Anyone else's relationships suffering due to sleep deprivation?

[newbie36]

Hi all

My DD is almost 5 months old. Never been a great sleeper. She now goes to bed at 7.30ish, wakes for a feed at 12, then wakes like clockwork at 4. After being resettled makes it through to 5, then it's a battle to keep her in bed. She also wakes a couple of times in the night and will need resettling. The only time she'll sleep from 5 is in our bed and then will make it through to 6.30.

Me and my DP are totally knackered. That said, we take it in turns to look after her for a night. The only thing is it seems when it comes to his night to look after her, he calls on me to help - so I don't get a night off! It's totally pissing me off to be honest. I know he has it tough too as he is working, but the only time I ask him to help out is when he is on 4 or 5 rest days. I would never ask him to help on a work day.

Grrrr!! We're getting married in October, and right now I'm feeling a bit concerned about whether I'm making the right choice. Am fairly sure it's sleep deprivation talking which is making me question whether getting married is the right thing to do.

Anyone else's sleep deprivation causing them to have a tough time with their partners?

I am sure I heard some statistic on most divorces occuring in couples with babies under one. I think you just have to accept the fact that this is a really hard time and sleep deprivation will bring out the worst in the both of you. I know my husband and I were at each others throats when DS1 had sleep issues. It does get easier.

My only helpful suggestions are really early nights and considering cosleeping all night.

Hope things pick up for you soon.

You poor thing. I feel your pain! My DD is now 6.5 months and has slept through twice. We have almost the same routine - bed by 7pm, wakes for a feed around 11pm, wakes again at 4am, sometimes than sleeps till 6am but more often than not we're in & out of her room from 5am onwards.

We're completely knackered too and feeling a bit deranged.

Having said that, in a weird way, I'm actually finding it easier now than when she was 4/ 5 months old. I suppose it's partly because you get used to almost anything in the end (however hard) and also partly because I am suddenly starting to see just how quickly this baby thing passes by. We've just booked a summer holiday and it suddenly struck me that she'll be a year old then. Hard to explain, but I suppose 'this too shall pass' suddenly felt a bit more real.

The only thing I can suggest in terms of you & your DH-to-be is to talk, talk, talk and then talk some more. DH and I have implemented a 'what happens at 4am, stays at 4am' rule - anything we may say at that hideous time in the morning gets forgotten and we make a real effort to talk (and even laugh - often hysterically & in a slightly scary way ) in the evening about how tired we are, how we settle her best, what's annoying/ upsetting us etc.

Getting married is a huge step, but you've already taken a massive one in having a baby together - it's so worth trying to work things through. As the wise man at BT once said, it's good to talk

Newbie - I too also feel your pain and really can only reiterate what the others have said "this will pass!"

My ds was a terrible sleeper. He is now 18months and sleeps through on occassions but more often will still wake once a night.

We had severe sleep deprivation due to his night time and early morning waking antics for such a long time it is a miracle I am still with dp. I actually did ALL night time stuff and it wasn't through choice. Dp just didn't do it. I felt I had to when I was off on mat leave and he was at work but then it kinda just carried on when I went back to work too.

I have had the biggest shouting matches and said choice words to dp for his lack of help in the night. But then on the odd occassions he did help I ended up taking over cos I knew I could do it better/quicker. So he was in a no-win situation anyway.

I do still get angry with him when he stays in bed snoring and I'm up at 1am on a work night trying to settle ds, but it has got better. I just use the moral high ground and get extra lie-ins at weekends

Its all about compromise. And talking.

Sleep deprivation can make you someone that you are really not. But it will pass, your dd will start to sleep better and then that one blissful morning that dd is still soundly sleeping in her cot in the morning and you get to snuggle with dp for a few uninterrupted minutes will make up for everything

Thanks for your replies. I'm feeling a bit emotional reading them to be honest - it's awful to hear other people have gone through the same things we are with regard to sleepless nights but on the other hand it's good to hear we're not the only ones. Pogger like the idea of what happens at 4am stays at 4am...And NobbyD I am also with you on the I can just sort things quicker and better (last night I jumped in to deal with things cos I knew what was taking my DP an hour to sort out, I could have dealt with in about 15 mins).

Agree that time passes by so quickly. I wish I wasn't wishing the time away so we can get to a more settled time. I just thank god I'm on maternity leave at the mo.

Right off to my NCT get together this morning. Will actively avoid conversations with those in the group who've had babies practically sleeping through since their first hour on this planet

Newbie - glad you're getting some perspective. Things really do seem worse when sleep deprived! And as for the babies sleeping through - they're probably not! I spent months fretting over why ds wouldn't sleep and all the other babies would when I soon learnt that they too were up all times of the night to "put the dummy back in", which to me is not sleeping through!!!

NobbyD - so true! I also spent ages agonising over why DD was the only child in the world who wouldn't sleep through the night. I then realised, upon taking a step back and really thinking about what people had actually said, that waking at 5am does NOT constitute sleeping through. Neither does, IMO, leaving your baby to cry for an hour in the night, or getting up 5 times to put the dummy back in.

God we could have murdered each other due to sleep deprivation. I honestly felt like I hated him.

It was just lack of sleep, honestly. He miraculously started being so much nicer as soon as I was getting enough sleep.

You need to sort out the waking you up thing though, no matter how bad things get in the night there is no reason why he couldn't manage it.

Could have written your OP word for word.

Mine's now 6.5 and wakes between 12-2am, DH is usually able to settle him, then at 4am and needs a feed.

I look like a ghoul with my black bags under eyes. I work FT. Lie-ins at the weekend just about make up for it. But not quite. Yes it's a strain but This Too Shall Pass This Too Shall Pass This Too Shall Pass This Too Shall Pass and breathe.

I completely sympathise. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

DH always completely knackered and I am too it has affected how we talk to each other and communicate in all ways!!!!

We now have two darling children and it has got worse with the second one. However, somehow you get used to it.

Sleep if and when you can, it does help.

It will pass. As for getting married have you talked to him about how you feel?

dingledangle had a chat with him when I got back today. It was brief but we basically agreed that sleep deprivation is the reason why we're sniping at each other.
I feel better for chatting to him. Just need to get my DD to sleep for 10 hours solid now.....thank you for the posts everyone. It really has made me feel tons better.

Hi newbie36. Glad to hear you had the chance to have a chat about things.

Lack of sleep is hard going and changes your outlook on everything.

I hope that things get better with time and more sleep!

Hi!
So reassuring to read these messages! My Dp does quite a lot of the night parenting even though he works, but when he isnt he gets a full nights sleep, and when I get a night 'off' its a delight to find I've had a 4hr stretch of sleep.. and rare! Sleep deprivation has helped me remember how to behave like a terrible 2! Its amazing just how horrible my DP can seem when I am holding my 7mnth DD at 4 am, for some reason it all seems like his fault!
I think it is better than blaming your baby, its healthier to have someone to get it out to rather than holding all that frustration in.
Its a huge challenge to beable to hold onto the bigger picture. And also I find it helpful to realise I am perhaps feeling how my DD is feeling when she frustrated and tired and cant sleep. patience isnt my strong point but I'm learning.
One day we'll have forgotten this time.