16 week DD is massively overtired - and I don't know how to help her

[heylottie]

DD, 17 weeks this week, was a pretty good sleeper up til 12 weeks. Never went through the night or anything but naps were ok and would sleep 3 to 4 hour chunks at night

Five weeks ago she got her first cold and it took her two weeks to shake it. During that period, and since then, her sleep has been shot: wakes frequently during the night (every hour, 90 mins or so - doesn't always want feeding) and her naps have disintegrated to three 30 mins a day. I think she is teething as well.

I thought for a while she was just an alert, active baby - now I realise that she is caught in a vicious circle of crap naps, crap nights and is actually just really really really over tired. I guess that is why she only sleeps for 20/30 mins - I try to get her back to sleep but she wakes up 'hyper', and she doesn't self settle: so I could end up settling her back to sleep for 40 mins for the sake of another ten minute nap, IYSWIM

I have been co sleeping with her because she settles better with me and she can feed/sleep and i think that is better for her (though she stirs if I move too much so maybe I wake her up. Oh I don't know)

She has bags under her eyes, is slow to gain weight and gets so overtired that she is miserable for half the day.

I don't know how to break this for her: I lie down with her for her naps and try to resettle when she wakes. This way I can sometimes get her to nap for an hour, but not always - also it is not always practical to lie down three times a day.

But I know I need to sort these naps but don't know how - even a drive/pram will only keep her asleep for 30 minutes

I could go on and on but I feel like a shit mother when she is craving sleep and I don't know how to help her. We swaddle her at night which helps a bit. Even my own mother has said ' well it must be down to you as no other baby is like dd'

I don't know what to do - maybe lock us in the house for a few days and stay in bed til she has caught up? But then when 'real life' resumes will we be back to square one?

And then the books say that essentially any nap under 45 minute doesn't count which makes me feel worse.

Your poor DD. I take it she is exclusively breastfed? Can the two of you not take to bed for a few days in order to get her more rested? I know this is deeply impractical, but it can help babies get more rest.

At 17weeks with DD we worked to the rule that she should be put down for a nap 2 hours after she last woke, and counted it as a nap regardless of how long she slept for.. It took some doing initially but we got into it and I found DD was sleeping better. I am a firm believer in sleep begets sleep. Do you have a sling or wrap? She may settle in one and sleep for longer - she doesn't have to sleep in a cot for naps.

heylottie you are not a bad mum. You are both exhausted. I can imagine how you feel, if only you could get a decent few hours kip it would really help
Have you tried a sling or otherwise like bonsoir says, sounds like a great idea to me.

Thanks so much for speedy responses! She is ebf, yes, and won't take a bottle or I would try some formula. I get myself into a bit of a state with the breastfeeding because I begin to doubt whether she is hungry or tired sometimes (she has always been a snacker). I am also crap at leaving her to self settle as she is used to me being there and always picking her up (all my fault I know)
I do try to work to the 2 hour 'rule' but even then she still wakes up after 30 minutes, everything goes off kilter - and the 'wrestle to nap' begins again. I have been out in the car and the pram when I know she should be about to nap - but she screams and screams because she is so tired, and I am in tears too. So sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't

Plus all of this means that I never get a moment to myself (not that that matters at the moment much) unless she is on her mat or whatever - this allows me just enough time to go to the loo or make some lunch. She likes the sling, but more because it allows her hyper, meerkat vision to see even more, and sleep even less...
Have no friends or family nearby to take the strain. DH is good, but at work all day obv.

Does she like the bath? Can you get in the bath with her and play with her/give her a feed in the warm water? That is very soothing for babies.

She loves the bath (and swimming) but splashes and kicks with joy rather than 'chill out with candles' type thing... I turn the lights low, put on the lullabies - she is 'ZING' and then fights sleep. But will keep trying - thanks so much for all suggestions.

I just know that if I could get her to nap well for three days straight things would improve - but it's so hard...

In France they have spas for mothers and babies where you bathe in seawater and algae to relax and regain strength post birth. It's not grand or anything (two star hotels if you want).

Try bathing her in softened water with some camomile tea added to it. Also you could try drinking it; so your bm may calm her a bit.
or you can buy the camomile caplets specially for babies, Good luck. you'r a good mother, tiredness does change one's perspective so grab some sleep when she does. Forget everything else.

My DS was like this and I could never understand how people got their DC to nap for hours at a time. I read a tip in the No Cry Sleep Solution book that worked for us, which might be worth a try for you.

Basically what you do is to hang around outside their room about 5 minutes before they normally wake, and as soon as you hear snuffling leg it in. Stand over the cot and stroke baby's back, shushing if necessary until you hear breathing slow and they go back to sleep. You need to do this for a few days, maybe a week or so but in our case it meant DS began napping for around 2 hours instead of 40 minutes.

Hope it works for you too

I could have written your post op, only difference being that myy dd2 is 11 wks but things have gone haywire for me since she has had a couple of colds. As I have a four yr old too I am desperate for her to learn to self settle because I simply can't rock or hold her all day as it's not fair on dd1, am wondering if anyone has tips for self settling a baby under. 6 months that needs feeding or holdiing to sleep, am not willing to try conrolled crying at this or any age?

This does sound tough. I can't help on the sleep, I'm afraid but can your DH make you some sandwiches and a flask of tea before he goes to work so you can just grab those when you have a chance. Also, next weekend can he take the Friday or Monday off, you cancel all social plans and you just sleep (unless you're feeding) leaving him to do everything else. At least that way you'll be in a better condition and be able to deal with it more easily. Trying to deal with things when sleep deprived is impossible.

If it's of any use, your Mum is wrong. My DD1 was exactly like this. She was sleeping in 3-4 hr stints then had her jabs, became a little unwell and began to wake every 40 mins. I was exhausted. Please don't think it's your fault, some babies are like this. I'm afraid I was in a similar position to you, DD was exhausted, I was exhausted-hell on earth. I rode the storm with help from my Mum and then did sleep training at 6.5 months, which sorted the naps and meant she went longer at night. Sorry I can't be of any other use, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.

yes your mum is wrong, my dd was like this too. At 4/5 mths, we did sleep training at night - basically shush patting her when she woke at night outside the times we decided for feeding (think it was no feeds til 4am). My dh did this, so she wasn't expecting a bf. I couldn't have done it alone tbh. Though our situation was a bit different as we had a problem with feeding to sleep. It took about 3 nights, then she slept for longer and looked a lot less tired.

Dd is still super alert and doesn't seem to need much sleep, but it is better and it does improve with time, though I could never have believed it when she was 16 wks.

I think if I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn't worry about naps, just put her in a sling/pram/car and get on with your day (which should involve lots of resting!)

have you tried her on solids yet? maybe you could give her some babyrice with bm before she normally has her longer?? sleep; in the evening for example. My 3 babies could never go the MW's "3month on just ff or bm" lark.
Oh and they're happy healthy teens now!1

With the greatest respect ppeatfruit, I don't think that's the answer. I turned to solids (to my eternal shame) at 20 weeks with DD1 hoping desperately that they would be some magic cure-they weren't.

Well Gunther... all babies are different and the arbitrary "no solids till 3or4 months" is ridiculous my ds was shoving his fist in his mouth after a full bf at just before 3months and he really enjoyed his solids and slept all night after starting them!!

OP, I feel for you - I too have a sleep fighter (6.5 weeks) although once he's down he'll usually sleep well. Have you tried aromatherapy? I put a few drops of lavender oil on a muslin which I hold when I cuddle him to sleep - but you could put it in the cot.

And might a white noise CD playing help her to stay asleep when she stirs?

You have my sympathy.