14 week old won't sleep, I feel like it is all my fault

[roslily]

He won't sleep in the day. If he does he doesn't sleep more than 45mins and wakes up screaming, as he is still tired. Sometimes I can resettle him. By the end of day he is hysterically overtired.

At night I go to bed when he does, but it take a while to settle him. Oftyen he wakes up every hour, sometimes every 2 hours. He isn't always hungry (FF). I think it is cos he is overtired.

I am at my wits end. Today he wouldn't sleep, and in the end I put him in cot and walked away as I was worried what I might do. I sat on stairs and cried while he screamed in cot.

I have PND, and have already had meds increased. Doc says nothing more she can do as he will "grow out of it". He has been referred to a paediatric clinic and sleep clinic but that appointment is 6 weeks away.

He won't sleep in car, just screams, he rarely sleeps in pram (I walked for 3 hours today and no sleep), I have tried rocking him, swaddling him, white noise, a dummy, co-sleeping, a sling (he now hates the sling and just head butts me and screams, I have tried just putting him down in case being held is too much.

My mum and dh are urging me to let him cry, but I can't do that.

I just don't don't know what else to do. I didn't get to eat today as I spent the whole time trying to get him to sleep. I have tried leaving him, but he won't fall asleep on his own and will just scream the place down.

I have posted about this before, but nothing as improved and I am losing my mind.

oh you poor thing
Does he go to sleep in your arms but then refuse to be put down? Or does he just not sleep??

Its really not your fault, so stop beating yourself up. Some babies sleep better than others, and some fight it, even if they are desperately overtired like your ds. Sounds as though you really need a break, however - is there anyone else who can help you during the day or at night to give you a break and chance to get some unbroken sleep? It might make all the difference to how you're feeling even if he doesn't get any extra shuteye.

He will sometimes go to sleep in my arms and then I can sort of lie down with him. But then I can't do anything like eat! And my dh moans about state of house (yes he is a knob).

I know it won't go on forever, but at the moment it feels like it will.

I can put him down, but worry about bad habits- ie I will still have to cuddle him to sleep when he is 3!

don't worry about bad habits at all, pointless at this age
whe he sleeps in your arms will he be put down in a slightly more upright position?? DD will not be put down flat, but will sleep in her v shaped pillow or (flattish) car seat.
Just realised, off to feed / cuddle my 3yo to sleep . maybe mine's not the best advice!!

Am sorry you are feeling so bad. When things are this rough please dont worry about bad habits. Once you relax about it you will feel better. The little advice I have is

Get somebody, or online shop to bring packet sandwich, chocolate, juice etc so you dont have to make anything and can eat on the go one handed.

If he falls asleep in your arms, let him. Leave him to sleep as long as possible, try to rock, shh/pat back to sleep if he stirs. Hopefully if he has a good sleep, you may be able to let him amuse himself on a mat, in cot or swing or something whilst you have a quick 10 min tidy. Or tell your dp he is a knob and can tidy when he gets in!

Finally if you are feeling that stressed continue to walk away. Leaving him for 5 mins when he is screaming will do no harm and may help you stay chilled.

Hope things improve, let us know how you are getting on,

Roslily, please give us an update on his reflux, etc. Have you investigated cow milk's protein intolerance/ lactose intolerance any further? Some babies are very difficult to settle and my DS was like this. And the more tired he got, the more he would fight his sleep. But IMO (only one baby not much older than yours so not much experience) babies don't really scream this much without a reason.

He has been referred to a paediatric clinic, but haven't had the letter yet. He has an appointment with a sleep clinic in January.

I mentioned the milk/lactose intolerance to dr and she said it wasn't that as he is gaining weight.

Ultimately they told me "he will grow out of it" I'm just not sure whether I will survive that long!

has he got silent reflux????

my DS had silent reflux and gained weight as he was comfort feeding like a trouper

yes - he will be over tired, but if he has an underlying medical issue then he won't sleep well until it is sorted

sod bad habits and if he sleeps on you/in your arms let him - nothing is undoable!

i think it is poor when GPs say they will grow out of it - why should he and you be upset in the interim?

lots of people swear by cranial oesteopaths for very unsettled babies

OMG, Roslily, I kept hearing the same from our GP and HVs. My DS has reflux AND lactose intolerance but he has always gained weight...
Ring the pead clinic and see if they could speed things up if you say that you can be availble at short notice if they have a cancellation. (someone on MN advised this to me and this is what we did. I think DS screaming his little head off in the background when I was on the phone to the appointments clerk also helped...;))
They can do stool test to check for lactose intolerance. You could also try him on lactose or dairy free milk if you don't want to wait till your paed app and see if it helps. (I seem to remember that LF formula didn't make a difference in your case but maybe he was screaming because of reflux?)
What reflux meds is he on? Have they prescribed anything apart from gasviscon?
Omeprazole is the only thing that helps DS but his reflux is still so severe that sometimes there's blood in his sick apparently it tends to peak at 4 months.
I really feel for you and hope you get to the bottom of things - like I said before, we were in exactly the same place only a few weeks ago and I cried everyday, I was so frustrated, tired and heart broken.
Like Rubyslippers said - he will not sleep until whatever's bothering him is sorted.

