Help! When feeding to sleep won't work

[dorisbonkers]

Briefly, my 13-month old daughter has been breastfed to sleep, or walked around for ages in an Ergo for every nap and every bedtime. She's never slept through but we co-sleep and although I've had some awful patches, we get by, and I've tried to make my peace with it.

But what used to take a half hour to an hour to get her off at night has been taking 2-3 hours. I lie in the pitch black and silence with her wriggling on and off and nearly pulling my nipples off as she finally winds down -- taking hours. I've got her up, then repeated.

I'd made my peace with broken sleep, I'd made my peace with breastfeeding to sleep. But I can't cope with much more of this.

She has just walked -- I understand rough patches are connected with development. And she has a cold. So yes, I understand this may be a blip in the great scheme. But I've not had ANY sleep last night (bobbing roughly on and off all night half asleep) and the previous 3 nights I've had so little I'm beginning to lose the plot.

This is WAY more intense than anything the newborn phase had to throw at me.

Any ideas? Anyone relate to this? I realise it will pass but I need something to get me through the next few days.

Thanks

Oh, to add, although we have a loose structure to the day (2 naps, roughly 1 each) we do have a relatively strict dinner/bath/stories sequence and have done from about 6 months.

Waht happens when you leave the room with her awake?

Full on crying. She climbs out of bed to find me (usually in the other room with a drink in my hand sobbing....) and won't stop until I pick her up. Real proper crying, not dissatisfied chuntering.

Have seriously considered Ferberising many times. But can't. Don't think it would be a success with my child and our set up.

Don't Ferberise, you will regret it horribly, completely incompatible with all that has gone before for you both.

Are you open to moving her out of your bed?

Do you want to go on co-sleeping? We decided to be strict on the cot around this age and after three rocky bedtimes (not very) she loved it. She slept better from the first night. It seems she just really wanted her own space.

When we put her in her room a bit later on, she loved it even more. She is now, and I quote my Dad, a great little sleeper. Bedtime takes minutes and she sleeps really well. And believe me, I know the pain you are going through. She was a hellish sleeper before.

Yes, I agree with you on Ferber, just said to stress that I've considered everything as it has got so bad.

Yes, open to moving her out of bed and was thinking of night weaning soonish as I plan to go back to work for three days a week and DH going to look after her and work part time also.

There are much gentler ways than Ferber. You don't have to do that.

What can I do then?

Oh, No Cry Sleep Solution ideas haven't touched the sides (tried various permutations since 6 months)

I know exactly where you are coming from except I had less patience and was ready to crack at 5m. I had to leave her to settle herself one night at 10pm ish or I was going to have a breakdown. She was asleep in minutes. I forget exactly how long but I did a form of controlled crying where you pop in and out reassuring after a minute or two then make the gaps longer.

I had been reading up before hand and had delayed doing it as I felt it was a bit mean but tbh it was the best thing I could have done.

I later found out my RL friends had done the same at some point but we all hated to admit to leaving our PFBs to cry even for a second!

I am not sure if it would work at 13m but can you pop some music on and leave her with a little light, tell her you will be back soon and just nip in and out?

We went in every two or three minutes and patted her.

We did try Pick-up-put-down a la Baby Whisperer but it drove her crazy.

She did cry but much less (much less than half as long) as she had been crying with the feeding/rocking/co-sleeping, so it didn't feel wrong (and I was totally against it for months) She seemed really relieved to know she was allowed to do it without us.

You sound exactly like me with DD1 at 14mths. IMHO I think you can go one of two directions. Either throw yourself into co-sleeping, LLL meetings and SlingMeet groups, surrounding yourself with the support of like minded mums and reduce your expectations of yourself during the day... or choose to perhaps sacrifice some of the ideals of AP and find a middle way works for you both. I see these as equally valid options BTW. Like the Sears say, 'If you resent it change it'. (Easier said than done, I know).

Again IMHO, night weaning and co sleeping do not go together. Gradual withdrawl (Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution?) from co-sleeping will lead to nightweaning, or at least make it possible if it still requires work.

Returning them to a cot is much easier than to a big bed, IME they bore quickly.

We did do the NCSS first and it did help for a while.

Sorry, didn't see that you have try NCSS. Gradual withdrawal takes a while....we stopped at holding hands through the the cot bars until DD1 was asleep.

A little bit.

Thing is, she's never been in a cot. She used to sleep in an Amby when we lived abroad but when we moved back we used that and co-sleeping until she got too big for it. I've tried putting her in a cot but she went mental. As space in our bedroom is at a premium, I dismantled it.

