desperate

[ExistentialistCat]

DD, 7 months.

For the last 10 days, she's been waking at least hourly at night and has often had a 2-hour awake spell around 2 a.m. The only way she'll settle is on my or DH's chest, where she'll drop off again quite quickly but then cries as soon as we put her back in her cot. She's also been miserable during the day, crying a lot and generally sleepy but refusing to settle.

This is in huge contrast to her usual cheerful self. She was going to bed at 7 before, dreamfeed around 10, sometimes another waking after that.

At the beginning of last week I suspected teething plus a cold, so was happy to give all the comfort (and calpol) needed. The signs of these have abated now but the sleep is getting worse, if anything. Last night DH and I took from 9pm until 2am to try to settle her, then gave up and took it in turns to doze with her on our chest.

I am 6 weeks pg and beyond exhausted now. Worst of all, I get into a real rage at night sometimes .

I'm worried that what may have started off as poor sleep due to pain/discomfort has turned into a behavioural thing. That she's miserable during the day because she's not slept well at night. So do I need to crack this night time waking with some controlled crying? I never thought I'd even consider CC at 7 months, it's a sign of how broken I am feeling.

Pleasepleaseplease help.

can you co-sleep?

I went through this with my DD1 at around the same age. This is what I did, but you need to do what you feel is right for you and your family.
Because my DD had previously slept through, was well etc, I decided she was getting into a habit of using me as a way of settling herself at night when what she should have been doing was settling herself. It escalated so quickly and I was stupidly more concerned about DH being disturbed and before I knew it the only way she would sleep was in my arms with me sitting up in bed not daring to move!
I cracked this problem in one evening and then felt really stupid that I'd put myself through it for so long.
Controlled crying: go in, lights low or off, don't pick up but just lay a hand on her and softly say " shhh, go to sleep." Don't make eye contact, don't say anything else. After 2mins, leave. Leave her for 10 mins and then repeat if necessary. I had to do this probably twenty times before she fell asleep and she went through an angry phase of crying, an upset phase and then an exhausted phase. It was very tempting to jack it all in and cuddle her but I remained strong and it really did work.
I have done this with all 3DC and know that at any time I can settle them with this. (they all sleep 12hrs without trouble now and I sleep too!)
Lots of people will disagree with my methods but they have worked for me, I personally couldn't co-sleep as I would be awake all night, but it works for some. You have to decide what will work for you. Whatever you decide, be consistent, don't give in and think about what you need to achieve before your new baby comes. I would want my DC to sleep through... in their own bed.
HTH x

Hello. My ds did exactly the same at 7 1/2 months not due to cold but holiday away. We too did cc in the end and he started sleeping through, at least 11 hrs! Previously had been waking every 3 hours for bf even though he was on 91st centile and clearly not really hungry at all. Never managed to cosleep as he is such a snorty wriggly wee thing.

Cc may seem horrible but it is so worth it, for everyone; your baby will not be taumatised, she will be well rested in the mornings and greet you with huge smiles, and you will get enough rest to grow your next baby

Really sympathise with you re the cc and the exhaustion - I too am 6wks pg and honestly it feels like walking through cement most of the day. Gah. This too will pass ExistentialistCat...

Thanks all.

I've tried co-sleeping but I'm a very, very light sleeper myself and DD thought it was hilarious, wriggling and kicking me.

My usual approach is to go in briefly, lights off, settle her gently and then leave again, so it's similar to what you've described, honeybun. I've never left her to cry, though. It feels like a big deal and I'm dreadfully worried that she'll feel abandoned. But I can't stop crying with tiredness myself at the moment, so I'm really not much good to her.

In two minds as to whether to try CC tonight or whether to order the Millpond Sleep Clinic book first. I like books, me.

I got the Millpond Sleep clinic book and it gave the reassurance I needed to go for CC. Get i next day delivery from amazon!
We did CC at 9m, and it was based on a Millpond case study. It worked.

Good Luck, can your DD go to grannies house for a day here or there to give you a break??

She will feel a little abandoned to begin with as she is used to crying to get you in there. Once she realises that actually she's not going to get what she wants, she will prefer sleep as an option.
As you say you are no good to her exhausted to tears, so even if you have a wobble about doing it, do it and it will benefit you both. You may be surprised at how quickly and easily she takes to it. Good luck x

ExistentialistCat, if you are tired to the point of constant tears you MUST do something about it!

Also, think of when this new wee baby arrives. What if your dd is still not sleeping through? You need to have at least one child more or less guaranteed to let you sleep at night, no?

Really don't want to sound bossy, am just very aware of how crap extreme tiredness plus pg hormones make you feel and want to help. Books can indeed be very comforting and there are lots of cc threads on MN. Also lots of debate along the lines of "DD will be scarred forever!" vs. "She won't remember a thing!". You have to decide.

Good luck

I am sure I will be pilloried for this but did CC when DD1 was just 5 months old as had never slept for more than an hour or so and was utterly desperate. First night it took more than an hour of going in every 5 minutes and soothing but not picking up. Second night it took about 20 minutes of the same. It was HELL (DH and I had to hold each other back) but there wasn't a third night as she slept like a dream from then on with just one or two blips when poorly (but you can excuse anything when poorly so got to sleep with me) and then very brief CC when better again. Used to say "Sshh, Mummy's here" which seemed to make her angrier but made me feel better!

DD1 now 13 and has always slept like a dream. And has been a happy little soul all through and still very happy and loving despite teenagerishness. Interestingly, she finds the expression "Sshh, Mummy's here" to be intensely comforting in times of worry or upset.

If she is not poorly then go for it. A happy, rested child and a happy, rested Mum are worth any CC angst.

Thought you might like an update...

Decided to go for CC last night as was feeling truly desperate. Did 2 minutes of soothing in cot, then 5 minutes of crying etc.