Where in the country are you, Roslily?

Roslily when DS was little he was much like this (just colic/general gut probs in his case, I think, but it went on FOREVER). Couple of points from my months of stressing:

1. Lower your standards. Your house will not be clean and tidy. Explain this to your DH. Shout at him if necessary, but stop feeling guilty about having a less than perfect house for a couple of months. Set a time limit if you want (i.e., "DH, the house will be a state till DS is at least 6 months. Get over it."), but try to come to terms with lowering your standards for a while. I didn't, and I regret it enormously. DP didn't pressure me to do stuff, but I felt this real need to be a good housewife (having always worked full time), and stressed myself out hugely
2. Do whatever it takes to get your DS to sleep, at least for a few days. Don't panic about bad habits. I forced my DS to nap in his cot for months, and every single nap time during those months was miserable. Eventually I gave up, started jiggling him in his pram for every nap (which was where he napped best - for your DS it's obviously on you), and life immediately got easier. I'm still trapped on the sofa for every nap time six months on, as he needs jiggling for pretty much the whole nap, but he is much more prepared to entertain himself when he's awake, so I do housework around him then. I don't doubt that if I was still persevering with the cot, every nap time would still be crap. I cannot emphasise this enough.
3. Once you've got him napping well, whatever it takes, consider what you want long term - do you want him napping easily with you trapped on the sofa, or do you want to risk mucking up the napping and persevere with him napping in the cot? Not that one solution is better than the other, but it's much easier to make that choice once you're not contending with a hysterical over tired baby. Give yourself a few days of decent naps before making any decisions - you're not going to ruin his sleep habits for life with a few days of napping on you.
4. Buy lots of food that can be thrown together and eaten quickly - sandwiches, ready meals, whatever. you can either make and eat them during awake times, or line them up for when DS naps and eat with one hand.
5. Get books, snacks (biscuits and things), laptop, TV remote, everything within reach of wherever you think he might nap on you. Set up napping stations anywhere in your house that he might sleep - that way, if he does drop off on you, you're prepared to sit still for however long it takes without dying of boredom.
6. Persevere with getting an appointment re: the lactose intolerance. Phone and ask about cancellations, reiterate to your GP how stressed you are, generally nag. If he 'grows out of it' meantime, you've lost nothing, but if he doesn't you might save yourself a couple of weeks of hassle.

First and foremost, give yourself a break! And thump your DH if he pressures you to be a good housewife. your sole job at the moment is keeping your DS healthy and happy. Everything else will survive, whether or not you and your DH believe it at the moment

Sorry, just realised I sound really militant in that last post! Just don't want you to make the mistakes I did that stressed me out enormously for no real gain on anyone's part.

Ooh, and a couple of other sleep ideas:

1. Bouncy chair. Worked wonders for us for night time settling (although not day time. Who knows why)
2. Pram jiggling inside - my DS stopped sleeping in the pram out and about a while ago because everything was too interesting, but he happily nods off in the pram inside.
3. Rocking chair - my friend (also an MNer) recently had to make a 5pm dash to Ikea when he trusty rocker broke!
4. cot jiggling - our cot is on wheels, and DS has often been rocked to sleep in his cot
5. Car sear jiggling - as above. I think my DS actually gets car sick, and never falls asleep in the car, but rocking the car seat so he went to sleep before going out in the car, then transferring it to the car, sometimes worked.

agree with advice above, but try to prioritise looking after yourself for a while - you will feel so much better.

Have a shower at the same time each morning, with your ds in a bouncy chair on the bathroom floor. Eat 3 good meals a day, and eat them at the usual time - don't delay because he needs entertaining / rocking / whatever.

He's only 14 weeks - he won't always be like this, so don't worry about setting bad habits etc.

I was so stressed out and unhappy with dd1 at that age but she turned out pretty well and she became a fantastic sleeper (and napper) well before 6 months. With dd2 (now 4.5 months) things are in some ways more difficult (up every 2 hours all night still) but I'm totally relaxed this time round because I've learned it really doesn't matter and it will pass - just keep telling yourself that!

fwiw, i decided in the end that dd1 was often crying through sheer exhaustion, and rocking / patting / cuddling etc was just making her worse. Once I'd come to this conclusion i did let her cry more and it worked for us. however i know this is quite an unpopular view on mumsnet, just thought i'd mention it... (excuse typing, holding dd2)

Thanks. Well today he has a stomach bug, so poor little man is not happy.

I am following my instincts and giving him lots of cuddles, letting him sleep on me and with me.

Hi Roslily,
You sound a bit better, just go with the flow. You and him will feel so much better and it will be easier to think clearly once you have had some sleep! I do second the bouncy chair by the way if you dont have one, my dd spent most of her time in one as a newborn!!
Keep well