Can anyone advise me how to sort out toddler's sleep issues?

[Somethingwicked]

Hi,

I really need some help getting my toddler to sleep better at night. Any advice or illuminating observations greatly appreciated as I can't figure out what (if anything) is going wrong.

She is 28 months and is generally a happy girl. She can be quite serious and is known for being shy when in big groups, but I think this is more because she is mistaken for an older child quite often. She is very ahead for her age with talking (she has been using full sentences since she was about 13months and adults often ask her what year she is in at school!). Her emotional development is probably just as normal, though she is sensitive and empathetic. She doesn't cry much in the daytime and very very rarely has tantrums.

She also has two younger siblings (twins) who are 6 months. She is very affectionate and maternal towards them.

She has always been a difficult sleeper and regular night waker. She was breastfed until she was about 17 months. After this there was a window when she stopped waking at night. Then she moved out of a cot into a bed before the twins were born, as I anticipated that I would not be able to lift her after a c-section. She began sleeping all over her room on the floor and often ending up in our bed.

A couple of months ago she figured out how to open the doors, and since then she has been bedhopping and waking several times every night. At the moment I am sleeping in the twins' room and she is, more often than not, ending up either with me or with DH in our bed.

She does love her room though and always takes her friends and our guests up there to show it off.

She is always distressed when she wakes in the night and I know that letting her sleep wherever she wants is making things worse, but I can't see a way to get her happier in her own room. I really want her back in there so that I can move back into my own bed! (And also I want her to be happier and more settled at night of course).

I don't know whether to move her bed completely into the twins' room and have all three in there, or just give up and cosleep completely or something else- perhaps a stair gate on her doorway, but this would cause major hysteria, so I'm not keen really.

As you can see I am a bit confused. Am waking many times a night with twins anyway so dealing with her at night is just too much for me at the moment.

Looking back over this it seems fairly obvious that the twins' arrival has unsettled her and forced her into a relatively grown up role too quickly for her own comfort. I am sure this is partly the case but even if it is I don't know what to do about it.

Fixing sleep problems is tough! I've had some challenges with my DC's. seen a couple of sleep consultants and read alot of books but unfortunately every child is different and nothing works for everyone!! Here are some thoughts....

Taking time out to decide what you want to do and making a plan in stages if required will help you mentally and allow you to see some progress. Decide what you would be happy with in the short term and work towards the end goal of having her in sleep in her own bed all night. Discuss your strategy with your DH - will probably need alot of input from him (even though he has to go to work and might suffer if he's tired, so do you!!). Remind yourselves of your goals if its not going well, discuss your strategy every night before bed time, with yourselves and your DD so everyone knows what to expect and what the response will be if X happens. Getting DC's to understand and buy into the sleep rules is an important part of it. (getting them to draw pictures and explain the rules can work).

You are probably right about the fact that her changing where she sleeps is making her more wakeful in the night. Good sleep seems to follow from good sleep - its just getting the first bit of sleep that's the tricky bit.

At her age, she can probably understand and will probably respond to a grown up explaination as to why she should practice sleeping in one place. Eg explaining that she will feel better / grow / play etc if she sleeps better during the night and Mummy and Daddy are more fun too when they are less tired! If you subscribe to positive reinforcement (bribery!) rewards can be effective.

A spare roll up futon might be a useful tool. Either to use for your DH to sleep on in her room while she gets used to going back to sleep in her room, this might allow her to get back to sleep before she wakes completely. Or you could put the futon into your bedroom and allow her to sleep on that, giving her her own but seperate space in your bedroom.

I wonder if allowing her into the twins bedroom might not be more distruptive to her. You probably have already explained but worth reinforcing that when she was a baby you used to sleep with her too and the DTs will learn to sleep on their own in time.

Telling her (though not at the same time as discussing sleep) that even though you have two more children, it doesn't mean you love her any less, it just means there are more people to love and that Mummys and Daddys are programmed to love their DC's more that we ever believed possible. (A real tear jerker but worked wonders with my DD after DS2 was born!)

Other thoughts:
Sleep buddies / worry dolls could also help. Someone to talk to and agree that they will help eachother to stay in bed. Someone to find in the night, roll over and go back to sleep.
Put a night light in her room so she is not worried, leave the door open so she can get out if she needs to but a monitor to call DH if she needs a cuddle with rewards if she manages to stay in her bed / go back to bed.

Stages might be, goes back to bed once, goes back each time, goes back every time before her timed light comes on, stays in her bed and calls DH, calls DH and is reassured on talk back monitor, stays in bed all night. Any behaviour change will take time and persistance so keep the faith and remember that you are doing something that is good for the whole family!

Good Luck!!

Thank you so much for that Deidre- really insightful and helpful advice and you have given me a lot of time- I really appreciate it. Reading your post made me realise that we have still really been treating her sleep issues as though she were a baby- saying 'we are just going to have to let her cry it out when we can face it' and similar sorts of things, whereas there are lots of more advanced ways of dealing with things as you suggest. Also, I have never really made a specific point of explaining why I sleep with the twins for some reason- I will do that tomorrow and start with some of your good ideas, thanks again.