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my 2 year and 9 month old wakes up every night

14 replies

GabrieleJ · 04/03/2010 08:23

My almost 3 year old daughter wakes up every night. She wont go back to sleep on her own, me or my husband just sits in her room at the end of her bed on a floor until she falls asleep. Sometimes it takes so long one of us ends up sleeping on her bedroom floor. sometimes she'll go back to sleep in 5mins. When she wakes up she cries, but calms down as soon as sees you. I don't give her a lot of comforting, kiss and back to bed then sit and wait for her to fall asleep if I try to leave the room she'll start screaming... I don't know if we're doing the right thing, and what should we do cos it's exhausting...

OP posts:
RuthChan · 04/03/2010 18:59

It is really important that she learns to go to sleep on her own. Until then, she is going to continue like this forever.
One method you could use is the gradually extending how long she waits for you one.
Usually this is done by waiting before going to see her when she wakes up. You wait one minute the first night, two minutes the second, three minutes the third etc.
In the end she will fall asleep while waiting for you because she knows you are coming at some point.

GabrieleJ · 04/03/2010 19:12

The problem is the longer we leave it the more stressed she gets, she'll start to cry out louder and louder or get out of bed... The other thing is it started recently she used to wake up we'd tuck her in and she'd go back to sleep on her own... I'm worried that she's scared of something... I just don't know. Thank you for advice we'll have to do baby steps I guess

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Rockdoctor · 05/03/2010 17:53

You're not alone.... My 2yr old is exactly the same and I am expecting another so really need to get this sorted.

Spoke to the health visitor the other week and she basically said the same as RuthChan - the problem is that they haven't learned to go to sleep on their own and until they do then this behaviour will continue.

I don't know about you, but our daughter doesn't settle herself at bedtime either as we have nearly always sat with her until she drops off. The advice we got was to try and tackle the issue at bedtime first. The theory is that once she has learned to settle herself at bedtime she should be able to do it through the night. Of course this may not apply to you, but if it does it may be a slightly easier option.

callmeovercautious · 05/03/2010 18:07

We had/Have this with DD who is 3.5 but with some advice this is now improving. This is what we have done (and still are working on).

Basically we used to stay in her room until she fell asleep at bedtime so that when she woke in the night she needed us to get back to sleep.

We were advised to do gradual withdrawal and so each night or every few nights at bedtime we got further and further away. It took 2 weeks to be able to sit out of her sight. Then after a week of that I told her I was going to make Daddys Dinner and that I would come back and check on her later.

I do go back after 15 mins or so but she is always asleep and as a consequence her night time waking has gone from 6 nights out of 7 to just 1 or 2.

Also now if she does wake at night she settles back down with hardly any trouble and we get to hop back into bed quite quickly.

We also have a reward system - she gets a coin in her money box each morning that she has slept through - we make sure she has enough so on a Saturday she can buy a little treat e.g a comic or 1 weeks she wanted a little doll. Max per week is about £2 but my Mum and Sister pop coins in too which boosts her savings

Your DD might be happy with stickers etc instead but DD has got bored of them!

Hope you work it out

GabrieleJ · 05/03/2010 18:09

Thank you, don't mean it in a horrible way but it's nice to know that other people go through similar things...

Will have to be strong but it breaks my hear when she cries...

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GabrieleJ · 05/03/2010 18:14

callmeovercautious that was my plan, but when my hubby wakes up at night he sleep next to her. I keep telling him not to, but he will stop for few night and start again... He doesn't c her during the week cos he works late most of the time and misses her... don't know how to explain that he's doing a wrong thing to him in a nice way, he gets really defensive...

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Melissa123 · 08/03/2010 12:12

This reply has been deleted

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BertieBotts · 08/03/2010 13:14

I do have to disagree with this idea that you "must" teach children to sleep or they will never learn by themselves - of course they will, eventually. The only problem is it can take years, so I don't blame you for wanting to help her along a bit. My method isn't as quick as the controlled crying type method, but it might be more for you if you don't want to listen to her cry.

I don't know her level of understanding or how much language she has to tell you what is going on, but can you try to find out what is waking her? It could be something physical, thirst, hunger, cold, being aware that she needs a wee - or something in her mind, nightmares, waking up a bit and being scared because it is darker than when she fell asleep, wanting to know that you are close. (Don't ask her directly if she is scared at night, because if she is not, it's not a good idea to introduce the idea IYSWIM - just have a little chat with her about dreaming and night time and how dreams are nice and she might tell you what she does dream about)

If you find out what it is she is waking for, and it's something physical, then that is easily fixed/pre-empted like an extra blanket she can pull up if she is cold or a beaker of water by her bed. If it is something more psychological like a fear of the dark, or of being alone, or of monsters or bad dreams, then you can work with her to develop coping strategies so that she can go back to sleep by herself. Explain that you are just down the hall and that you are not going anywhere. Perhaps get her a nice nightlight - let her help choose. Nominate a teddy to be on "monster guard", or make up a "monster spray", or get DH to scare all the monsters away so that they never come back. Let her pick a favourite teddy or doll to cuddle if she feels lonely, or you might be able to do something like put "spare kisses" (invisible!) under her pillow when you put her to bed so if she wakes in the night and feels lonely she can reach for one and feel comforted. Or try introducing a sleep cue like a particular piece of music (a musical lullaby toy meant for babies' cots with a single push-button operation is best) as she falls asleep when you are there at the start of the night, that she can put on herself if she wakes in the night.

