11 yr old scared to go to bed or be upstairs alone...!

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Have loved dipping in to mumsnet now and then over the years, but have never started a thread til now... have ds aged 11 and 2 dds aged 8 and 5.

Does anyone else have experience of this - my 11 yr old ds has become increasingly reluctant/ scared over the past 2 years to go to bed and/ or stay in bed in the evening while dh and I are downstairs.

One of us will often take him up at about 9pm and see him into bed. He then reads or lies awake til we go up to bed, during which time he calls down to us every 10 minutes or so to ask when we are coming up. He will not allow himself to go to sleep til we are upstairs too. He often falls asleep within seconds of us coming up.

If we don't see him into bed, he will hang around on the stairs or landing (hoping we don't notice)waiting for us to come up, or he'll make some excuse to come and ask/tell us something to delay going up.

Once asleep, he sleeps well, but I am worried that he's not getting enough sleep (rarely more than 8 hours a night), but my main worry is that he is not feeling happy/confident enough in his own house. He is becoming more scared of sleeping at his grandma's house and he wouldn't want to go to a sleepover at a schoolfriend's.

He's a keen reader and has good imagination. He watches/plays the usual TV/DVDs/playstation for his age, and is happy/sociable/ outgoing during the day. Have tried to talk to him about it, but he just says that he doesn't want to be alone upstairs (his sleeping sisters in the next room don't count!).

Sorry for going on, have tried to be brief. Has anyone got any thoughts on this? I'd be really grateful.

Hi - I was considering starting a thread about my 10yr old DS suddenly being scared to death of going to bed but saw this.

I am exhausted this week. He goes up to bed, reluctantly, at 9pm and can read for a while but, in the last couple of months, he is getting gradually more scared of being alone in his room.

He has a small night light that glows different colours, his door is open and the light from the bathroom lights the whole area. He will NOT settle if his wardrobe door or any of his drawers are slightly open.

I used to leave him to sleep but find now that he gets more sleep if I just wait in his room for him to fall asleep. But it is so draining as h works away mon to fri and dd2 (5) wakes at about 5:30 so feel I have no time to myself.

Just out of interest - can I ask people what their bad-sleepers were like as babies?? I am convinced that I am to blame for this as he has always been slightly nervous of bed and as he was my pfb, I used to stay with him whilst he went to sleep when he was tiny and would even hold him till he slept.

With the dd's I realised my mistake and trained them to sleep on their own and they are fantastic sleepers. I just say goodnight to them and they are asleep in no time.

Pretty - don't blame yourself. My dd was a great sleeper as a baby, people were amazed, it was goodnight, kiss and walk out.
We moved into temporary accomodation and had to share a room when she was about 3yo and that is when I got into bad habits of lieing down with her until she fell asleep. We then went through various stages of mattresses on the floor and me sneaking out of her room once she was aleep etc until finallyh she was able to sleep alone.
This "fear" of being alone in her room came later and I just think it's part of her personality and her Aspergers. Above all I believe it is a genuine (if irrational) fear which is very real to them. I continue to talk through the fears, reassure and above all insist that she stays in her bed alone and falls asleep. Some nights I actually want to scream with anger and frustration when she is still calling out to me at 11pm and I have not had any time to myself and I need to go to bed soon... What on earth can we do?

Thanks for answering thorn - I suppose we just have to (patiently) wait it out.

I held ds tonight until he was asleep - In a way it is special because he is nearly 11 and I wasn't expecting to be needed so much by him at this stage. BUT, on the other hand, I was getting used to having at least part of the evenings to myself.

He is getting quite weepy in the day at the moment too - probably over-tired.

Interesting that you had to share a room for a while with your dd thorn. I am sure that they get used to someone else being there.

Lets hope they can sort this out themselves

My dd went through this a few months ago - she is 11. We live in a townhouse and my ds moved to the middle floor to a bigger room leaving dd on the top floor on her own. We had around 1-2 months of problems. Now sorted, she got a docking station for her ipod for Christmas and she set up a night time playlist and she has that on and the landing light.

A lot of good info on this OLD thread.

