Gradual retreat question

[Confusedfirsttimemum]

We are doing No Cry Sleep Solution with DD (9 months. Not great sleeper!).

One of the things we are trying is the 'gradual retreat' method, so moving from sshing and patting (she has only wanted one feed a night, close to morning, for quite some time, and I just feed her then), to sshing and key words next to the cot, etc, etc.

My question is, what do you do when you've reached the point where you're standing outside the door and just using the key words. DD calms down this way 2/3 of the time the last week or so, but I've no idea how to wind this last step down without her becoming upset. Any ideas, or is it just likely to decrease of its own accord now that she doesn't need as much intervention to get back off?

I've got 2 children. The eldest is 3 and the youngest is the same as yours. I have no patience in sleep solutions or strategies or techniques. Go with your instincts. Cuddle if you want to cuddle them. The books really aren't helpful IMO.

IME, it'll decrease of its own accord. DS went through a phase of waking in the night when he was about a year old and we started off by patting, then could just "shhhh" him from the door. Eventually (probably when he was ready for it) he stopped waking up...or at least if he did we didn't know about it.

llareggub, I know what you mean, but I think that the good thing about this method is that you are comforting your child without distrupting them too much. When DS was crying out in the night, if I picked him up for a cuddle he'd just wake up more, then it would be harder to get back to sleep. By patting, then later, just shhhing, he knew we were there and he'd go back to sleep fairly quickly. Plus it taught him to settle himself to sleep without intervention which was good for everyone.

llareggub - I know what you mean, but DD was waking almost every hour and it was killing us. I didn't want to do cry it out, CC or other sleep training, I just wanted to get the night wakings down to a reasonable level and the resettlings easier. It had got to the point where, even after a feed, DD was crying for an hour or more on night wakings (not because I left her, but because nothing, not cuddles, not rocking, not patting, helped her go back to sleep). Now that this method seems to be working (without upsetting her), I'd just like to know if there's a next step. If there is, great. If the answer is "they'll grow out of it", well we've made so much progress already and I feel a million times more human!

Born - DD is the same. Hates being picked up in the night. She actually bodily throws herself backwards away from you to be put down!

I know books are attractive. I happen to believe that when it comes to parenting the books place you at a disadvantage. I think a reliance on parenting manuals surpresses parental instinct. You know what to do.

Babies go through phases and sometimes they sleep and sometimes they don't. It's life. But it does get better.

Well, I believe that we all need a bit of help sometimes, whether that comes from books, MN or advice from friends.

I agree that over-reliance on baby books is probably not good, but some of them do have good ideas and the No Cry Sleep Solution is one of them.

Well, to be honest, when DD was waking every hour and for an hour and a half at a time my parental instinct was to burst into tears and yell "why aren't you sleeping." There are times when you are so sleep deprived that you can barely remember your own name and are practically a danger to yourself and your baby. At times like that, sometimes you need a little help.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. I'm not a big fan of routines or books, but personally I don't see anything wrong with seeking a gentle way to help your child sleep a bit better than they do. It isn't leaving her to cry, it's not even letting her cry with me there, it's just helping her to sleep a bit better in gentle stages. I was so sleep addled when I started that I couldn't have thought that sort of thing through by myself.

I am happier, DD is miles happier now she's only up twice a night. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on the value of NCSS.

Oh, I was also going to say, the obvious place to get that help would be family, but our parents and grandparents come from the 'leave her in her pram to nap and shut the door at night' generation. I didn't want to follow that route.

If I'm honest, I think our obsession with parents having some sort of automatic instinct which tells us what to do gets us into all sorts of problems in this country. What's wrong with wanting a bit of help that in the past you'd have had from family/others in the village?

As I said, I think we'll agree to disagree

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound argumentative! I just hate it when people get upset and obsessed over making a routine or a strategy work, particularly when it seems not to work!

I really do understand what it is like to be sleep-deprived, really I do. It will pass and it will get better!

Thanks both of you.

llareggub - I totally agree. But NCSS is just a big list of "have you thought of trying X? Y might help?" type ideas and you try the ones you want, ditch any that don't work and carry on with any that do. It's really more like the things family might suggest (if they weren't all convinced CC was the way!). It wasn't getting upset that something wasn't working. I am overjoyed for both of us that DD isn't now spending 90 minutes crying in the night whilst I try desparately to soothe her! I just wondered if I was missing an obvious next step. If I have to get up twice a night for the next x months to say "ssh ssh, night night" I'll still be chuffed to bits!

BorntoFolk - thanks for all your messages. Really helpful.