Thing is, DD wouldn't really settle by being soothed in cot. But I persevered. After only half an hour, she fell asleep (about 11). I was composing emails of eternal gratitude in my head to everyone who'd answered this post!

And then I couldn't fall asleep. It felt so wrong to have left her crying [ridiculous emoticon].

She woke again at 3.45 and I was still ddetermined to persevere. But she just wouldn't settle, got more and more upset. So I made her a bottle, which she dranks straight down (she then proceeded to have a full breakfast later, so I'm sure she really needed it). I'm afraid I then cuddled her and apologised to her for leaving her to cry .

I'm completely torn. Leaving her to cry for just 2 minutes made an afternoon nap happen without any problems today. Yet it goes against every instinct I have. My inner mama bear says why shouldn't a 7 month-old have her mummy when she needs her, even if it's 'just' for comfort? After all, I curled up crying with DH and he didn't just shush and pat me and tell me to go to sleep!

I've ordered the Millpond book after speaking to them briefly on the phone - they said they use a very specific form of CC designed to cause minimum upset. Hey, I live in hope...

Scotlian this is lazy of me, but any chance you could point me towards those threads you mention (preferable the 'she won't remember a thing' ones!)? Thank you!

I totally have sympathy, it is so hard to leave them. We reached breaking point at about 10 months when our daughter was feeding every two hours and I was getting about 4 hours sleep a night.
I realised that I wasn't being the Mum I wanted to be to her as I was always too tired yet I still couldn't do CC.
My partner had to do it, he slept in the spare room and I wore ear plugs and after three nights she was sleeping through no probs and we've never looked back.
I found I couldn't do it myself on many levels, emotional, guilt but also the physical reaction of my boobs filling with milk when she cried was so powerful so the only way I could remove myself from it was to use ear plugs so I couldn't hear her.
She was a much happier bean once her sleep was sorted and I was a much better Mum and that's when I knew we had done the right thing.

Well, it takes time. Can your DH do it for the first couple of nights? We started on a Thursday eve- DH worked from home on the Friday and that gave us 3 nights to really go for it and I my DH did the bulk of it. That also meant he got the lie in the next day!

Try not to feel so bad, maybe now is not the right time? On our 3rd night I was ready to give up and my friend told me to give it one more night,and I am so glad I did.

Also, I think you do have to commit to it, and chopping and changing isn't really fair on anyone. Very confusing for baby and totally draining for you.

Hope the book makes sense!

ExistentialistCat. Sorry to hear things are so tough. 7.5 months was when I broke down too! It was the fact that I was getting angry that really made me feel like something had to change. Like you, the sleep had gone from broken but manageable to off the charts.

There was crying with what we did, but we didn't leave the room. We parked ourselves beside the cot and comforted in the cot the whole time. If he was very upset, we picked up/rocked until he calmed down but was still awake, then went back to shushing in the cot.

I think if you are feeling so upset about the crying, you might need to look for another slightly ammended strategy. Waking up every hour and being awake for hours in the middle of the night is not a long-term option for you or for your baby. So you need to do something. But there are options, and anything that goes totally against all your instints as a mum is not right for you.

Have you ever looked at the Baby Whisperer site? Her books are quite annoying, but the mums on the website are amazing. They are against leaving to cry, but accept that there might be some crying when you are sleep training but the difference is that you be there comforting them. They are also really good at looking at your routine during the day and may find something (number of naps, spacing of feeds, etc.) that might help resolve some of the wakings on their own.

Here is the link

ExCat, this is an example of the threads I was talking about... put "controlled crying" into the search window and you get loads more!

I think basically cc is about teaching your baby that now is time to sleep, and that she CAN go to sleep on her own. I see it not as a trauma you inflict (although it does feel traumatic at the time!) but as a favour you are doing to everyone, yourself not least. I'd never leave ds for more that 8 mins crying. We did it when we were sure he didn't need milk at night - he was MASSIVE for his age and woke up not hungry for breakfast milk! - we did offer him a bottle of water though, crying makes you thirsty. We started with sweet chamomile then slowly reduced the sweetness until it was just water. We did cc not just when he went to sleep but also whenever he woke in the night, to be consistent really, we thought it would be confusing otherwise...took us about a week for it to work but it was SO worth it.

I'm having such a hard time making up my mind on this. I've read the thread you copied, Scotlian, and about a million others like it, and the arguments are so convincing but also so emotive on both sides. I wish there were some proper randomised control studies on this subject so that I could put on my scientist's hat and evaluate the evidence!

At the moment, I'm inclined to try the Millpond approach. I've ordered their book and got in touch with the clinic itself to ask whether I could talk through my concerns about any form of baby training (not even CC in particular, but just the worry that imposing my needs too much on my baby could interfere with our relationship and her emotional atachment to me).

For now, we're keeping a baseline sleep diary rather than actively changing anything. And the sleepless nights are continuing. I've really appreciated the support from everyone on here and will be back to update you!

A sleep diary is a good idea. I really rated the millpomd book, I hope it gives you the support you need to make some choices. It is no fun parenting on no sleep.

Good luck to you, lets hope your next post will be telling us about how well your baby is sleeping through!

Good luck!

was just wondering how things were going? I also have a 7 month old dd who is a rubbish sleeper. I've ended up co-sleeping with her which I dont like - would rather sleep with my dh than my dd! She still wakes up about 8 times a night anyway so it doesnt really help. None of my other dc's were like this (have 4 altogether). Have done cc with all of them but not at such a young age. I've also ordered the millpond book but not got it yet.

Think I will give cc a go tonight as feel totally fed up, sleep is the only thing I can think about and dh thinks its a good idea. Just wondered if you'd tried it yet and with any success (or not........)