I was at doctors today with 11 year olds similar sleep problems, and the limited hour on Xbox after school was way to go per GP.

Exercise though doctor said should not be over stimulating. I was surprised at that advice, but on reflection now he takes even longer to get to sleep after being out at football training in the evenings.

Was advised no calpol or any medicine, as kid would come to rely on it, and stress about it if not got one night. Also advised to encourage kid to put light on himself after 30 mins and to read for 10 minutes, then try again. Told to go in every 10 minutes and then every 20 mins to check on them, and hope they nod off between checks.

Just passing on doctors advice, and wish you all luck tonight.

If you know it's an old thread why are you bumping it? That kid wil be 16 now and probably over it all?

*i know I'm bumping myself

So grateful for coming across this thread (even if it is old) - my ds is really struggling with sleeping/bed time and being frightened. I will def be following the advise offered but more importantly I can stop worrying that my child may have unusual anxiety issues. After reading this thread I have remembered all my fears at about the same age. Thank you everyone x

Hi,
I'm afraid I haven't read all through the replies but I just wanted to add something.
Has there been any changes in his life or upsets at all?
When I was about the same age I remember having the same issues and feeling scared about going to bed on my own.
We had just moved out of my grandparents house (parents were divorced) and in to our own place.
I was desperately scared of my mother leaving me. i remember if she went quiet I would call down and ask her a silly question just to make sure she was still there.
When she went to bed I knew she'd be asleep and wouldn't leave. The more annoyed I made her the more I worried about her leaving.
It sounds ridiculous now but maybe at that age things play on your mind.
Thinking back my mum was always so desperate for alone time that maybe it translated the wrong way to an insecure child. If she'd have taken a few minutes to read a story or sit with me I think it would have made things easier on her in the long run.
Obviously I'm not saying this is what is happening in your case but that sounds exactly like I was. I hope things get better soon

Darn. Just noticed the date. That's what I get for not reading all the replies

Hi. I know this is a really old thread but I wanted to know if any of you found anything useful that helped with sleep anxiety? My daughter is an only so I don't have the luxury of putting her in with another child so I stay up on the landing all evening whilst she goes to sleep which can take hours. It's starting to bring out depression in me as all I seem to do is work cook bath and then spend every evening waiting for her to fall asleep 😟

My dd is exactly the same at bed time I dread it! It's the same every night I have to lay with her until she falls asleep. She is now nearly 7. I've done everything star charts, bribery, I even had a sleep fairy that worked for a very short time. It takes hours for her to fall asleep. leaving her let her cry it out. Hated It's frustrating. But I know it isn't her fault. She keeps talking about bad dreams but will not did describe them. She said when she was about 4 we had a little boy the sits on top of her wardrobe.even that that freaked me out a little. We put the monsters out of the window dream catchers up. We had the same routine every night. Bath stories teeth toilet and bed. And she knows when it's bed time she plays up. Stalls so she doesn't have to go. She has been like this since she was born. I just to give in an let her sleep on me when is she was a baby made a rod for my own back I thought she would grow out of it. Family don't help. They say I'm too soft on her I don't tell her off. I should just leave her. But I believe if I can get to the root of the problem then she can just have a good nights sleep. Once she is asleep that's it for the night. And I can get my sanity back. She is v shy child and worries about things. But has little circle of friends and goes well at school. Xx

ZOMBIE THREAD

Might be a good idea to start a new thread if this is something you are interested in. The OP is unlikely to reply now, what with her son being 18 now!

It would be great to hear from the op to know how things eventually worked themselves out (hoping that things have worked themselves out) and what worked.
Dayes123 you seem to be in the same boat as me 😟 Xx

I literally just googled my 11 year old cannot go to sleep on his own and was directed to this thread. I have read all the messages and immediately went upstairs to tell him I don't think he's being silly etc (guilt!). He just says he hears noises etc and worries what it is. Then, would you believe, someone came round and rang the doorbell - TWICE! (it's 9.20 pm), trying to sell special deals for their restaurant. Grrr. To echo what others have said, would love to hear from the original writer how her child sorted it out. I suppose there's not much need for mumsnet when your child is 17!