4 week old cries after being put in moses basket for daytime naps - help

[littleduck]

I am at the end of my tether - please help.

My 4 week old has started crying after being put in her moses to sleep after a feed. She never used to do this. She is quiet for a few minutes after I put her down and then starts crying. It is more a case of she cries, stops for a few seconds and then starts again rather than a constant cry. Definitely a cry rather than just 'chatting'.

I have just finished feeding her so she can't be hungry. She has been winded, isn't dirty or wet, and isn't too hot or cold.

I have left her to cry for a couple of minutes to see if she settles (she has actually just stopped crying as I have been typing) - she hasn't slept much today and we have also been out to meet some girls from my antenatal group so she was awake for the whole 2 hours when she usually naps at lunchtime - so I think she may be be over tired.

However I am at my wits end because I don't know what her cries mean. I tried cuddling her to settle her whilst out with the girls and she just cried, I felt like a terrible mother as the other girls were cuddling their babies who seemed quite happy with them. I tried cuddling her after her feed just now and she just cried some more.

I am already having difficulty bonding with her (she wasn't a planned pregnancy although DP and I had been thinking of children a couple of years down the line), but now feel even worse having seen how marvellous the other girls from the antenatal are with their babies. I feel like such a failure for not understanding my daughter better. I wonder if she knows how far removed I feel from her and is responding similarly by not wanting me to cuddle her. I care for her the best I know how and try to talk to her and sing to her to bond with her and make her happy. I feel like she knows I find motherhood difficult and is rejecting me.

I want her to be a happy baby and wonder if I am damaging her by leaving her to cry for a few moments when all other alternatives seem to have failed.

Please help.

My ds2 was like this. He just wanted his mummy all the time and sometimes cried even when I was holding him no matter what I did.
It was a shock to me as ds1 was the most contented baby I've ever known and I thought that was down to my superior parenting!
I had a section for ds2 and ds1 was only 16 months old, I found it incredibly hard coping with both of them when dp went back to work a week after I got out of hosp and so I had to sometimes leave baby to cry - or ds1 would be screaming for something. It was that very hot summer 06 and I had the windows opened, one of the neighbours 'reported' to dp that I left the baby to cry a lot!!
Dont compare yourself to other mums, some babies settle, some cry, some want their mums and some sleep. They are all different and you will get to know all her ways.
By the way looking back it took me months to properly bond with both of mine, more of a gradual sneaking up on me than a big instant happiness like some mums have.

On the practical side though, maybe if you just carry on holding her after a feed, instead of trying to put her down. She might not want to sleep, she might just want to be in your company or hear your voice.

littleduck, first of all, I think your baby at this age can feel like quite hard work - the happiness and excitement of the first few days has gone, dp/dh has gone back to work, but it's still early days when there's just loads to fret about. I have sons of 2 years and 16 weeks. DS2 didn't/doesn't like being put down much and I tend to rely on (breast)feeding to sleep. At this age DS1 was bottle fed but I think I used to hold him a lot.

How are you feeding?

Can you take her for a walk in a buggy or a sling and see if that helps to get her to go to sleep? It's still where ds1 sleeps best during the day now.

Could you try baby groups or activities? Yes, she's young but it may help you to get out and feed/play with her somewhere different, or she might fall asleep on the way.

I'm sure you're a lovely mum, and I'm equally sure that a lot of people here have felt the way you do at some point.

Hi Flibbertyjibbet

Thanks for your thoughts - however I don't think she wants me at all - she doesn't seem to take any notice if I talk or sing to her and doesn't really respond to me. She likes to look round the room at things though. I would hold her or talk/sing if I thought that was what she wanted but it doesn't seem to help.

She definitely isn't rejecting you, you're doing a great job and you aren't a failure at all. You've only been a mum for 4 weeks you can't know it all straight away, it's a steep learning curve and to be honest, sometimes they just cry, and you won't know why! Don't beat yourself up, it's bloody hard work being a mind reader for a tiny person who often doesn't know what they want.

Have you tried swaddling her up? some babies feel more secure that way. My ds was a very hot, sweaty sort of child who didn't like being held close to my chest for very long (still doesn't) so maybe it's that.

And no you won't damage her by leaving her to cry for a few moments. Some babies need to have a little cry before they nod off, it's as if it releases tension. You're doing well, don't worry!

i've answered your other thread

So have I... have you talked to your hv about how you feel btw?

At 4 weeks old she isn't capable of rejecting you or having thoughts like "I don't like this woman" - they only really have needs at that ages - I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm uncomfortable etc.

Even if you were a shockingly bad mother (which you aren't) she cannot think like that yet, it's not something you're doing. I'd be very surprised if she paid any attention to your voice or singing at 4 weeks old. Give it another few weeks and she'll love it.

You poor thing. Don't feel rejected, she isn't rejecting you. And don't feel you are no good at motherhood. It's something we learn (and don't stop learning as they get older). We're all new to it and things change constantly. Also the rush of love doesn't always come instantly, so if you haven't felt it, don't worry or feel bad. (Took a fair few months to come with my DC2 if I'm honest).

