in with us.

When he was 18 months we left all 3 DCs in the care of a friend while we went to a wedding and stayed overnight. I was when we got back and found out that DS2 had shared the bed with our (staunch co-sleeping) friend!

He is now 3 and a half and a very regular visitor to our bed. Which is all by way of reassuring you, as others have already, that it may come later.

withorwithout - you're v kind, good point, thanks! at your DD
tethersend - I love that image, can't wait! And you're absolutely right about daytime bonding. Wise words
elk - I'm with you on this one!
purpleturtle - look forward to her reaching three and a half...

Thanks everyone - I feel so boosted by your posts. Really appreciate your replies

If it makes you feel better, a side-car arrangement still counts as co-sleeping, even if you're not cuddled up together.

Also, the FSIDS says no to co-sleeping with babies born before 37 weeks (but they don't say for how long that elevated risk factor applies, annoyingly) - caused me great distress when I realised that as my DD is slightly premature.

Swaddling also not recommended for co-sleeping, btw...

(I know, I know - all the guidelines have been driving me crazy - think I've broken every single one without meaning to...)