Help me with what I want and what I believe being so conflicting!!! (4 week sleeping)

[Flamesnores]

In my heart I feel that DD2 should be with me. She has spent 9 months in a tight space next to a heartbeat, dumping her in a crib must be so alien for her.

But in my body and mind I desperately want her to spend at least a few hours a night in her crib so I can sleep without my arm curled round her, her latched on, or me with that one eye open type sleep if DH is holding her.

I don't know if it is where she is my last born, or just my mother instincts have changed throughout the last 6 years, but with the first 2 I could let them cry for a bit, I could do the pick up put down thing, but with DD2 I can't seem to bear any crying. Where DS would occasionally just have to wait for me to finish doing something for DD1 etc, with DD2 99% of things are done one handed or with her in a sling as the crying when I put her down distresses me too much.

Do I go with my gut and keep her with me, or try and encourage her to be without me more?

She is only 4 weeks old so tiny, but last night I reached that delightful stage of sobbing on my child just desperately wanting to sleep alone.

Oh Flames - sending big hugs ((( )))

Your DD is only 4 weeks old, you are still recovering from the birth, you are massively sleep-deprived, your hormones are all over the place. You need to give yourself a break.

Will she sleep at all in her crib? What happens if she falls asleep on you and then you put her down asleep? With DS in the first few months he slept half on me and half in his moses basket on the stand next to me - I always had to put him down asleep in the early days (feed to sleep, swaddle, warm the moses basket with hot water bottle, did everything VERY slowly) as there was NO WAY he would go down awake. 4 weeks is too early to think about sleep training IMHO, you just have to do whatever gets you through.

There is NOTHING wrong with needing a bit of space for yourself - if you can put her down asleep in her crib and get yourself a couple of hours baby-free zzzzzzzzzzz there is NOTHING unmaternal about that. You just have to do what you can to survive the first few weeks.

Or if you can't bear for her to be on her own, can DH take her into a different room and cuddle her between feeds so that you can have some baby-free sleep?

Thank you. I think it helps when someone puts things in perspective.

She will sleep not being held (once having fallen asleep on you) during the day occasionally, but tends to do that think of looking completely out cold, then waking the second you stop touching her. I have only tried swaddling a couple of times, I think I will try that again.

The sooner she can shove her thumb in her mouth, the more I think things will improve - she is a natural thumb sucker, and looks so relieved when either she gets it in or you help her, but then gets all worked up when it comes out again and she can't co-ordinate to get it in.

DH is helping as much as he can - he is tired too as DS is playing up at night (he has always been a bit of a problem, but is having insecurity things I think). Last night with the tears he didn't say a word, just very gently took her off me and laid me down

Awww, your DH sounds lovely

Swaddling worked really well for us for the first 8 weeks or so... definitely worth another go I'd say. DH tried it after about 2 weeks of DS not going down in his moses basket and it worked like a dream. Still had to lay him down very gently, and helped if we warmed the moses basket first, but if we managed to put him down swaddled and asleep he would usually stay there for an hour or so which was a major relief.

After a while he was able to get his arms free so we stopped swaddling and a few weeks later he started finding his thumb a bit more reliably.

Hang in there - you know from your own experience that it will get easier. Give yourself a break and do whatever you need to do to get through these first few months.

x x

Flames - would you consider a dummy? I know its not for some, but you mentioned she was a sucky baby and perhaps it would be very soothing for her?

In any event, in response to your question about what to do - I would listen to your gut, don't let her cry if it doesn't feel right, but perhaps you can find a way to encourage her to sleep a little on her own. Are you able to put her to sleep in her cot, and leave your hand gently on her, and then sit next to the cot for a little and slowly remove your hand so that she doesn't wake. It may be worth a try.

What about putting her crib right next to your bed, so that you can shh her, or pat her if she wakes but you have the bed to yourself.

One other question I have is about your comment of "one eye sleep when DH is holding her". Perhaps you could trust him a little more so you could get more of a break?

Totally agree with bicnod that 4 weeks is too early for sleep training, you need to do whatever works for you both at this stage.

Swaddle her?

I tried swaddling her at lunchtime, and yes, she was being held by my sister, but she slept longer and more soundly than I think she ever has.

I'm reluctant to go for a dummy as we had oodles of issues losing them with DD1, and I feel like it just needs another week or so of patience and she'll have sussed the co-ordination for her thumb.

That's fantastic Flames... fingers crossed the swaddling works when you put her down as well. I would really recommend warming the crib/moses basket before you put her down - just so the transfer isn't so traumatic...

Let us know how you get on

We found it easier to transfer our DD (almost 4 weeks) into the moses basket if she was asleep on one of us on her back rather than snuggled up on her front. If she was on her front, she startled either as we picked her up or put her down which woke her up but if she was on her back, she was already in the right position. It could be fluke but it might be worth a try. The hot water bottle trick really worked for us too.