You can also explain to her what is expected of her at night. Toddlers like structure and schedules, and knowing what happens next. Make it into a fun activity - make a book together or a poster, with clear symbolic images or cut out photos of her doing each stage. Include all the steps in her normal bedtime routine, and then after that put a step or a page saying something like "If DD wakes up in the night, she can have a drink of water, cuddle her teddy and turn on her music box, then snuggle down in bed, close her eyes and wait for morning" and finally a page or a box showing the morning, being bright and sunny and her waking up or you waking her up, whatever normally happens. Then put the poster up in her bedroom where she can see it or read the book with her every night/day.

You may find at first that she still wakes in the night but you can then point to the poster or just remind her of the page in the book "DD, when you wake at night you can turn on your music box and snuggle up in bed." You or DH can sit at the end of her bed, but after a few nights tell her "I am still here. I am going to sit on this chair where you can see me. You snuggle down in bed." and sit where she can see you, but as far away from the bed as possible, until she is asleep. When she is happy with this, tell her "I am going to sit by the door, just out of sight. I am still here. You snuggle down in bed now." You may have to make reassuring noises at first so that she knows you are there (and also, don't let her sit up to see that you are there, keep telling her to lie down) then when she is used to that, sit just outside the door, go back in if she cries and reassure her, shhh, time to sleep now, I am just outside the door, I am not going anywhere. Once she is used to this and doesn't cry for you to come back in, then you should be able to close the door and leave her, and after a while of this, you may even be able to just go up to her door and say "Time to go to sleep DD. Put your music box on." or whatever sleep cue you have decided to use. Eventually, she should be able to get herself back to sleep, with props or not, and then hopefully she should start sleeping through.

Good luck!

BertieBotts · 08/03/2010 13:16

Although, having just read your more recent post, if your DH is happy to sleep next to her for the time being, I don't think there is any harm in that. She will grow out of it when she is ready and he is getting to spend more time with her - albeit when she is asleep!

julie549 · 10/03/2010 12:40

same here my 20 month old goes to bed at 8 alone which is good but he still wakes up crying in the middle of the nite and he wont go back of unless he has a drink how do i stop him from waking up and wanting a drink

BertieBotts · 10/03/2010 20:05

Julie have you tried leaving him a beaker of water next to his bed or in his cot, so he can get the drink himself? Of course he might still be too young to understand this. But worth a try?

sorryimlate · 10/03/2010 22:31

I also agree with Bertie that there maybe something bothering her, like dreams, funny shapes, shadows etc. There's another sleep thread on that where I described what we do when we think she's getting a bit too accustomed to night time parties in whoever's bed:

Say we will lie with dd2 (2y10m) for one minute and then need to go check dinner/tidy up/have a wee/any excuse, but ask her to stay in her bed because we're coming back in two minutes. Then do your 'task' go back, and sit for one minute, make another excuse, and go again, then come back etc etc etc until eventually a)they know you are not going to desert them and b)they are asleep when you go back in.

This seems to help with the night waking too as her problem is definitely a general desire to have someone with her all the time, although she has nightmares sometimes too and I'm not sure what to do about those.

It has not helped that dd1 (10) will haul dd2 out of her bed in the dead of the bloody night and put her in dd1's bed if she fancies a snuggle , but if dd2 gets in with her and wriggles, she comes marching into our room complaining!!! we've told them they can share a bed at weekends now.

GreenMonkies · 10/03/2010 22:42

I'm sorry, but you don't have to "tackle" this, there is no need for tears, and when I read the thread title my first thought was "and?"

I haven't "trained" my girls to fall asleep by themselves, but guess what, they will do it!! DD1 is now 6½ and DD2 is 3½ and DD1 falls asleep by herself quite happily, and DD2 will do it now and then too.

Be gentle with her, comfort her, she's only a baby still really, and it shouldn't surprise anyone that if she wakes up alone in the dark she'll want someone to help her re-settle. As for why she wakes, well, because she's a small child. They often wake in the night. It's what they do. And comforting them and settling them back off to sleep is what we, their parents, are supposed to do, it's our job.

She'll grow out of it, you won't be doing this when she's 15, or 10, or even 5, so just cuddle her, help her get back off to sleep and this phase will pass........

bbcwomen · 17/03/2010 14:30

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