I just don't know what to do. I can survive on 4 hours sleep, but not on 2-3 hours.\

From month 8 to month 12 her sleeping, and how long she'd take to fall asleep just seems to have got steadily worse.

She fights sleep like its the devil. I've tried days where I've brought naps forward, moved them later, left everything to chance, been strict with timing.

I've spent half my extended mat leave sitting on a sofa with her on a boppy cushion either trying to get her to sleep or her being asleep. I dread every evening because I know I have to go into the room and lie there in silence (can't even have the light on to read) for a few hours.

I just don;t know how to go about getting her out of our bed or to self settle. Or whether that is achievable with so ingrained a habit and that I just need to ride it out?

Thanks Beehive, LaTrucha. I think you understand where I'm coming from.

I've reduced my expectations so much anyway that with the sleep and length of settling time getting ridiculous, I've run out of expectations, if you get me.

I like co-sleeping but deep down this is really bothering me. So I'm prepared to move her out of our bed.

So if I erect the cot in our bedroom, how do I start off? Get her ready for bed, in jimjams and stories and then pop her in and sit next to her and soothe her? Or feed her til almost asleep and then pop her in?

Sorry, can you remind m of gradual withdrawal. Have mislaid NCSS

Would DH do bedtime for one week, however long it took each night?

Hi Doris. We had sort of a similar experience, though DS was already in a cot in his own room. Just in that feeding to sleep in the middle of the night stopped working (earlier...so around 8 months). It got to the point where he was awake every hour or more, awake for hours at a time. I was jamming my nip in his mouth desperate for him to sleep and he started biting because he didn't want it! Looking back, I think he was frustrated that he didn't know how to go back to sleep without boob.

We basically nightweaned - I had planned to stick with one night feed, but once we got him sleeping through the earlier night wake ups he just slept through the whole way.

There was some crying; I'd be lying if I said there wasn't. But we started out by DH going in and cuddling, rocking whatever to get him back to sleep. Then DH shhhhing him in the cot instead of picking up. The first night was not great, but it got better by night two. He has slept through more than half the nights since then (some weeks better than others dep on teething, etc.) but when he does wake a quick cuddle gets him back off.

We had been doing No Cry Sleep stuff for months and months before doing this. I think it got us most of the way there, but needed more drastic measures to help him be okay with falling asleep without feeding at night.

I would actually recommend reading the Ferber book, only the chapters on sleep associations and infant sleep patterns. You can ignore the chapters on his ideas about what to do about it. I found it really helpful to understand that my DS had learned to associate sleep with boob and that it was possible to teach him other associations. You can choose how you go about that.

He can only do four nights in a row as he works night shifts Sun-Tues. But yes, he's keen and hands on (he does one nap a day in the Ergo and knows how she fights sleep.

I need talking through this. I erect the cot again, do bedtime routine and then pop her in and get DH to stay by her side comforting with hands and voice til she sleeps? Repeat process at any night waking? Then each day move slightly further away?

Sorry, you've been a massive help already.

DH holding her and she's crying as we speak. Building up courage to go back in room and face another bout with the sleepless alligator girl.

I would erect the cot in a different (her?) room, and play at putting her toys in it in the day. Try and introduce something extra to bedtime as you do it at the moment for a few days (we used a light show). Then on the night you choose do routine as normal and put her in the cot after her feed and sit by the cot stroking head or whatever. If she goes crazy, comfort and replace but be as boring as possible. I hate giving advice, but that is what I would try.

We also replaced the bedtime feed with a bottle of cow's milk but that's a whole other can o' worms, i appreciate that

And when she wakes in the night, would you feed there in that room and repeat as above?

Oh, open to giving cow's milk, but she won't take a bottle (I've tried!) So have just kept on with breastfeeding.

TBH I fed in her room but in a single bed together and promptly fell back to sleep together, but night feeds weren't a problem for us as much as bedtime and with moving her out of the bed she only woke the once. Stopped waking at all about 16 months.

Yes, for me the night wakings aren't so much the problem -- that's why we've continued to co-sleep and go with the rough and smooth.

It's the getting her to sleep that really gets me down. And there's rough, and totally insanely rough, which this is now.

I never seem to be able to move her so don't know how I could feed her and then move her back into the cot.

I say leave DH to it for the 4 days he can, you need a break. As long as he won't gib out and bring her downstairs after 2 hours to watch the footie!