22 month old that still doesn't sleep through the night

[alib538]

I have always been very anti Controlled Crying/Sleep Training, however after 22 months with only a handful of nights slept through (probably a week at the most) I am absolutely at my wits end and exhausted. He won't go to sleep unless we are in the room and have some sort of physical contact, normally hand holding, and can wake up anywhere between once and 5-6 times a night. Is it too late for sleep training? Is it cruel? Not sure I want to do it but not sure what else to do?

Have you read the book, No Cry Sleep Solution? There are some good suggestions in there although it's not a quick fix.

When you say your ds won't go to sleep unless "we" are in the room, do you mean that you and your dh/dp both have to be there? One suggestion in the book is that if the dc is dependant on physical contact to get to sleep you should gradually move further and further away, eg sitting beside cot, then next night a bit further away from the cot, then on other side of room or on the landing.

My dd was similar (in fact it was more complicated because she was bfing in the night until 20 months or so) but we got there in the end.

Alternatively, you could go with the flow and bed share...

we did buy "no cry sleep solution" when he was about 7-8 months old and loved the idea of it but thought it was too long winded.....in hind sight............

Only 1 of us needs to be in the room with him until he goes to sleep. We have started trying to stop the hand holding but obviously patience is required as it takes twice as long then to get him to sleep however, I appreciate the whole "no pain no gain" adage.

We have been bed sharing for the last 3-4 months. We will go to him once or twice in the night but if he wakes up a third + time we bring him straight into our bed. This is pure laziness as it has got to a point where we don't care what the manuals or parents of sleepy babies say, we just want to sleep and bed sharing has meant we are getting a little more than we were before.

When he sleeps at my parents, he wakes only once and often sleeps through!!!!!!!!! Infuriating, however he does sleep in their room but we are loath to move his cot back into our room as it feels like a massive step backwards.

I think we both hoped it would eventually sort its self out but nearly 2 years on, we're pretty exhausted......but still not enough to do the whole controlled crying thing.

I don't get this kind of problem. Either you are prepared to address it (assuming you see it as a problem - and you must do, if you've posted about it), or you're not. Taking a variety of approaches just won't work. The only way to tackle it is to decide what you're going to do and stick with it. Probably there's no way round it without a certain amount of crying - but I don't believe it causes irreparable damage. At this age, assuming he doesn't have special needs, he's old enough to understand what you mean when you say it's time to go to sleep. And then you keep repeating it, reassuring as necessary, until it happens, But because he's been used to having you there when he goes to sleep for so long, it'll probably take a while for him to readjust - not what you want to hear, but if you'd got him into the habit of going to sleep by himself from the early days, you wouldn't have this problem now. It's not cruel - not even slightly - learning to go to sleep is an important skill and you're doing him a favour. He'll feel better and be happier (and so will you, I expect!)

You're very lucky that you "don't get this kind of problem" and life is so straightforward for you. However, I think when you do have a problem like this a good deal of thought and consideration goes into how you will deal with it. Do you want to see your child distressed/sobbing/upset/vomiting (which has happened on the rare occaisions we have left him for a short time to cry), will you sit it out and hope tomorrow will be the day he sleeps through etc etc.

I appreciate that once you decide on a particular route then you stick to it, but deciding on that route is a difficult and often compromising decision which both you and your partner have to agree on.

I am a total newcomer to "Mumsnet" and was under the impression that it was a support network where obviously support/advice/recommendations etc were offered......not criticism of parenting skills from other parents e.g. "if you'd got him into the habit of going to sleep by himself from the early days, you wouldn't have this problem now"!

'Crying it out' must be confusing for a child if it happens on rare occasions. The 'no cry sleep solution' approach is to keep reassuring the child, while being firm and repeating that it's time for sleep and keeping them in their own bed.

You can't assume that life is straightforward for any of us. My younger daughter (aged 2) has profound and multiple learning disabilities. We have loads of issues that we're dealing with and trying to resolve.

(And MN is full of robust opinions on other people's parenting skills - that's what makes it fun!)

Wispa, what you have is very common . mine is 22 months and is giving us major grief , wont go to bed and wakes up screaming, I am at the end of my tether. we do leave him to cry, but after half an hour of it we are so bloody drained and upset its not worth it. so what are we doing? co-bloody-sleeping. Its not ideal bit right now it seems the only solution,

I am trying to not think "this is a problem and I must fix it" towards "this is very natural, and with time it will pass (when he 10!)

good luck, and do whatever you feel is right

alib please don't lose heart. I know exactly what you're going through. The No Sleep Solution didn't really work for us either. My dd is 2.7 and I am just starting to have some success in the sleeping department. I'm sorry I don't have time to post properly now but will try and come back tomorrow and let you know what seems to be working for us.

dd has been co-sleeping for over a year, she's now in her own bed and sleeping much better than previous attempts at putting her in her own bed. It could just be her age or it could be one or all of the little changes we have made since the new year.

People are on here to be supportive. Sometimes people can be a little insensitive (I don't think they mean to be) and that hurts more when you're seriously sleep deprived and at the end of your tether.

cc is not for everyone, it's certainly not for us - each to their own

Chin up

hi just read all the posts as looking for advice for my 12 month old who will happily go to sleep having a cuddle at about 8 then wake 2 or 3 times in the night sometimes for over an hour and half wanting cuddles to go back off but very restless and wanting to go in his cot, but when i put him down and rub his back he cries. i dont think other people who babies sleep though can understand how it feels to be so tired and alone in the early hours when your body is crying out for sleep but your mothering instint is to care for your baby, good luck to all those awake tonight, just remember that you are not alone x

Yes Chin up alib538, from another sleep deprived mum of an over-1. Am guessing wispa hasn't actually experienced months, and months, and months, and months of gut wrenching broken sleep - it clogs the mind and knackers any resolve you might have about anything.
However DS is slowly getting better. He used to have to fall asleep in my arms nursing or else he would scream and scream and scream - always up, never that 'low level fussing or grumbling' they describe in controlled crying guides, now he is finally happy to roll around in his cot and get comfy and he only tends to wake the once or so. Abit more at the mo because of his molars cutting through. In our case the thing he's needed is time. I couldn't do controlled crying either but you could try the NCSS again. Good luck.

Hi alib538,

I sympathise with your situation totally. My DS is 2.4 and was sleeping pretty well (waking once or twice, pat on the back got him back to sleep) until we moved him into a big bed aged 22 months. As soon as he could climb out by himself, he came looking for us! and now he is in our bed everynight! (So even if you "did everything right" situations change. C'est la vie.

I dont have any magic answers (I am too tired to do NCSS too) but here are some suggestions that I got off some mums down the park that I am planning to try:

1. bribery. The idea is not to underestimate how much they can understand, explain that you are tired, you want them to let you sleep more at night, you will reward them if they do
2. buy a sleep training clock which informs them at what time it is OK to call you/look for you
3. Play with dolls/teddies that have beds and mummies and daddies and "teach" them how to sleep through the night. and this is to make co-sleeping more "bearable"
4. teach them it is OK to come into the big bed as long as they creep in quietly!

Poppet I am betting that Wispa HAS experienced the sheer agony of sleeplessness which is why she has temporarily forgotten that it is not helpful to criticise others!