Swaddling is a good idea. I'd also suggest getting a sling. For the first 6 weeks at least I'd recommend just following her lead. I know it is impossible, and you have to put them down sometimes just to get a shower. But don't worry too much in these early days and don't try too hard. It all gets easier, and it generally comes good.

Good luck with your little one. Relax and be kind to yourself.

Hi there littleduck. Like the others say, she isn't capable of not liking you at this age. You are doing absolutely brilliantly and should be proud of yourself for thinking of her and asking for help when you think you need it. You are not a failure and you can't possibly know everything about caring for your little one after just 4 weeks.

This is just a thought, as I'm not the best for advice, but maybe she doesn't "like" her moses basket. Have you tried putting her down somewhere else for a nap to see if she still cries?

Soph73 reminded me, neither of mine liked being in a moses basket (lets face it those thin plasticy mattresses don't look too comfy do they!).
I used to fold up a fleecy blanket and nestle baby in that in the corner of the sofa to sleep. It was much softer around and under the baby than a moses basket. Worked with ds1.

Hi littleduck. Just to say DD is now 8 weeks and it is only in the last week that I have started enjoying being with her and she responds to me rather than acting like either a. I could be anyone or b. there is noone there! I'm not saying all is okay (at 5am when she was crying for no reason this morning I almost was too and she's still not the best sleeper!) but now that she has started to goo, gaah and react its a lot easier. I found weeks 3 - 6 very very very hard, I didnt believe anyone who told me it would pass, but one morning things just became easier. Have you told your DP how you're feeling> Could he give some help?

Hi littleduck,

Not much advice but hopefully some reassurance. My ds was like that. Suddenly went off his Moses basket, would cry when I was holding him even though I knew he was not hungry etc. I would be the one at the antenatal group desperately jogging him up and down whilst the other babies sat there contentedly. Just like aoifesmama's DD, it was only a month or two down the line that he seemed to start enjoying cuddles.

First things first, it is nothing you are doing wrong. You are just as marvellous as the girls from your antenatal group, it's just all babies are different and react in a different way to the world, seemingly regardless of what their parents do.

In the end I gave up with the Moses basket during the day. I used to put DS in the pram and take him for a walk. He would eventually drift off to sleep (this is where he has his naps now; might not be ideal but it suits us). The downside is you are walking instead of resting but it felt much better to be actively doing something. Hanging a thin scarf over the hood blocks out all the stimulation if you think she is over tired and might become a sleep cue later on.

I don't have a sling but if I have another baby, that is something I will definitely try.

As the others said, three to four weeks is a hard time. It will get better.

HTH

Oh, and I was very worried that DS was a sad baby and now at 6 months, he is the happiest, smiliest little boy. Doesn't sleep at night too well but that's another story!

I felt just like you when DD was that age. DH was back at work, the vistors had stopped coming and DD cried and cried and cried. It's hard isn't it? It WILL pass though. By 8 weeks she'll be smiling and interacting much more and before you know it she'll be sitting up and laughing, it passes so quickly.

In the meantime, have you tried swaddling? I really think it saved my life. I used this from Mothercare. It's £15 but worth every penny. I used it for every nap and at night. DD would drop off much quicker in it and stay down longer. Getting better sleep meant she wasn't as over tired and cranky in the day.

Hope this helps littleduck.

DD was the same at that age, I found the Baby Bjorn carrier fantastic. She didn't like sleeping at all really but in that carrier she'd be asleep sooo quickly. I must admit that until about 13/14 weeks she did cry a lot for no apparent reason. She's not rejecting you, definitely not but they are such hard work when you feel completely helpless and when you do something they don't even seem to notice! Swaddling helped when I couldn't carry her, just wrapping her tightly in a blanket made a huge difference. Remember that they've just popped out into a huge world and I reckon it's all a bit overwhelming for them. If you can carry her close to you she'll be able to hear your heartbeat which seems to calm them.
And don't feel like an awful mother it often feels like everyone's looking to you to stop your baby crying, but sometimes they do just cry - it's normal!
Sorry for the ramble, hope she settles for you!!

I felt exactly the same as you with DS1. It always seemed that everyone in my antenatal group had better behaved and better sleeping babies. I felt like an utter failure.

Have you spoken to your health visitor about your concerns? Although mine was about as much use as a chocolate teapot I'm told they're not all like that and they can give very good advice.

Please know that you're not alone and so many of us been through the exact same thing with a crying baby and not feeling like you've bonded. The guilt is horrendous and it's a total cliche but it does pass.

I swore I'd never have another one but here I am typing this listening to my five week old DS2 screaming (as he has done on and off since 2pm this afternoon) while DH is trying to soothe him. It's so different though, this time I know that babies just cry, it's what they do. It doesn't mean you're any less of a parent.

You will get through this and I promise you will love your baby in time. Not everyone bonds immediately, it's perfectly normal. I just wish someone had told me that first time round!